feeling angst over being aromantic - normal?

[samalamb]

hey so ive known ive been ace/aro for about 3 yrs now, and at first - i was elated.  bc man oh man did SO MANY THINGS MAKE SENSE, but then, as of recent, as i watch my family get into relationships and as i get older it just... i dont know - it gets harder to accept who and what i am.  i KNOW im ace/aro, since ive never felt anything for anyone, and my whole family just laughed and nodded along saying "yeah that makes sense considering you".

but.

 

i dont know, does anyone else ever get... angsty?  over being aro?  being aro especially, bc little to no one believes you, people always pity you, and everyones always trying to change you or some bull.  lately ive just been so - idk, weirdly hurt over being unable to feel romantic feelings for people.  ive tried, really hard - and i almost convinced myself, but in the end, theres just... nothing.  a void, and i get angry for in explainable reasons that still confound me.  i guess im just chasing that 'human dream' or something, you know - meet your soulmate, fall in love, have kids, yadda yadda.  even tho ive always been happiest chilling with my family and a friend (not even that, im always awkward around others, ive always just been comfortable with my family)

 

i dont know - do any other aromantics feel the same?  or am i just being weird?

 

[Guest]

Being either aromantic or romantic can suck, depending on your perspectives. Practically everyone in a romantic relationship has all sorts of issues that someone wouldn't have if they were alone, but being alone can have its downsides as well. Life can be difficult no matter what cards you were dealt, so we just have to try to accept whatever we have.

 

I haven't told people apart from people who I knew would be understanding that I am asexual or aromantic, because I know how most people would react. It's better to just keep it to yourself if you can't tolerate ignorant responses, I think.

[fuzzipueo]

Welcome to AVEN, samalamb. 

 

I don't think you're weird at all. I think everyone goes through a similar process of coming to terms or acceptance over being different from others, and this is very normal. The trick is finding a new balance in your life.

 

Have you thought of maybe being in a QPR (queer platonic relationship) or QPP (queer platonic partnership)? Some folks find these to be right up their ally.

 

As for the whole soul mate thing: it doesn't exist in reality. Romance novels have a lot to answer for on that piece of nonsense.

[Galactic Turtle]

I might still be too young to experience the negative side of remaining single (the usual result of being aro ace, I'd expect) but all in all I kind of just consider it as a personality trait or preference because romantic/sexual attraction isn't the only thing I was told all while growing up that I'd experience when I was an adult. The same goes for alcohol, tobacco, weed, coffee, wine, etc. I don't understand why people want these things or like these things. I don't share experiences related to partaking in these things. But despite all of that I also know that the relationships I do have with friends and family are fulfilling. My life doesn't feel any "less" because I don't drink coffee and don't pine after people. Of course a lot of times I feel like a freak for a variety of reasons but I've taken to focusing on myself and what I imagine my path to be despite what everyone else constantly tells me.

 

It can be hard but the most important thing is to keep your head up!

[TheAP]

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

[the duchess starla]

i dont know if im aro so its perfectly normal. i have never felt love, im almost 20 now...... but i want a romantic relationship, but so far in my life i have never felt romance but have pretended to others and myself that i am. i feel angst over not loving because love seems like such a lovely thing and i would like to experience it, and no one beleives this is who i am because i have pretended to feel it to others and myself so often.

[Weishaupt]

1 hour ago, samalamb said:

i guess im just chasing that 'human dream' or something, you know - meet your soulmate, fall in love, have kids, yadda yadda.

Like Galactic Turtle, I'm still young and naive about what life will look like for me once I'm old enough that potential friends and HR see me not being interested in love as a red flag. I know exactly what you mean by "chasing the 'human dream,'" though. Society tells us the love cliche is the peak of happiness, and sometimes it I feel that never expeirencing it is somehow a defect of my humanity. Sometimes listening to a new love song on the radio will send me into an exstistential crisis, because I realize the mental model I have of "love," which is so integral to how the world works, is not what "love" really is. At that moment, I know nothing.

[samalamb]

55 minutes ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said:

I haven't told people apart from people who I knew would be understanding that I am asexual or aromantic, because I know how most people would react. It's better to just keep it to yourself if you can't tolerate ignorant responses, I think.

i get where youre coming from - but the only times ive ever told people outside my fam is when theyre flirting/chasing me pretty hard so i attempt to nip the bud before it blooms;;  as for handling the cards youre dealt, you are very correct my friend =A=

48 minutes ago, fuzzipueo said:

Have you thought of maybe being in a QPR (queer platonic relationship) or QPP (queer platonic partnership)? Some folks find these to be right up their ally.

 

As for the whole soul mate thing: it doesn't exist in reality. Romance novels have a lot to answer for on that piece of nonsense.

thanks for the welcome! 

as for queerplatonic friendships im uncertain... the idea in theory sounds bloody awesome (someone to maybe raise kids with) but ive never been able to form bonds with people outside my family, i think ive been able to keep one friend now for a few years and even then im really bad at keeping at it;;

but yea romance novels really not to tone it down a notch - blimey things >M>

 

43 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

It can be hard but the most important thing is to keep your head up!

i never thought on it like that!  seeing as i too arent fond of such things i was always told id be crazy about when i hit adult hood, your words are pretty uplifting

 

34 minutes ago, the duchess starla said:

i dont know if im aro so its perfectly normal. i have never felt love, im almost 20 now...... but i want a romantic relationship, but so far in my life i have never felt romance but have pretended to others and myself that i am. i feel angst over not loving because love seems like such a lovely thing and i would like to experience it, and no one beleives this is who i am because i have pretended to feel it to others and myself so often.

i understand whole heartedly where youre coming from - i think this reasoning alone has been the biggest cause of my angst.  cause it seems so nice - the idea of it, when the reality is my brain is just... not up to code, you could say.  im glad to know someone who feels the same way, but i am sorry for the pain its caused you!  it sucks trying to convince youre something youre not, but i guess in the end we can take some joy in there being others in the same boat

 

15 minutes ago, Weishaupt said:

Like Galactic Turtle, I'm still young and naive about what life will look like for me once I'm old enough that potential friends and HR see me not being interested in love as a red flag. I know exactly what you mean by "chasing the 'human dream,'" though. Society tells us the love cliche is the peak of happiness, and sometimes it I feel that never expeirencing it is somehow a defect of my humanity. Sometimes listening to a new love song on the radio will send me into an exstistential crisis, because I realize the mental model I have of "love," which is so integral to how the world works, is not what "love" really is. At that moment, I know nothing.

i understand where youre coming from!  like one of the lines i hate most is from this famous love song "just one year of love is better than a lifetime alone" or "its better to have loved, than never love at all" and it leaves me just kinda staring blankly ahead, bc it makes /sense/ i guess, for other people, but when it comes to being aro it throws you for a loop bc youre left going if the life youll lead will be considered worthy to others, or will you always be stuck with people trying to pair you off or pity you bc youre so 'alone'??

 

 

thanks to those whove replied!  its nice to know people are willing to listen and throw their two bits in

[Guest]

@samalamb I actually wouldn't tell people you're rejecting that you are aromantic or asexual, because there are people who will try to make you feel bad because they're hurt. That's why you're getting those kinds of comments. Just tell them you're not interested, or that you are trying to stay focused on other things right now, or that you don't have sex outside of a relationship. Anyone just looking for sex will be discouraged by that last one.

 

I don't understand why, but for some reason people would prefer to think that someone is rejecting them because that person is too picky rather than that they just aren't attracted to anyone. I don't see how thinking that I'm snubbing them because I don't think they're good enough is going to cause them less hurt.

[Florenna]

12 hours ago, fuzzipueo said:

As for the whole soul mate thing: it doesn't exist in reality. Romance novels have a lot to answer for on that piece of nonsense.

Well, the thing is most people do think it exists in reality, and many even claim they have found one... 

 

As for angst, yes, there's a kind of angst every time one goes anywhere out of one's front door, even the supermarket (or maybe especially the supermarket, as nearly everyone else is there in couples... Wherever you go, it's just a fact of life. It may not get to you when you're younger; I don't think I paid attention to that when younger, also partly because I never realized I may be partially aromantic and because I was periodically in relationships myself), but when you get to my age it seems to hit... Also as everyone of my age is or is supposed to be in couples, which isn't the case for younger folks. I'm just a bit tired of being about the only one who's alone in situations like that (especially as people seem to think that those in couples are somehow "better", and they are treated better by others). Anyone have any good advice as to how to deal with that? (Just "ignore it" doesn't quite cut it, I'm afraid, I have tried )

[fuzzipueo]

5 minutes ago, Florenna said:

12 hours ago, fuzzipueo said:

As for the whole soul mate thing: it doesn't exist in reality. Romance novels have a lot to answer for on that piece of nonsense.

Well, the thing is most people do think it exists in reality, and many even claim they have found one... 

While I do agree with you, and have seen it in action with a number of my older, married, friends, it is a trope which appears in romance novels (and films, TV, etc.) which gives people an unrealistic view of relationships and how they actually work. Even those who find their perfect mate still have to work to maintain a happy balance (this goes for friendship too or, in fact, any relationship), it's not all hearts and roses. That was more what I should have clarified in my original post - but typing on a Kindle can be a pain sometimes.