otachi Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 I'm asexual and I'm in a relationship with a non-asexual person. A few months ago I told them that I was okay having sex with them, but nowadays I don't like the idea of doing it anymore. We haven't had sex in a few months, but they keep saying they want to do it and I feel like they are forcing me to say I want to do it too, even though they actually aren't. I just keep laughing weirdly or sending them ":3" emoticons when they say they are horny. I feel like I can't tell them that I'm not into it or that I don't want to have sex with them because I'm afraid they might feel rejected and break up with me. I love them dearly and I'm not sure what I would do without them in my life, since they are the only "real life" friend I have, other than being my partner. And there's another thing. Trigger warning for sexual assault. Spoiler We did those "yes, no, maybe" questionnaires and they said that one of their greatest fantasies is to "pleasure me when I'm half-asleep". Whenever they talk about sex I think about this. I wouldn't be able to give consent when I'm "half-asleep". When would they do it? Would they tell me the night before that tell would awake me up by touching me or would they simply start touching me whenever they felt like doing it? This makes me really uncomfortable when I'm around them. I'm afraid of sharing the bed because this sounds out-right like "rape" for me. I'm not really sure of what to do. I don't want to break up with them because of this, but I'm really afraid they might break up with me because I'm not into the things they are into. They say that their sexual desire fluctuates with time, so there are times they aren't into sex at all, but our relationship has becoming more and more sexual and I feel less and less safe. I consciously know they wouldn't rape me, but the mentioned fantasy always comes to me whenever they mention sex or anything remotely associated with it. Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 It does sound like the two of you have compatibility issues. But if you feel that you can't tell your partner how you feel, then that is an even bigger issue. You NEED to talk, or the whole relationship will head south until it hits the bottom. In the long run, you will feel much better if the two of you agree to split up because of incompatibility and stay friends, than if you try to pretend to be something you aren't, or if you deprive your partner of the sexual contact they might need in their life. The best way forward is to start communicating, and to keep communicating. Link to post Share on other sites
Puck Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 I agree fully with @roland.o, you two very much need to talk. You can't know what your partner is feeling and they can't know what you are. Sending a ":3" isn't very clear, it could mean you are into it or not. Having a nice sit down talk where you can express that you really aren't comfortable getting intimate right now is important, especially if they feel that getting intimate is something they need. A way you can do that is take them out to a restaurant or cook them a meal, then plan what you want to say and just start the conversation. That way, you feel like you expressed your needs and they can work to tell you theres. Also, for the half-asleep fantasy, there is a way to give consent for that (or not give). Talk about it. If you say in a previous conversation "you are allowed to do this at a future time," then they can take that as consent, even if it's at a later day that it happens. If you give them that consent but aren't feeling up to it that day, it would be wise to mention that you aren't up to it that particular night. And if you didn't think to say you aren't up for it, have a safe word that your partner knows always means "stop." That way, if you aren't up for it and they start doing things, they know you don't want it to happen and that they need to stop what they are doing. Good luck, I really hope that all helps Link to post Share on other sites
Puck Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Also, I'm going to go ahead and move this, upon more thought Moved from The Gray Area to Relationships Puck Moderator for The Gray Area, Sex and Related Discussions and The Sex Talk Link to post Share on other sites
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