Gender Confidence

[butterflydreams]

I’m curious if anyone has any thoughts on how to build gender confidence. That’s to say, confidence in yourself, who and what you are. I’ve found it really hard to assert, “I am a woman. I am female.”

 

I think for me, it has to do with feeling like I haven’t earned it. I haven’t done enough. I hate feeling that way, because I have done so so much.

 

I’m constantly afraid of being outed and I think it actually makes things worse. When I don’t carry myself with confidence, I’m more likely to be clocked and less likely to have anyone take interest in me (for friendship or more).

 

I really want to build the confidence that I am passing and I am female. I’m wondering if anyone has any tips on what works for them in doing this.

[Starbogen]

Well for me something that helps is remembering how well I pass and how much I failed at "girl mode". Like just looking at my face helps because it really doesn't look like a girl's face at all so to me that feels like my own body validating that I'm a guy. 

 

My body is a different story though..so for that I just try to focus on masculine details about it. I tell myself that even though it's obviously a "female" body, at least I have a relatively broad waist and narrowish hips and a lot of body hair and I'm tall enough and basically just make myself see all the little details that are pretty good compared to what they could have been.

 

Now how to validate my gender and be more confident in it based on internal things... that's more complicated, but a lot of times something that helps is listening to my best friend when she tells me that I'm a man and why she thinks so. Sometimes on really bad days I even directly ask her to tell me. I don't know how healthy that is but fuck it, it helps so why not. Plus cis people got to be told stuff like "You're such a smart/pretty/kind/good/whatever boy/girl" their whole lives and we got told the wrong gender at the end of all of those comments, so it makes sense to want to get all the external validation we can to make up for it now.

 

Something else that I try to think of when I want to feel more confident is to remind myself of how much I failed socially in "girl mode". How awkward and just...not present I was all the time. I'm still super awkward and absent minded and weird and isolated but it's different somehow. I feel like I'm better as a person and like I'm just more comfortable in my skin (not literally because body dysphoria but I feel better about interacting with people as a guy than interacting with people while trying my best and failing to be a girl). So yeah, I tell myself that if being a girl was such a problem and being a guy is just...being, then it makes more sense that I'm just a guy.

 

And the last thing I can think of basically also has to do with that and it's that.. if I had been a girl, I wouldn't have started doing things in the first place. Like yeah maybe I would have questioned my gender and mascuilinized my appearance more, but I think that if I had been a girl I wouldn't have given myself a male name and stuck to it or gone to the men's bathroom and stuck to it or always introduce myself as a guy or keep having to come out to every professor or doctor or whatever person has had access to my legal name. So yeah I just remind myself of everything I've done and everything I feel (like very specific body dysphoria and sadness over how my family sees me) and tell myself that if I was a girl none of those things would be an issue.

 

If I was a girl I would have been happy once my parents accepted that I prefered men's clothes and short hair. I wouldn't have wanted to have a male name and male pronouns and a male body. So I remind myself of that stuff until I accept that I want those things because I'm male.

 

Edit: Also.. why do you feel like you haven't done enough??? From what I know of you you've done almost everything there is to do. But even if you hadn't I think it's more about how you feel and what you want than what you've done.

[Mezzo Forte]

I wish I could say what made me so gender confident, but I think it's just how the physical transition facilitated the mental transition. Last time I got ma'amed was back in June, and the server immediately apologized and corrected herself without me even having to say anything. Getting misgendered is so rare that I just assume that I'm being read as male, so I don't have to think about it.

 

Guess it sounds like a hard loop to enter: passing begets confidence while confidence begets passing. Thankfully, confidence isn't the sole factor in passability, and your momentum is still building. I think you can already see that there's trouble with trying to convince yourself that you haven't done enough. You've already come so far, and you're only going to progress farther and farther with time.

 

One thing that might help with confidence is to wear something that specifically draws attention to a feminine feature you have confidence in. Maybe a top that makes your boobs look nice, or an outfit that emphasizes the shape of your hips. If you enjoy how you look, that confidence should bleed into confidence in yourself as a woman.

[butterflydreams]

1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Guess it sounds like a hard loop to enter: passing begets confidence while confidence begets passing. Thankfully, confidence isn't the sole factor in passability, and your momentum is still building. I think you can already see that there's trouble with trying to convince yourself that you haven't done enough. You've already come so far, and you're only going to progress farther and farther with time.

Oh I know, I just feel like I don’t pass at all. I don’t know how I can still say that, but I can. I read about these other girls, who are going on dates without even telling the guy and I’m thinking, “how are they doing that? I couldn’t do that.” Getting misgendered at my new job was a huge blow, no doubt about it. 

 

The thing that weirds me out is I know I’ve looked feminine for a long time. Since roughly May 2016. I can look at pictures of myself then and really see it. I wish people just saw me as female, but I know they don’t. I know it. And it makes me want to cry.

 

1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

One thing that might help with confidence is to wear something that specifically draws attention to a feminine feature you have confidence in. Maybe a top that makes your boobs look nice, or an outfit that emphasizes the shape of your hips. If you enjoy how you look, that confidence should bleed into confidence in yourself as a woman.

I should just get some more push-up bras and wear them a lot. 

 

Truth be told, I’m envious of people who pass so well. I think that’ll never be me, and I get so depressed. I compare myself to trans guys (which is totally unfair to myself). Comparing myself to anyone is unfair.

[Mezzo Forte]

32 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Oh I know, I just feel like I don’t pass at all. I don’t know how I can still say that, but I can. I read about these other girls, who are going on dates without even telling the guy and I’m thinking, “how are they doing that? I couldn’t do that.” Getting misgendered at my new job was a huge blow, no doubt about it. 

 

The thing that weirds me out is I know I’ve looked feminine for a long time. Since roughly May 2016. I can look at pictures of myself then and really see it. I wish people just saw me as female, but I know they don’t. I know it. And it makes me want to cry.

 

I should just get some more push-up bras and wear them a lot. 

 

Truth be told, I’m envious of people who pass so well. I think that’ll never be me, and I get so depressed. I compare myself to trans guys (which is totally unfair to myself). Comparing myself to anyone is unfair.

I imagine that you have conflicting "I pass" and "I don't pass" narratives swimming around in your head. It definitely sucks to deal with those feelings, but the "I pass" feeling will win out in the end.

 

It honestly baffles me when people misgender you, and I'm definitely upset for you because of those situations.

 

The comparison game has a way of bringing out a lot of negative emotions, and I hope my experiences aren't contributing to that for you. I'm guilty of a lot of comparison games in regards to facial hair, which makes me rather impatient, but my big thing is that I keep reminding myself that even if it doesn't happen today, it will happen eventually and looking at how others' progress can't change my pace. FtM transition is definitely a heck of a lot faster than MtF, and I wish there were ways to speed up the MtF transition.

 

I don't know if it helps, but I'm sure you've seen that plenty of people even on this site aren't as far along as you, and they may look to you and make similar comparisons. You yourself admit that your femininity is undeniable, and I'd wager that holds true even in the situations where you get misgendered, and those situations are only going to get rarer and rarer. I've heard of transmen with full beards getting ma'amed before, so freak stuff like that might happen, but eventually, you'll hit a point where even if freak stuff like that happened, correcting people won't be quite so intimidating.

[butterflydreams]

58 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

It honestly baffles me when people misgender you, and I'm definitely upset for you because of those situations.

It certainly helps to hear that. Had a good few days so far, so hopefully things are changing.

 

59 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

The comparison game has a way of bringing out a lot of negative emotions, and I hope my experiences aren't contributing to that for you. I'm guilty of a lot of comparison games in regards to facial hair, which makes me rather impatient, but my big thing is that I keep reminding myself that even if it doesn't happen today, it will happen eventually and looking at how others' progress can't change my pace. FtM transition is definitely a heck of a lot faster than MtF, and I wish there were ways to speed up the MtF transition.

No, it's not you at all. And I know you're struggling with the facial hair game. Cis guys are the same way, if it makes you feel any better. It took my brother years before he could grow a proper decent beard. At first, I wanted my transition to be slow, but now I'm kinda like, ok, let's go...getting impatient here. If someone told me, "patience young grasshopper" I might feel better. Just to know that things will get better and that I will pass well. Just to know that this is part of the process. My mentor has been saying some stuff like that. Saying that transition is hard and that I should cut myself some slack.

 

1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I don't know if it helps, but I'm sure you've seen that plenty of people even on this site aren't as far along as you, and they may look to you and make similar comparisons. You yourself admit that your femininity is undeniable, and I'd wager that holds true even in the situations where you get misgendered, and those situations are only going to get rarer and rarer. I've heard of transmen with full beards getting ma'amed before, so freak stuff like that might happen, but eventually, you'll hit a point where even if freak stuff like that happened, correcting people won't be quite so intimidating.

I know, and I hope I'm not scaring them off of anything. I guess I just don't generate that same incredulousness about my femininity as other people seem to. Like my friend who said I looked female even when I didn't look my best. I think that's how people genuinely see me. I just don't see myself that way.

 

4 hours ago, Starbogen said:

if I had been a girl, I wouldn't have started doing things in the first place. Like yeah maybe I would have questioned my gender and mascuilinized my appearance more, but I think that if I had been a girl I wouldn't have given myself a male name and stuck to it or gone to the men's bathroom and stuck to it or always introduce myself as a guy or keep having to come out to every professor or doctor or whatever person has had access to my legal name. So yeah I just remind myself of everything I've done and everything I feel (like very specific body dysphoria and sadness over how my family sees me) and tell myself that if I was a girl none of those things would be an issue.

I think this is great. This is all stuff I've done too, and I need to remind myself that cis guys don't do what I've done. I guess I could remind myself too that I wouldn't cringe when my mom calls me a guy or my birth name if this weren't who I am.

 

4 hours ago, Starbogen said:

Edit: Also.. why do you feel like you haven't done enough??? From what I know of you you've done almost everything there is to do. But even if you hadn't I think it's more about how you feel and what you want than what you've done.

No I know. The only things I haven't done are surgeries, but even that's on the horizon. One of the things everyone says though is that surgeries won't make you more of a man/woman. They say that if you expect that, you'll be let down, so I really want to feel and assert, to myself and others, that I am a woman, I am female and I have every right to be seen that way by others.