Help, I am discovering I could be Demisexual

[Arrilisia]

Hi, new here and I need help in trying to understand my own sexuality or lack thereof. So please be patient with me. A little bit about me. I am 36, a mother on one, I've been in a long term relationship with my baby's daddy for 6 years and we have always had sexual incompatibility issues, whereas he needs sex frequently more than once a week and is a total grumpy A-hole if he doesn't get it. While I am happy with a romantic close intimacy, such as hugging, kissing, cuddling to feel whole and loved. Sex has been more  like a chore in the last decade for me. I don't really crave it  and I have to put a lot of effort to get into the mood for my partner and I mainly have sex for him because he wants it and needs it. When I was younger and in my 20s I was more sexual with more of a drive to have sex. But I never liked casual dating, hook-ups, one night stands. I only ever had 5 sex partners total, most of those were serious relationship/ exclusive dating and one marriage (now divorced). But I always had to develop close bond/ emotional romantic attachment in order to have a sexual connection with a male partner. So the reason I came to asexuality forum is because my partner and I had a big blow out fight, on the same sore subject as in the lack of sex, not enough sex. He straight up blurted out and asked me if I was Asexual because he was sleeping right next to me naked and I didn't even touch him the entire night/morning. I was shocked by that question, because I never had thought of that as a possibility myself. Just thought, oh I am mom and I have a busy schedule and a young child and that's why my sex drive is low. But when I think about it more and more, I've never been very sexual. I never said oh I love sex... like some women I know and are friends with. So sorry if it is rambling. I just need to know if my inclination that I might be on the grey scale of Asexually because I have it but I need the connection first and sex is really not my top priority for me to feel happy and loved in a relationship. Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

[TheAP]

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to The Grey Area.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

[Jax Nikara]

I am not an expert but from what I have read, it does sound like you are demi-sexual. The best way I have found to explain this is the door metaphor. The door metaphor explains the sexualities as a door. For example, heterosexuality-door swings one way while homosexuality swings the other; bisexuality-door swings both ways and so on. Demi-sexuality is described as a door with a key. This key has to be earned by getting to know the person first instead of just given or the door having no lock. I hope this helped! And good luck!

[Haze.]

You are most likely demisexual from your description. It sounds like it suits you.

You may also be greysexual. Like, both. Grey demisexual or demigreysexual or however you want to combine it. Greysexual is when you experience sexual attraction rarely.

You at least seem demisexual in my opinion.

Hope this helps at least some.

[Arrilisia]

Thank you for that. I just need someone to understand where I am coming from. This "weird"thing  has been a burden on me because I never had the explanation as to why I am this way sexually speaking. I always felt defective because my sex drive, wants and desires for intimacy have been below what is considered "normal" for allosexual people. 

[Haze.]

If you ever want to discuss your questions about sexuality more, or anything, feel free to PM me! I'm not an expert, but I have done a ton of research, and I find that sometimes it helps just to talk about it.

[Jax Nikara]

If you ever need someone to talk to, just PM me as well. Once again, not an expert but I am a good listener. And trust me, you are not defective. I was pretty sure I was demi-sexual for a long time before I discovered I was completely asexual. You are by no means alone in what you are feeling.

[Arrilisia]

Thank you. I will. I have been doing a lot of research already because I enjoy researching new things of interest. Lol I am just not sure how I will explain this to my partner. I am worried he won't take me seriously or think I am making this up because I don't want to have sexual intimacy with him.  I do want to because I love him but it's hard to get into that headspace especially when I don't feel emmotionally connected with him when he is stressing out from work...etc. 

[Haze.]

1 minute ago, Arrilisia said:

Thank you. I will. I have been doing a lot of research already because I enjoy researching new things of interest. Lol I am just not sure how I will explain this to my partner. I am worried he won't take me seriously or think I am making this up because I don't want to have sexual intimacy with him. I'm I do but it's hard to get into that heads especially when I don't feel emmotionally connected with him when he is stressing out from work...etc. 

I sympathise.

I can write him a personal message about it to back you up, if you want.

[Jax Nikara]

If it will help, I can as well.

[Arrilisia]

Oh thanks for the offer. ♥️🤗 Not sure how he would handle strangers from the Ace forum. Saying oh btw your girlfriend is Demisexual. 😅 I honestly think this is why he won't ask me to marry him.  I won't push it on him though because I understand what he needs in a relationship thought I have offered to be cool with an open relationship but he is extremely loyal. 

[Haze.]

Just now, Arrilisia said:

Oh thanks for the offer. ♥️🤗 Not sure how he would handle strangers from the Ace forum. Saying oh btw your girlfriend is Demisexual. 😅 I honestly think this is why he won't ask me to marry him.  I won't push it on him though because I understand what he needs in a relationship thought I have offered to be cool with an open relationship but he is extremely loyal. 

Yeah, I thought it might be a little strange, but I figured I might as well offer! xD

I understand your stress about the situation... but maybe if he understands, he'll cope with it better. Who knows? I wish you the best.

[Jax Nikara]

I wish you the best as well. Any time you need to talk, feel free.

[Haze.]

[[Side note I just thought of- I suggested you might be demi and grey. Some people consider demi to be securely under the grey umbrella, and therefore saying both is redundant or unnecessary. I recognise demi as a "grey" sexuality, but I think I distinguish the two more. Demi is being sexually attracted to someone only after an emotional bond if formed. (And then, with that person, in my mind, being "functionally" a sexual person.) To me, being grey-demi would be the definition of demisexual, but even within the emotionally bonded (demisexual) relationship, sexual feelings are still more rare than in a "normal" relationship.]]

[Snao Cone]

I think that demi and grey are both important to emphasize, because if you say you need a close bond to want sex with someone, he might think that means you two don't have a close bond. Really, it sounds like the romantic bond is there as strongly as it is for anyone, but for whatever reason your sexuality isn't coming out. By identifying as grey, you're saying that despite having wanted sex at times in your life, you can go for extended periods of time feeling very much asexual, which means a lack of being into sex isn't indicative of a physical or emotional problem, and it doesn't speak differently of your romantic connection to your partner.

[Haze.]

1 hour ago, Snao Cone said:

I think that demi and grey are both important to emphasize, because if you say you need a close bond to want sex with someone, he might think that means you two don't have a close bond. Really, it sounds like the romantic bond is there as strongly as it is for anyone, but for whatever reason your sexuality isn't coming out. By identifying as grey, you're saying that despite having wanted sex at times in your life, you can go for extended periods of time feeling very much asexual, which means a lack of being into sex isn't indicative of a physical or emotional problem, and it doesn't speak differently of your romantic connection to your partner.

^^^^^ I agree for sure

[Arrilisia]

6 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

I think that demi and grey are both important to emphasize, because if you say you need a close bond to want sex with someone, he might think that means you two don't have a close bond. Really, it sounds like the romantic bond is there as strongly as it is for anyone, but for whatever reason your sexuality isn't coming out. By identifying as grey, you're saying that despite having wanted sex at times in your life, you can go for extended periods of time feeling very much asexual, which means a lack of being into sex isn't indicative of a physical or emotional problem, and it doesn't speak differently of your romantic connection to your partner.

I have gone through extended periods of time not wanting sex, especially when my partner emotionally withdraws and that closeness diminishes. It's like a vicious cycle if  that makes sense. Like i don't want sex when I feel disconnected emotionally/romantic. I need physical touch, a hug, a kiss, hand holding, cuddling to get me to the next level of sexual desire and it's not foreplay either. Foreplay just bores me to death! So the more he emotionally distances the more I don't want to have sex. And then he is more frustrated because there is no sex. So I dunno...so confused. That's why I feel defective and completely wrong because I am not at the same sexual level he is. Though I wish I could offer more but I just can't.

[Haze.]

4 minutes ago, Arrilisia said:

I have gone through extended periods of time not wanting sex, especially when my partner emotionally withdraws and that closeness diminishes. It's like a vicious cycle if  that makes sense. Like i don't want sex when I feel disconnected emotionally/romantic. I need physical touch, a hug, a kiss, hand holding, cuddling to get me to the next level of sexual desire and it's not foreplay either. Foreplay just bores me to death! So the more he emotionally distances the more I don't want to have sex. And then he is more frustrated because there is no sex. So I dunno...so confused. That's why he feel defective and complete wrong because I am not at the same sexual level he is. 

The more you say, the more I think you are both very demi and dark grey.

[Arrilisia]

And today, not trying to be TMI.

We had sex this morning before he went to work. He wants me to initiate because he is frustrated when I don't play part in our sexual activities. And he says sex helps him have a release for his stress. (Pun not intended) So I initiate for his sake even though I could have been fine not having sex. I don't use sex to release stress, I exercise. Lol but he is a sexual person so sex is very important in our relationship. For me it's not that important. Spending quality time together is important, other activities not involving sex. 

[Haze.]

9 minutes ago, Arrilisia said:

And today, not trying to be TMI.

We had sex this morning before he went to work. He wants me to initiate because he is frustrated when I don't play part in our sexual activities. And he says sex helps him have a release for his stress. (Pun not intended) So I initiate for his sake even though I could have been fine not having sex. I don't use sex to release stress, I exercise. Lol but he is a sexual person so sex is very important in our relationship. For me it's not that important. Spending quality time together is important, other activities not involving sex. 

 

Very characteristic of a greysexual relationship...

I'm sorry about your struggles.

[Arrilisia]

7 minutes ago, Hazel_Elise said:

 

Very characteristic of a greysexual relationship...

I'm sorry about your struggles.

Thank you for understanding. I have spent years racking my brain is to why am I this way??? Thinking maybe I was just messed up for being sexually repressed in my teen years because I was raised in a religious cult who focused way too much on the topic of sex and not having sex and no masturbating..etc. but I knew plenty of people my age who were sex crazed raised the same way. (Sorry for the TMI again) But my partner always thought that was why I was repressed and wasn't interested in masturbating in front of him or how I didn't get off on masturbating, because that is repulsive to me and I don't feel anything.  But he gets really turned on if I "fake masturbate" in front of him. Again zero pleasure on my end. I only do this for him. And then I don't understand why I can't do this and why it doesn't feel good for me unlike all the normal sexual people out there... Mentally very taxing when I didn't have  anything to compare or spectrum of sexuality to see where I fit in. But now I have that and it helps tremendously with my mental well being. 

[Haze.]

1 hour ago, Arrilisia said:

Thank you for understanding. I have spent years racking my brain is to why am I this way??? Thinking maybe I was just messed up for being sexually repressed in my teen years because I was raised in a religious cult who focused way too much on the topic of sex and not having sex and no masturbating..etc. but I knew plenty of people my age who were sex crazed raised the same way. (Sorry for the TMI again) But my partner always thought that was why I was repressed and wasn't interested in masturbating in front of him or how I didn't get off on masturbating, because that is repulsive to me and I don't feel anything.  But he gets really turned on if I "fake masturbate" in front of him. Again zero pleasure on my end. I only do this for him. And then I don't understand why I can't do this and why it doesn't feel good for me unlike all the normal sexual people out there... Mentally very taxing when I didn't have  anything to compare or spectrum of sexuality to see where I fit in. But now I have that and it helps tremendously with my mental well being. 

I'm so glad that this information is making you feel a bit better about yourself! I hope that you continue to discover how to accept your sexuality.