Sexual Partners in Asexual Relationships (Possible Sexual Content)

[BigCuddlyRoe]

Hey there!

 

I'm looking for...I suppose maybe advice and hopefully some wisdom from experience to possibly help me through my current situation.

 

Seven years ago I talked about sex with my partner and we agreed to no sex before marriage. I was feeling a lot of Catholic guilt at the time and figured I should hold onto this facet of my religion. However as the years went on I felt more able to accept myself and wanted more of a sexual relationship with my partner and began to want it as part of an adult relationship. 

 

However she she never seemed interested in it and talking about it was awkward but it didn't help my needs. I started to feel I was horribly unattractive or repulsive or unloved as a result and I kept pushing the conversations to try and find out what was going on. Little did I know my girlfriend identified as Asexual and just didn't see an interest or point in sex.

 

Cut to present day and now I'm a counselling psychologist in training and at this particular part of my training we're learning about thinking errors and cognitions. This coupled with experience in working with childhood abuse survivors led to me constantly pathologising my partner. I kept wondering and worrying why she was like this, that perhaps her low sex drive was a result of some cognitive barrier that we could work on.

 

Then as I kept trying to find ways to talk about it she told me she identified as Asexual. In my desire to make this work (as I love her dearly and felt this was a small but significant barrier that could be fixed) I did some small research and found this site which was hugely educational and helped me change my perspective entirely. I feel immensely guilty for pathologising her before and felt like I was basically trying conversion therapy on her as a result in trying to pick apart her reasons. I figured...well I know homosexuality isn't a choice so why should asexuality be? I suppose I feel real sympathy for what must be one of the most invisible sexual orientations out there.

 

However, this won't make my experience of the relationship much easier. While I feel more at peace with it now and feel I will be able to work with the knowledge gained from this site. That's why I'm asking for advice and experiences from people in relationships where their partners sexual needs are different from their own as I really want to make my relationship work and while it may ultimately come down to a solution of our own making, having the extra knowledge can't hurt.

 

Thank you!

[Amathy]

Speaking as an asexual who has been in a relationship with someone who was sexual: I consider intimacy to be cuddling.  Cuddling was my way of showing my partner that I was emotionally attracted to them and loved them.  I felt very uncomfortable whenever the topic of sexual activity was broached and I compare it to being doused in ice cold water.  We did have an open relationship as I was unwilling to engage in any sexual activity.  The compromise that works the best is dependent on each couple.  The key to making a relationship work is honest communication and acceptance.

[lazypanda]

This is a tough situation to be in, and it is my opinion that your partner should have been more honest with you upfront,before you invested emotionally on her.It's really nice that you want to make this work...not a lot of guys understand us and are willing to work on a not-so-sexually-fulfilling relationship...so i think ur partner is very lucky. We at aven will try our best to help you. 

Ok, there are only a few ways to make this work : 

1) You compromise . You lower your sexual demands to make your partner feel comfortable. This is at the expense of you feeling unfulfilled. 

2) Your partner compromises . She lets go of her uninterest/disgust in sex, and tries to work on it to please you.This is at the expense of your partner being uncomfortable .

3) You both talk it out and reach a middle ground,where you both compromise a little so that everybody wins. This is probably the best option but its easier said than done.

4) You have an open relationship. You continue to love your partner and have a relationship with her, but you have your sexual needs meet elsewhere . Many couples are ok with this, but you being a catholic, i don't know if this will be an option for you.

Thats all I can think of ....

All the best, hope this works out for you and your partner !!! 

 

Btw...are there really catholic guys out there who wait for marriage ??? Seriously ??? 😲

[Guest]

Did she know she was asexual before you two got serious ? If so, I'm concerned she didn't tell you until you were together so long

 

I have been with five people now. My longest was a ten year marriage. I was never able to maintain a sexual relationship really (I have figured out I can enjoy some stuff, but still couldn't do sex on the regular). I wanted to, but the more I had sex the more I wanted to not have it ever again. So, I get the not wanting to. But, the majority of mixed relationships involve some form of compromise on both ends. Very few celibate relationships are successful, but a few have been, though hard on the sexual partner (and in turn the asexual cause no one wants to see their partner unhappy and know they are the cause ). 

 

I'm glad you are trying to be understanding. Don't beat yourself up too much about the trying to solve it, many of us have experienced it. It's just part of the general ignorance, the majority want sex, so never imagine some wouldn't . For a lot of people there would be a solution. 

[BigCuddlyRoe]

Thank you all for your kind words and support. 

4 hours ago, Amathy said:

Speaking as an asexual who has been in a relationship with someone who was sexual: I consider intimacy to be cuddling.  Cuddling was my way of showing my partner that I was emotionally attracted to them and loved them.  I felt very uncomfortable whenever the topic of sexual activity was broached and I compare it to being doused in ice cold water.  We did have an open relationship as I was unwilling to engage in any sexual activity.  The compromise that works the best is dependent on each couple.  The key to making a relationship work is honest communication and acceptance.

This feels very much like our relationship. We're already huge on cuddling as my name might suggest. However, whenever we tried to talk about sex in person (and at distance too I suspect) we both got quite emotional and tense. She would talk about me pressuring her and not accepting her for who she was and making her feel adequate which in turn led to me feeling like a monster. While I might have asked her to do sexual things, the reluctance in her voice on the one occasion she agreed was an unbelievable turn off as I didn't want to force her into anything. Cuddling is a level we are exceptionally good at! In fact knowing more about asexuality now had made me value it more.

 

 

Regarding when she knew about her asexuality and being upfront about it: I suppose it goes back to the discussion about sex before marriage. While she never outright said why she agreed to it, I was coming at it from the parallel choice of celibacy and she agreed so perhaps she felt like that counted. She says she never hid her dislike of sexuality but I suppose it also never had a light shine upon it to uncover it till now. Still I don't find this a helpful line of thinking, I can think of many reasons why an asexual person would be afraid to tell their partner so I get why it wouldn't have been focused on. As I said the celibacy agreement prevented and held me back from talking about it as well.

 

 

2 hours ago, Serran said:

Did she know she was asexual before you two got serious ? If so, I'm concerned she didn't tell you until you were together so long

 

I have been with five people now. My longest was a ten year marriage. I was never able to maintain a sexual relationship really (I have figured out I can enjoy some stuff, but still couldn't do sex on the regular). I wanted to, but the more I had sex the more I wanted to not have it ever again. So, I get the not wanting to. But, the majority of mixed relationships involve some form of compromise on both ends. Very few celibate relationships are successful, but a few have been, though hard on the sexual partner (and in turn the asexual cause no one wants to see their partner unhappy and know they are the cause ). 

 

Yeah and I hope we can work on compromise. In my more 'combative' phase of discussions about his, I felt that since she could enjoy stimulation from me and achieve orgasm it was a sign she wasn't asexual. However she said this was more for my sake than anything else because I really enjoyed the closeness and got a kick out of it which....hurt to be honest at first but knowing she that she does it to make me happy feels especially nice. Part of me feels bad about looking at it this way but that desire to make me happy seems like a ray of hope that perhaps it could motivate her to agree to some other things though I'm not wanting to rush it too much as feeling pressured frustrates her and makes her feel inadequate.

 

 

I'll admit it is a little frightening to hear in the first few responses all the relationships have been discussed in past tense, especially the 10 year marriage, which makes me think is an extremely difficult hazard to overcome. Considering this is a woman I want to someday marry (which rules out an open relationship) and I'm a big believer of change through open and honest discussion (comes with the job) I want to do everything within my power to make it work but I'm worried I'm being delusional about my expectations and hopes and the reality is this may not work out. 

 

[Guest]

8 hours ago, BigCuddlyRoe said:

 

 

 

I'll admit it is a little frightening to hear in the first few responses all the relationships have been discussed in past tense, especially the 10 year marriage, which makes me think is an extremely difficult hazard to overcome. Considering this is a woman I want to someday marry (which rules out an open relationship) and I'm a big believer of change through open and honest discussion (comes with the job) I want to do everything within my power to make it work but I'm worried I'm being delusional about my expectations and hopes and the reality is this may not work out. 

 

If it makes you feel better, my marriage was probably doomed without the mismatch in sexual needs. My spouse at times was on the abusive side and while I will grant him he really did try to work on his temper, it wasn't ever going to be good enough to feel healthy, in all honesty. 

[gaogao]

On 11/13/2017 at 2:36 PM, BigCuddlyRoe said:

I'll admit it is a little frightening to hear in the first few responses all the relationships have been discussed in past tense, especially the 10 year marriage, which makes me think is an extremely difficult hazard to overcome. Considering this is a woman I want to someday marry (which rules out an open relationship) and I'm a big believer of change through open and honest discussion (comes with the job) I want to do everything within my power to make it work but I'm worried I'm being delusional about my expectations and hopes and the reality is this may not work out. 

Put it this way -- a mismatch in sexual needs can destroy relationships for sexual people with differing drives/kinks/preferences/whatever, and when we're talking about a relationship between an asexual and a sexual, the gap is even more pronounced - so it's not surprising that so many mixed relationships fail. Realistically, you should completely be prepared for the idea that this might not work out, because while I wouldn't say it's impossible, it's going to take a lot of work and a lot of communication, talking, and trying to understand but realising and accepting that you (and your partner) are never really going to understand each other 100% or be truly compatible or make each other completely happy. 

 

But that's part of all relationships as well, since no one can make another human being completely happy - it's just so much harder to accept and understand when your needs are so mismatched. 

 

On the other hand, hey, hi, i'm asexual and in a mixed relationship that isn't in the past tense. I like to think we can work through things and if we can't, we'll need to talk about it and make a decision together - who knows what the future holds? f you believe in change through open and honest discussion that's one thing, but your partner has to believe it too. I also don't know whether I'd frame it as 'change' but rather like... acceptance and understanding. There's no ideal solution that works for everyone, since no two people and no two couples are ever 100% alike, but if you wanna ask me anything i'm always open to answering stuff.

[sunmarsh]

As I'm sure you know, this is just the beginning and the first of many, many conversations that you will need to have with your partner about this. 

 

And it's not just open dialog that is going to move things forward, it's going to take time. Yes, you now have a new perspective on your partner's sexuality, but it doesn't change your previous actions, assumptions, or conversations. There is a level of trust that needs to be established. You want to compromise, but is it on your terms or hers? How can she be confident that she is always in a safe space to change her mind, to say 'no' or withdraw consent even after previously agreeing?

 

Don't make this a guilt trip for either of you. I think that you both need to be more comfortable just talking openly about your feelings about intimacy, sex, and expectations and vision for the relationship in general, before any deals are made or solutions proposed to address the current sexytime drought.

 

 Also just because your partner is ace and is generally unwilling/uncomfortable to engage in sexual activity doesn't mean that they are opposed to all types/situations. But that varies from ace to ace and is just something you need to talk to her about and see where her comfort zone lies. Maybe there is something that is pleasurable for her in specific circumstances that can help things work.

 

I recommend trying a want, will, won't list. This video might be helpful in that regard: 

 

 

[BigCuddlyRoe]

On 11/17/2017 at 6:04 AM, sunmarsh said:

As I'm sure you know, this is just the beginning and the first of many, many conversations that you will need to have with your partner about this. 

 

And it's not just open dialog that is going to move things forward, it's going to take time. Yes, you now have a new perspective on your partner's sexuality, but it doesn't change your previous actions, assumptions, or conversations. There is a level of trust that needs to be established. You want to compromise, but is it on your terms or hers? How can she be confident that she is always in a safe space to change her mind, to say 'no' or withdraw consent even after previously agreeing?

 

Don't make this a guilt trip for either of you. I think that you both need to be more comfortable just talking openly about your feelings about intimacy, sex, and expectations and vision for the relationship in general, before any deals are made or solutions proposed to address the current sexytime drought.

 

 Also just because your partner is ace and is generally unwilling/uncomfortable to engage in sexual activity doesn't mean that they are opposed to all types/situations. But that varies from ace to ace and is just something you need to talk to her about and see where her comfort zone lies. Maybe there is something that is pleasurable for her in specific circumstances that can help things work.

 

I recommend trying a want, will, won't list. This video might be helpful in that regard: 

 

 

Yeah the video looks interesting, I'm not sure I like the implication at the end that if you can't match up wants/wills/won'ts well then you should become friends instead of something romantic but it looks like it could be useful.

Though a couple of questions about compromise I guess. I imagine if I was making up that list, I should put on some forms of compromise on my part, such as places I wouldn't ask for sex. If even the asking is considered a source of frustration and harassment then compromising this could be an improvement. That said I'm not really sure how many different ways a sexual can compromise in an asexual relationship...short of just not asking their partner. I realise that depending on sex drive that can be a HUGE compromise but I wish there was more I could do as I feel my partner is making a bigger compromise in that while my compromise is an absence of actions, her compromise would actually involve actions.

[Telecaster68]

Quote

 You want to compromise, but is it on your terms or hers? 

By definition, compromise is on both people's terms, surely?

 

I'm the sexual with a functionally asexual wife. We don't actually have sex at all, and may well never, which I'm not great with but there are other factors (menopause, illness, life circumstances) that make any compromise on her part harder.

 

For me, compromise is going to involve you each accepting that your own well being is a partly a function of your partner's well being - in other words you're positively contributing to your joint well being rather than grudgingly conceding from your ideal. 

 

The asexual partner starts from not wanting sex at all, for themselves. So they're compromising by having sex at all - how much of a compromise depends on how they feel about it: repulsed? neutral? enjoying it while not particularly being bothered if they have it ever again?

 

So compromise for them is (I'm guessing, not being an asexual) might look involve, depending on the person:

• having sex at all
• physical closeness and touching
• nakedness and vulnerability
• discomfort with emotional intimacy
• spending time away from other things they'd rather be doing
• dealing with bodily fluids
• accepting their partner is going to be seeing them sexually sometimes

It seems pretty common for asexuals to be uncomfortable with one or more of these things.

 

The sexual partner is most likely starting from wanting sex, say, a couple of times a week, enthusiastically, passionately, with both partners enjoying sharing that intimacy in a variety of physical ways.

 

So compromise for the sexual is going to involve some combination of:

• lower frequency
• limited actual activities (such as no penetration, no oral, whatever)
• scheduling
• sex never being passionate
• never being sexually desired
• lacking emotional intimacy

Hope that lot helps!