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B420

Sexual seeking advice

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B420

I'm in my mid twenties with a guy in his early thirties, we've been together almost 3 years with a couple of breaks. Our relationship is in a really good place as we've been finally starting to build a future together. Recently I confronted him about his porn use and the fact that we hadn't had sex in nearly 6 months. He of course denied the porn use although this wasn't the first time we've had issues with it so I set out to get my evidence again (wrong I know, but he's not a good liar and I wanted to sort this out) So the other morning we had a long heated discussion about it which was initially met with more denial until I explained I had solid proof. He told me he's uncomfortable with actual sex and only watches the porn for the sound (I don't know if I believe that since all the porn centers around the same specific act). Either way he's now identifying with asexuality. Which I can see on one hand because any fooling around involved him laying there not really being into it while I did all the work but on the other hand the porn use is super constant. Sometimes more than once in a day but mostly every second day. If he is asexual I want to work it out somehow. I don't think I could do an open relationship because I feel I would end up bonding more with the person I'm having sex with. So that's off the table, but we do really love each other. Im not sure if hes genuinely asexual or just selfish. Going forward either way however I've explained that if we don't have a sex life I'm not comfortable with him watching porn which might be selfish on my part, but if I'm not getting sexual attention from my partner I definitely don't want his weiner getting hard because of some stranger on video. He also has a long history of looking at half naked guys on Instagram which I'm also not comfortable with asexual or not. Basically I don't know where were at. Is his conclusion founded or is it a plug to not delve into another issue? Can asexual people also be chronic masturbators? Is it fair for me to ask he not use porn or check out naked guys on the internet? 

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The Unknown Warrior

Hmm, it could be another issue but that's hard to say. Some people get hooked on porn and lose all interest in sex, for example. I would suggest he talks to a therapist to talk through his feelings.

 

Is the sexual act you speak of blowjobs?

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B420

No we're gay. Blowjobs are the sexual act he's received, his porn obsession and real life objection is anal. He's the top in our relationship (if that's relevant). He used to always push for it and I felt guilty for under performing because sometimes we just couldn't get it in. He's currently seeing a therapist but hasn't brought up porn use and our sex life, I've asked that he use one of his sessions to discuss it as I feel it's one of our biggest hurdles but I know He feels super embarrassed discussing it. He has offered to try couples counseling with me in the new year which I am so in favor of, even for healthy relationships it's just seems like such a long time away. Sorry if any of that was too graphic.

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The Unknown Warrior

Ahh, I see. There goes my theory then lol. No need to say it now.

 

It's going to be important for him to talk about whatever it is. The truth needs to come out, however embarrassing. I had to do the same when I needed to discuss being gender fluid. It gets easier once the words come out though.

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Copal_0

He could be masturbating out of stress (maybe from the situation), but I guess it's all conjecture until you here it from him. 

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B420

He does claim that he only watches porn for stress but I take it as a personal offense that he has a literal obsession with it but objects to the same act with me. It makes me feel unattractive and like he's only sexually innterested in other people. I would perfer strongly he find a way to deal with his stress that doesn't cause jealousy on my part.

 

And the masturbation has been constant for 3 years so it's not because of this conversation.

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.Lia

Moved from Welcome Lounge to SPFA

 

Lia

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Mermaidy

I can definitely understand how "porn sounds" could help him masturbate (since orgasm/pleasure sounds help me since they make my brain think of orgasming I guess) so maybe anal sex has its own sounds? the situation seems way more complex though

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Miss Anne Thrope

I can't say whether or not he's really asexual, as that's really up to him. However, if he is asexual, there are some things you should know:

1. A lot of asexuals masturbate. Asexuality is defined by a lack of sexual attraction, not a lack of sexual arousal. I see no reason why an asexual couldn't become a "chronic masturbator". 

2. Some asexuals consume porn, but they usually have an experience with it that differs from sexual people. I know that you feel like he's more attracted to the people in the porn videos than you, but if he's asexual, then he's not attracted to the people in the videos at all. He's probably attracted to the act being presented. Which brings me to my next point:

3. Things that are attractive/arousing in fantasy are not always enjoyable in reality. Just because he enjoys watching something happen in a porn video doesn't mean he'd enjoy doing it himself (this is something that I can attest to myself). It likely has nothing to do with his feelings for you. I bet that if he got the opportunity to have sex with one of those pornstars, he wouldn't have much of a desire to do it with them either.

4. Aesthetic attraction is a thing that asexuals (or anyone really) can experience. It's when you appreciate someone's looks in a non-sexual way; you appreciate them in the same way you appreciate a nice work of art. If he is asexual, your guy may just be looking at those Instagram men because he finds them aesthetically attractive, not sexually attractive.

 

Anyways, long story short, I can't prove that he's asexual, but nothing that you've said invalidates his possible asexuality. If I were you, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and consider him to be asexual for as long as he considers himself one, as it can be extremely hurtful when a loved one doesn't acknowledge your identity. As for your want to compromise and the fairness of it all - there are two big things that you both need to keep in mind when making compromises together. First of all, the compromise needs to be even on both sides. If he is to completely give up something he does every day, you need to give up just as much. And be warned: what you may see as equivalent may seem like too much/too little to him. Secondly, your compromise has to be within reasonable limits. Are you willing to and capable of not having any sex? Is he willing to stop consuming porn, and is he capable of doing it? If your compromise is too drastic, it could lead to resentment, broken promises, and hurt feelings. It is better to start with a smaller compromise (such as a reduced amount of sex/porn) and work your way up to a point where you're both relatively happy. Of course, you both have your limits, and you shouldn't push them too far. 

 

Creating a compromise such as this is difficult. It will require patience and conversations that will continue for as long as you two are together. You may find that after a lot of work, a good compromise just cannot be reached, at which point I'd suggest moving on from this relationship. However, I have hope for you and your partner. Good luck with your pursuit of growth for you and your partner; may it bring you two closer together.

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B420

Considering I've given up any form of sexual contact or intimacy I think asking that he not get off either is a pretty even compromise. I understand that he may be asexual but even if that's the case what makes his needs take priority over mine? I'm not second class because i have a sex drive.

 

And as for the Instagram thing, sexual or not I've expressed I'm not cool with it and that should be respected period. Boundaries 101. You can't expect somebody to respect your view if you can't respect theirs.

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MrDane

Sometimes a compromise means “nobody gets what they want”. As in you dont get to be happy when i dont get to be happy.

 

i like it better when we talk about a mutual beneficial agreement. What would you like to do with him? How would he like to be intimate with you?

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B420

If you're insinuating porn be the main reason for a person's happiness I would highly advise that person to seek therapy.

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roland.o

Please keep in mind that for some people, masturbation and partnered sex are two totally different activities. One is a body maintenance thing, to keep the hormone levels balanced. The other is an interaction, a physical dialogue and interchange. And depending on how comfortable and fluid a person is with that kind of body talk, it might require so much effort and concentration that it becomes a complete turn-off. Like, the presence of another person totally kills the mood.

 

Even so, it is your right to state what you desire and expect from your partner in this relationship. And if the two of you can't find an agreement, a compromise, a consent, then it would be time to move on.

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B420

Alright. Well we don't know for sure whether he is asexual or dealing with psycho-sexual issues yet but hopefully a counselor will help us figure that out. What I pretty much gather from most advice here is if it's the former I should probably just cut my losses, end the 3 year relationship and find other people before were too old who can meet our needs. Thanks for the advice y'all.

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