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Dsaez36

Should i tell him i'm asexual before going to visit him?

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Dsaez36

Hi all,

 

I know there are different topics dealing with the 'how to tell him/her i'm asexual', but i couldn't find one that fits my situation.

 

About a year ago, i met a man. I almost instantly felt romantically attracted to him. Since we live in different countries, we have not seen each other again yet. But we kept in touch. We are talking more and more often, and he (i think) is showing interest for me. He invited me several times to come visit him.

 

I would love to go see him, but i don't know if i should tell him i'm asexual before booking any flight tickets, or if i should go and see how it goes... I just want to avoid any uncomfortable situation, both for myself and him. I never said i'm asexual to anyone before...

 

Any advice?

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daveb

I'm generally in favor of being open and up-front. Better to get it out there and find out if he is okay with before spending time and money to go see him. But that's just my opinion. I have been trying to be more open and honest with people I care about, and the more I do it the better I feel about it. I think communication is important. Whatever you decide, best wishes! I hope it goes very well! :) 

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Dsaez36

Yeah, i guess it's the best thing to do. Now i just have to find the good time and way to say it ^_^. Thanks!

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MrDane

As a sexual, I would still say, that it depends on your degree of asexuality combined with his desire for sex. Dont promise anything that you know that you are not willing to try to keep and perhaps tell that he shouldnt expect to much more than a friendship. Just plainly saying “Im asexual” could be dismissing the possibility of a good friendship/relationship evolving,  since many sexuals see sex as quite defining about the intimacy in a relationship. (As does I)

 

if you are repulsd by the very thought, then you should say it out loud and even emphasize it.

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Ippiki-ookami

I believe you should tell him before investing any more time and emotion into the potential relationship. It's better to find out how they feel about you being asexual now, also make sure to explain things clearly and what your limits are and things so don't hold back so there's no misunderstanding later on. Also be prepared that it could go either way, as in he might take it well or he might not. Good luck.

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LucindaC
19 hours ago, daveb said:

I'm generally in favor of being open and up-front.

Absolutely agree. It would avoid nasty surprises and a lot of uncomfortable situations.

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MrDane

I do agree with the two prior statements, and have found myself in quite some pain due to not knowing this about my partner.

...but some people would be scared away before actually thinking about how it would be. You could also find yourself getting a best friend, who gets his sex other places, like an open relationship. 

And you have to deal your cards at the rigth time. I know, that it is unfair, but allow me to compare to a dating profile. A lot of people would be scared off, if you wrote other conditions, which were not as most are, and which were irreversible, like being unable to use your legs.  How sad to lose your possibility for happiness due to a stupid prejudism. 

 

Personally I would have liked my wife to be more open about her feelings about sex, and I wouldnt have dared going into this relationship had I known. But apart from the beforementioned pain, I would also have missed the best wife and three beautiful, clever girls.

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Astryda

I agree with everyone who said that you should tell him before visiting, however MrDane has a point too. Therefore I would do it that way: either tell him before you go, or ask the guy what he plans to do when you are there. If you see anything that would be 'sexually suspicious' then tell him you don't want to have sex on that meeting, then if he is okay with that, tell him when you arrive. And I think it would be better if you will not be staying at his place thus you'd be able to escape from any unwanted or awkward situation to your safe place.

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