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veronicaab

Figuring out what gender you're attracted to

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veronicaab

Hey all! I consider myself to be gray-a. Once upon a time I was searching for labels with more info - like hetero-demi or bi-demi, etc. But a few months ago, I gave up and now I embrace the gray-a label with no gender specified (and I've also switched from demi to gray-a for separate reasons).

 

How do you figure out which gender(s) you’re attracted to when attraction is rare in the first place? How do you tell when you’re not even 100% sure of the difference between romantic and platonic? Or the difference between sexual attraction and projecting curiosity onto someone? I’m especially curious for people who are exclusively attracted to one gender and feel reasonably certain of it.

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Graceful

I don’t know. I’ve only ever had crushes on men. Women don’t seem to interest me in a romantic, physical, or sexual way. So my only conclusion to draw is that I’m solely attracted to men. For me, it’s very easy and I never had to give it too much thought. I realize that isn’t true for everyone. For a very short period, I thought I might be panromantic because I couldn’t think of a reason I *couldn’t* love a woman or someone trans, nonbinary, or agender. But the reality is that I never *have* and as a sexual person, I do have a sexual preference for male anatomy. Some people - regardless of being asexual or not - don’t have a preference at all about gender. I think it’s more confusing for people with less specific preferences to figure out what and who they’re attracted to but that’s just my theory.

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Robin Mok

Only been attracted to guys.... and demiboys... I don't think about forming serious relationships or going on dates with them, and will never be okay being called "girlfriend" or "partner" or something like that... so I know it's not romantic... 

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Rachel.L

I've questioned my identity a lot in the past as well. I never had any indication that gender was a factor in me liking someone. If I did like someone it was after getting to know them, not because of their appearance or their gender. I figured that I could like someone regardless of their gender so long as I got to know them and enjoyed being with them. I don't even know for sure if this is the right label for me, but if there is some indication in the future, then I can always change what I label myself as. Labels aren't strict so if you figure it out as you go that's okay!

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TessaMe

Let's see... I've never been in a relationship, and I'm not a physical kind of person, but even so, I do know I have some level of romantic attraction to guys.  I'm not sure how to explain it, other than if on the rare occasion a guy really gets my attention, I just want him to notice me and talk to me, and if he does, I feel elated.  I don't feel that way with women.  That said, even with guys, I don't think I've ever felt any sexual attraction. It's more just a desire to hang out with them and get to know them, but it feels like a more daunting, nerve-wracking task than if I was making friends with a woman.   

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Apathetic Echidna

The familiarity and curiosity I had with other girls completely disappeared by puberty and I slowly became sort of repulsed by women. I don't use a gender specific for my orientation because I think my knowledge of myself is less about who I am attracted to and more about who I am averse to. I am still generally far more intimate in a friendly way with females but any sexual overtures by them has a stronger negative reaction than if it was a male doing it. Though also the few attractions I have had have all been towards AMAB people. 

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wussa

I have always known that I have basically no care for gender but it has taken a long time for me to get past internalized issues with liking anyone that isn't the opposite sex. I choose to use bi instead of pan because of my own reasons but either would fit me. When figuring it out I just took all these terms that are used so often when discussing a/sexuality(romantic, aesthetic, and sexual attraction, etc.) and disected how I felt about a person to see which of these terms fit how I felt. Whenever I got too confused or frustrated I set it aside and revisited it later, its a process that I think I'm still going through so don't feel bad if it takes a bit to figure out what the heck you're feeling. Reading about others experiences really puts things into perspective too, so I recommend that  ^_^

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Just like Jughead

Figure it out? It’s a feeling. And as an asexual I’m not attracted to anyone. 

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Grinchmer
On 13.11.2017 at 4:22 AM, veronicaab said:

How do you figure out which gender(s) you’re attracted to when attraction is rare in the first place? How do you tell when you’re not even 100% sure of the difference between romantic and platonic?

"To be attracted" is a passive term for a reason ;) It's just going whenever it's going to happen and your "target" will be whoever they will be. Your brain won't go ahead and say "I'd be sexually/romantically/whateverically attracted to that person but damn, they're of the 'wrong' gender..."

 

Why do you feel the need to include gender in your thoughts? Why not just let it happen (because that's what's going to happen anyway). Trying to pre-determine these things sounds like an unnecessary obstacle to me :huh:

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miettaisace

well men or women is kinda easy. google female and then male celebrity's and see which ones you are attracted to and why. is it skin colour, jawline, eyebrows, masculine or feminine features.. and so on then you can get a picture of what you are attracted too. 

 

other genders i cant say because i dont know enough. id say if you like people who arent male or female then good for you...

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Sibemarie

It is not easy to explain but, it is kind of an aesthetic atraction to males. Also something else about some of them, their personality. I have friends who are girl, but most of my friends are men. Somehow i deal better with them.  But considering atraction, i had felt mild moderate crushes on guys. If the relationship is close enough i can hug, or cuddle, but that's as far as i want it to go, not more. 

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Deus Ex Infinity

Final result: 99.999999999% female |0.00000000001% male

 

I've only been attracted to one male in my whole life but it doesn't matter since I managed to break free from any kind of labeling or stereotypes. Just being happy with yourself and your life is all that really counts at the very end.

 

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Philip027

Was pretty simple for me.  I always preferred the female sex for company ever since teenager years, because the male sex got kind of repugnant for me around the same time.

 

Since I'm apparently also demiromantic, that pretty much only led to me ever (still rarely) experiencing crushes toward the female sex.

 

Quote

well men or women is kinda easy. google female and then male celebrity's and see which ones you are attracted to and why. is it skin colour, jawline, eyebrows, masculine or feminine features.. and so on then you can get a picture of what you are attracted too. 

This probably would work well enough for most people, but it's possibly blurrier with demis.

 

Me for instance, if I don't know you on at least a close friend basis (male or female), you look utterly plain to me, no matter how objectively attractive you are :|  So for me at least, going through the whole "hot or not" process would be useless.

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