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Divorces


Astryda

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Hello there,

 

If it's not a problem, I'd like to hear from those who have ever considered whether they should get divorce (whether on background of a/sexuality or not). Did you go through it, and if so, how did you decide when enough was enough? If not, then why did you stay? Did you regret any of these decisions later? I will appreciate any input.

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My situation is different because I divorced in 1982 - after he'd taken himself off who knew where. Left me with £4000+ of debt (a lot of money back then), never paid a penny maintenance.

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2 minutes ago, Frankentan said:

My situation is different because I divorced in 1982 - after he'd taken himself off who knew where. Left me with £4000+ of debt (a lot of money back then), never paid a penny maintenance.

Sorry to hear that. You were really brave to manage. I know what I'm saying since I had similar situation in my family.

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16 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

My situation was different as well. My divorce was a matter of survival rather than sexuality!

Survival? That doesn't sound good. I hope everything worked out for you.

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Well, I have two under my belt. The first one to a male lasted 7 years and 2 children. I am sure we divorced because especially after having kids my Ace-ness really kicked in. I was left for a tall blonde stewardess who looked better on  his arm. It took 3 years to actually divorce. Then I spent 11 years as a single parent. I met my (I thought) life partner, a female, and we were together 16 years. Divorced now for going on 3 years, and trying to re-build my life and my expectations at an older age than I would like. I am totally sure it was my Ace-ness that caused that divorce :(

 

I am sorry for anyone going through this. The changes in your expectations for your life are very hard.

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Not divorced by ended a multiyear relationship with my ace partner about one year ago.

I don't think marriage is worth, things become much more difficult and people stay together even when they are unhappy because of the stress of facing a divorce. 

But if a divorce is necessary it will happen no matter what so I think is a very silly concept with no real advantage.

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@Mocha Jo

 

It had to be really difficult for you. Thanks for sharing and I hope everything will work out for you and you will find happiness in your life.

 

@Blondbear

 

Thanks for sharing your story and opinion.

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@Frankentan, my parents divorced in 1984, my father left us with £21000 of debt plus gambling debts, he was never committed to his marriage, he had a string of affairs, loads of children by other women, he would go out clubbing, picking up other women, he lived the life of a single person, I managed to clear off most of the debts, the gambling debts, I received many kick ins, lost my car, motorbike, ended up with a criminal record for defending myself and the family, so I fully understand where you're coming from, myself, I've never been married, never been in a long term relationship, never been in debt either :mellow:

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@oldgeeza It's even harder for you - at least I walked into the relationship (OK, with my eyes closed, not open) but you didn't ask for any of it, didn't even have any option. Kudos to you 

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@Frankentan, I know it goes on all over the place, but I think it's too easy to run up debts in the UK, far too easy for men to turn their backs on their families and walk away from all their responsibilities 

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  • 1 month later...

Hi Astryda,

 

I'm going through this right now.  My husband has been unhappy with me for many years.  Unfortunately, I was unaware I was asexual...I had thought I was just a heterosexual with low libido.  Went to many doctors and therapists to no avail.  Finally at 43 yrs old I discovered there is nothing actually wrong with me!!  I am asexual!  I've been this way my entire life.   

It isn't easy.  We have two girls and he has been very resentful.  We are getting a divorce because I refuse to "compromise" and have sex with him.  I don't even consider it an option really.  The only way I could get through it before what to disassociate myself from my body (that was why I was in therapy).  

 

In any case I am relieved to know that I don't have to spend the rest of my life trying to be "fixed" and am also looking forward to NOT having to live with a resentful man who feels entitled to my body.  He is to this day possessive of my body and says he feels jealous if I even masturbate.  

 

Nonetheless, He is a good person and I still love him as the father of my children.  I would like to maintain a friendship with him going forward, but at this point that will be his decision.  He can remain bitter and resentful OR move on and be happy.  His decision and I can't control it.

 

I am moving on regardless because I know that is what is best and healthiest for all parties involved.  

 

Once I saw the truth, there was no turning back.  It set me free of years of guilt and shame.

 

Truly,

Hilda

 

 

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After nearly 22 years of marriage, I'm fairly certain my husband and I are headed for divorce.  He's very resentful and keeps pushing for sex, and I feel myself absolutely hating the topic. I told him years ago, while we were going to counseling for a 2nd time, that I was almost positive I'm asexual. He just thinks it's a cop out. He thinks I just don't care about his needs. I'm just really tired of trying to hold it together and I'm at the point where I refuse to be pressured into something I don't want. I want to be free. Our youngest has a year and a half left of school. I had hoped to make it work until she goes off to college, but I'm not certain we'll make it. 

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straightouttamordor

I know you're in a tough place Tammie. Hope things work out to whatever you think is best. Many Aces have been where your at.

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I had a nearly perfect marriage, for me. I was married to a gay man. Our relationship was mostly platonic... except when we conceived our children. Unfortunately, it wasn’t perfect for him, and we divorced so he could live as his authentic self. 

Selfishly I regret it. That relationship was the only one that has ever been sustainable to me. I miss having a partner in life. 

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2 hours ago, SarahN said:

I had a nearly perfect marriage, for me. I was married to a gay man. Our relationship was mostly platonic... except when we conceived our children. Unfortunately, it wasn’t perfect for him, and we divorced so he could live as his authentic self. 

Selfishly I regret it. That relationship was the only one that has ever been sustainable to me. I miss having a partner in life. 

Sarah can I as you? Do you marry him knowing he was gay? What happened after conceived your child. Thanks for sharing your experience 

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Divorce is something I think about quite often, but I don't think I'd ever go through with it. With my youngest being 16, it would certainly be easier at this point, but honestly, I enjoy the companionship and having a partner in life. I don't want to give that up. Sometimes I fantasize about having a frank discussion with my husband - admitting my asexuality and requesting a sex-free marriage. I can't imagine that would go over well, though. So I plod along and view sex as just another one of the unpleasant chores I have to do in order to live a good life and get on with it. I do  think about him as well and the unfairness of it all, but then again, he has a choice in the matter just like I do. 

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11 hours ago, mari said:

Sarah can I as you? Do you marry him knowing he was gay? What happened after conceived your child. Thanks for sharing your experience 

I didn’t know he was gay....I also didn’t know I was on the asexual spectrum. I just thought we had this weird, brilliant relationship that lacked sex. At first I worried that he would be disappointed if I never initiated it (but he never seemed to be, nor did he ever initiate). But we would lay in bed at night and read, or talk for hours. It was a very unique relationship but I felt somewhat ashamed because I couldn’t relate to what my girlfriends would talk about. In any case, the conceptions were stressful (I tracked my ovulation and knew which day we needed to try)...not at all romantic, and often he couldn’t “finish” so to speak so we’d have to try again a few hours later. 😅 we had 3 babies, and each time I found out I was pregnant, I knew we were off the hook for a long while. 🤣

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On 23/12/2017 at 11:35 AM, SarahN said:

I didn’t know he was gay....I also didn’t know I was on the asexual spectrum. I just thought we had this weird, brilliant relationship that lacked sex. At first I worried that he would be disappointed if I never initiated it (but he never seemed to be, nor did he ever initiate). But we would lay in bed at night and read, or talk for hours. It was a very unique relationship but I felt somewhat ashamed because I couldn’t relate to what my girlfriends would talk about. In any case, the conceptions were stressful (I tracked my ovulation and knew which day we needed to try)...not at all romantic, and often he couldn’t “finish” so to speak so we’d have to try again a few hours later. 😅 we had 3 babies, and each time I found out I was pregnant, I knew we were off the hook for a long while. 🤣

Thank you for answering very clear and share your experience with me and the group 

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

@Astryda It worked out fantastically! Best thing I ever did! I escaped with not a penny to my name, no job, a little baby to care for, a plethora of bruises , and a split lip, but with the care and help of my lion hearted mother, we won through. My daughter is now an Oxford educated linguist and I had a hard won successful career in Nursing. Before my mother died in 2010, she knew we'd be fine.

 

@oldgeeza, sorry you had to go through all that , but it seems you have learned such a lot from it. I think sometimes parents are there to show you how not to be, as well as how to be!

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I divorced my ex who was verbally and emotionally abusive and that was one of the best decisions of my life. We didn't fight in court, none of us had any debts, we didn't have much stuff to divide between us either. Him and me co-parent our daughter and he's not too bad a father actually, seems sensible about holiday arrangements etc. so it worked out fine I guess.

I like my life as it is now actually and I don't think I would like to marry anyone in the near future. I like my space and independence a little bit too much, it seems ;)    

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On 12/16/2017 at 7:35 AM, Hi_ItsMe_MelissaB said:

 

In any case I am relieved to know that I don't have to spend the rest of my life trying to be "fixed" and am also looking forward to NOT having to live with a resentful man who feels entitled to my body.  He is to this day possessive of my body and says he feels jealous if I even masturbate.  

 

I am so glad that you did what is best for you. I don't know why a lot of men have this misconception of possession of the body of their significant other. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I was married briefly in my early 30s (I'm in my mid-50s now).
The marriage was a total disaster because I'm an aro/repulsed ace, so it was never going to work with a sexual/romantic person.
I spent the entire marriage sleeping on the couch, and I was massively relieved and liberated when we divorced.

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On 14/11/2017 at 11:23 PM, Mocha Jo said:

I am sure we divorced because especially after having kids my Ace-ness really kicked in. I was left for a tall blonde stewardess who looked better on  his arm.

My guess would be that whether the tall blonde stewardess looked good or not is was the ace-ness really kicking in that led to the divorce. I hope things are better for you now!

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