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Alexandra Kale

Coming out reactions

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Alexandra Kale

I didn't know wher to write it so I hope it can be here. Anyway sometimes I think about coming out to my friends (at least some of them), but even when I try to make a good moment to do it (like I'm meeting them after school or something), it doesn't work. We are talking about normal topics like school, TV shows or anything else and I can't find a right moment to come out. Or when I feel like "That's it", there are lots of people around. I'm also kinda afraid of their reaction, when I know it wouldn't be that bad (like it's some stupid kind of anxiety).

 

So I wanted to ask how did you come out. What was the situation when you did it? (Like where were you? How did you brough it up? And that kind of stuff.) What was people' reaction when you did. Even those bad, because I want to know what can I get or think if my friends would possibly say it.

 

I hope that you'll answer and help me. It might be not much, but it would mean a lot for me

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The Unknown Warrior

Maybe you'll find it easier if you invite them over for a drink and let them know there's something you want to tell them. Whatever you find most comfortable really.

 

I talk to my friends online a lot so let them know when we were generally chatting. I told my family during a meal.

 

In terms of reactions I haven't really had a bad one yet other than the occasional person not believing I'm asexual. My dad for example thinks that because I'm gender fluid I feel asexual because I'm struggling with my identity. Coming out as gender fluid was far more difficult for me personally but I've only had good reactions to that. I'm very careful I don't tell the wrong person though and try to gauge how they'll react first.

 

If your friends truly care about you they will support you. If they don't then they're not worth knowing.

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Mirae

The first time I came up with the idea I was probably asexual, I just texted it to my parents, with a question mark : "I may be asexual ?" - but they didn't think so. My mom still thinks I haven't found "the good one" yet. 

 

A few months later, and after more active participation on Aven, I began to tell a friend I visited this site during a meal - she didn't flinch (yes, one I won over, one !). During an other meal with more friends, I also explained the meaning of Aven - they were very nice about it, advising me sites regarding asexuality. Each time I "came out", I never planned it - it just came out of my mouth very naturally, - as if I had a need to be perfectly honest about myself (??).

This is me, that's all - deal with it:D

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Tirisilex

I came out on facebook and got a lot of retaliation from my Mom. Everyone else was just like meh another day. My Mom tried to tell me that the topic was unacceptable to be told in public. 

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OpenAce

My LGBT+ friends actually figured it out before me so it was kinda like 'you're ace right?' and I just agreed. My other friends I told one by one, mostly over email casue that's how I talk to most of them frequently. I also sent/gave them a bunch of things about it (mostly screen shots from online sources explaining it and stuff). They were all really good about it...

A few people were a bit more ignorant 'oh, well, ok. You know I'm worried about putting yourself in a box'.

But I think the saying "those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter" is crucial to remember. It can be really hard when those people who don't get it are family or friends, but I guess try and surround yourself with supportive people.

Best of luck :) 

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MrDane

I am sexual, so perhaps you cant really use my thougths on this. I understand the need for the ace to stop hearing the constant nagging about when to get a partner and “get some”.  I dont see why you should come out to perifery/not that close friends. To closer friends, I wouldnt make a “comming out-party” but more like slip it in when youwere alone. “Look, i know you mean it well, when you say all that about getting a partner/having sex... but I need to say that I am not wired like most people. I really have no interest in sex. (And here you migth put focus about your thougths about intimacy/future family/touching/partners) and I dont think it will change under any circcumstances and I would like you to respect that since it can be a painful experience, when you, out of a good heart, tries to help me. I do not need help. I need understanding”

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Alexandra Kale

Thank all of you very much. Just to clarify: I've come out to my three closest friends and for now I don't feel like I need to tell anyone else. If someone will ask, sure, I'll tell them truth. But I don't feel like coming out to them is something I should definitely do, so I wont. At least for now.

 

So thank all of you for sharing your thoughts. I've already come out, but if someone will read this, please, share your story too. Like I said, I might not need it, but I'm pretty sure that there are people who do. People who are afraid of coming out just like we were. They should know that they can do it and that it will be alright 😊😊

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AndanteCantabile

My friends thought it was cute, my family members either freaked out, didn't care, or made fun of me, and my partner was supportive. I'm definitely not afraid to tell people, and I do if the topic comes up. 

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AndanteCantabile
10 hours ago, MrDane said:

I am sexual, so perhaps you cant really use my thougths on this. I understand the need for the ace to stop hearing the constant nagging about when to get a partner and “get some”.  I dont see why you should come out to perifery/not that close friends. To closer friends, I wouldnt make a “comming out-party” but more like slip it in when youwere alone. “Look, i know you mean it well, when you say all that about getting a partner/having sex... but I need to say that I am not wired like most people. I really have no interest in sex. (And here you migth put focus about your thougths about intimacy/future family/touching/partners) and I dont think it will change under any circcumstances and I would like you to respect that since it can be a painful experience, when you, out of a good heart, tries to help me. I do not need help. I need understanding”

Look, I don't mean to be salty, but the way you would come out isn't necessarily the way others would. There is no way one "should" come out. Then again, I never understood "gay pride" until I realized I was ace. Getting to that point where you're not ashamed of who you are anymore IS a cause for celebration, imo, but that's not intuitive for many, many cisgender-heterosexual people.

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Rhyme

My mum was kinda a part of my questioning phase, so I talked to her trying to figure things out for a long time before I just said "I think I'm asexual." She seemed a little hesitant to believe me, but I was unsure as well, so I guess it's fine. My mum told my dad (without my permission, thanks mum), which leads me to ...

 

My dad said some weird when my mum told him, which I just had to tell my friends. So yeah, my friend and I were out walking her dog, and I told her my dad's reaction to me being ace, and that was it. She barely responded (except laugh incredulously at what my dad had said.) I don't remember exactly when I came out to my other friends, but it was probably during a rant about Hollywood's focus on sex.

 

I don't really come out to people unless I'm close to them. I just moved to start university, and I've told exactly no one here that I'm ace/aro. I've said that I don't know shit about sex/have no experience when it comes up in conversation, and left it at that. I'm not completely sure why I feel reluctant to tell people I'm ace/aro, but maybe it's because I don't want them to have certain misconceptions about be before we've really gotten to know each other. Plus, my friends back home would talk about queer issues all the time, which doesn't happen with my friends at university. 

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GreatAmadeus19

I just bluntly said that I was asexual over my family's group chat this past summer, and my dad seems to be cool about it but everyone else just.. kinda ignored it. My aunt even said something like "yea we get it" very passively. Everyone in my family says "oh you'll change your mind", "I was that way when I was your age" whenever the topic of childbirth and kids come up. Like no, I am asexual, I am very repulsed by the idea of sex and having children. I just don't have the attraction!! It's never gonna happen. At least my dad was questioning me in a curious way so yay. But, still.

 

At my university, I have an incredible group of friends, 3 of which are also asexual or gray-a, which was a total coincidence but I am so happy I found them. It wasn't difficult to tell them at all, I kinda just went to them and said "hey so I think I might be ace?" and this was back in February. Super accepting, pointing me towards resources, great stuff--I love them. This also happened when I told them about my genderfluidity, but I haven't brought that up to my family yet. Judging by their problematic responses to my asexuality, I have no idea how it's going to go. I wanted to tell them during Thanksgiving a few days ago because we had some extended family over, but I'll probably wait until Christmas, or until somebody asks. 

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Briars

I came out to my parents in person, we were driving in the car together and I just kinda bit the bullet and came right out and said it (to those who know me this wouldn't be all that surprising as I can be quite blunt sometimes and I dislike dancing around things with words). They took it as well as can be expected, I think that they still think that I just need to meet the right person but they're accepting of the fact that I am looking for a relationship without sex necessarily being involved which is really what the end goal was for me with that conversation anyways. It definitely was nerve wracking but in my mind there was no other way to do it for them (they made it quite clear in the past that they expect important news to be said in person rather than by text or phone). 

 

That being said, I did the less socially acceptable way of coming out to my close friends of calling/texting them rather than telling them in person. We don't live in the same city anymore and I just didn't want to wait anymore to tell them once I finally figured it out (I didn't talk to anyone about it until then) and a good moment when we did hang out just never seemed to come up since we tend to jam pack the time we do spend together. They were fine about it (they know me well enough by now not to be offended that I didn't do it in person) and the response was more or less "ok we are glad you told us but it doesn't change anything about our relationship" which was great. I wasn't worried about their reactions to the news so much as I was worried about them not liking the way that I told them but in the end it worked out to be fine and I feel less stressed for having told them and I don't regret it at all. 

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MrDane
On 26/11/2017 at 8:24 PM, AndanteCantabile said:

Look, I don't mean to be salty, but the way you would come out isn't necessarily the way others would. There is no way one "should" come out. Then again, I never understood "gay pride" until I realized I was ace. Getting to that point where you're not ashamed of who you are anymore IS a cause for celebration, imo, but that's not intuitive for many, many cisgender-heterosexual people.

Perhaps! But I will still advocate for ‘keeping it private’ but not secret. Stand by who you are, and your sexuality is important. If your  circumstances or surroundings make it hard to be you, then perhaps a revolution is necessary. But I hope, that if I had a friend who told me he was gay, I would respond with an “oh! Ok, thanks for sharing. Do you want to tell me more!” 

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Nyoom

I was told that I was too young, that I needed to have sex to 'figure it out' on multiple occasions and was called a lesbian(?) once too. Some people (LGBTQ+, AVEN, Allies usually) were very supportive.

Personally I don't feel like there's much of a need to tell someone unless you're in a relationship with them. I mean, it's who you are. You don't have straight people coming out to everyone around them. If you are choosing to tell someone else, keep in mind that they'll be surprised. Be prepared to explain (and fail at times).

No matter what their reactions, it's something that is part of you that others cannot change. Be proud for who you are :)

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lost but content

This is a very good question and one that's been on my mind a lot.  I wish I knew the answer.

 

I'm scared of coming out for a few reasons.

- it means I finally accept the label of asexuality, and I'm scared of labels.

- I don't know enough about the subject to defend it.  It is a real thing, but when even my doctor is concerned about my lack of libido, it doesn't feel real.  If that makes sense.

- it might make things awkward with friends.  

- it's scary.

 

But a few people know by accident.  

 

It was actually a parent that read the BBC articles on asexuality and told me about them.  Basically, "is this you?" kind of conversation.  Answer "probably."

 

The other person who knows came over unexpectedly for dinner one night.  The Invisible Orientation by Julie Sondra Decker was in with my other library books and while I was getting the wine she was looking through the pile of books (we do that, it's like a friendly ritual).  I totally forgot the book was there or I would have hidden it, but when she found it, it was very interesting to her, so we got to talking about it.  I told her I was wondering if this is me, and she was completely casual about it.  Like I was wondering if I should start wearing different colour socks.  That was the best thing she could have been.  

 

As for others, I have some friends that try to find me a mate.  When I sat them down and told them I don't want to pair up with anyone right now, I think they assumed I'm gay.  Because, in their mind, you either like boys or girls or both... 'none of the above' isn't a real thing to them.  I haven't a clue how to tell them.  

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Outrunner

My coming out was a mixed bag and a little...weird. When I figured it out myself the first person I told was my ex-wife. I kinda felt I had to since lack of sex was one of the reasons we split up. She was totally cool with it, said it made a lot of sense. We're still friends.

My immediate family were also OK with it, I'm not sure my dad necessarily understands but his view is as long as I'm happy and healthy that's all that matters. I haven't told my extended family, mostly because I rarely see them.

 

Now this is the weird one. I told my close friends (5 people in all) and they all seemed perfectly accepting of it at first. I had one "are you sure?" and a few questions from another friend that I was happy to answer. And that was that. Except it wasn't. Months later whenever my asexuality came up (usually in relation to dating) I have:

One friend who still refers to me as straight

One who thinks I might be gay and how can I be sure because I haven't tried it

One friend who tried to analyse me and past relationships because having sex and having chemistry aren't the same thing and maybe if I found the right person I'd enjoy it. Frankly it's insulting and quite invasive.

 

Of the five I only have one who accepts it unconditionally. It's frustrating because I was expecting and braced myself for this at the beginning but for it to surface afterwards and still be a bone of contention a year or so later seems odd. It's also frustrating because in every other way they are good friends and open minded. Except about this for some reason. I just shy away from discussions about dating now because I know it will lead into questioning my sexuality or lack thereof.  

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Hermit Advocate

I came out to my friend over pancakes. Her reaction was pretty much "okay," and then we went on to talk about other stuff. 

 

For my mom, she read some poetry I had written in which I talk about my asexuality. She and I have never actually had a conversation about my orientation, but I think that's mostly because it doesn't matter what my orientation is in her mind. 

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Lanti SF

The first time in undergrad: 

Friend 1: Wait what's asexual?

Friend 2: That means she doesn't like sex

Friend 1: Okay

Friend 3: Oh cool, you're the complete opposite of me! (Friend 3 is pansexual)

 

With a high school friend that I hadn't seen for a while (over messenger):

Friend: I KNEW IT!!! My ex-girlfriend was asexual.

 

At my last job: (various coworkers) 

"Cool, my friend is asexual too!"

"Wait but you have a boyfriend? How do you like nobody but like somebody at the same time?"

"We know, because that's all you talk about besides the bakery/ you already announced it on your locker"

[adds me on Tumblr and tags me in a bunch of ace memes]

[pulls me into corner to say that he's demi]

 

My current roommate: 

"My friend is ace and I think I'm aro"

 

Haven't told my family, but I'm totally out on Twitter.

 

 

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Kersenne

I came out to some of my friends one at the time, as it was easier this way for me. I usually found a moment where it was only the two of us, and when the converstation seemed right, I'd tell them I'm ace. 

With one friend, for instance, she asked me if I had a boyfriend, and so I told her I was ace. 

Another friend kept complaining that she missed having sex, and when said I must feel the same because I was also celibate, I just told her.

Another friend kept joking about how he fancied me, and I told me my kind of guy would never want to have sex, because I don't want to have sex.

Another friend had told me something quite deep about herself, and so I felt the moment was right to share something deep about myself (that I'm ace). 

 

Some people have accepted it pretty easily, others didn't understand, but explained the rigth way, most people were cool with it. Also, now that I've accepted my asexuality, I find it a lot easier to talk about than before. I'm still scared to share it with some friends, because I fear their reactions/jokes/comments and such, but on the overall, I found people were quite accepting. I'm pretty certain it can be the same for you :) I found it easier to tell my friends when I was alone with them, so perhaps this could help yo too? 

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Twig55

I have told several people now, and most people are pretty cool. I can only think of 2 negative reactions but I am pretty sure that was more down to how I explained it. As Kersanne said, you have to explain it the right way to some people - I definitely did not do that. Now I am too embarrassed to broach the subject again, but so are they, so it's all good 😁

 

The most recent person I told was by accident when I was very very drunk a couple of weeks ago. She asked me whether I had a girl/boyfriend so I told her I was asexual and then immediately swore her to secrecy because she is a colleague and I realised the whole office could find out. Eek! She basically said "oh, that's a new one," asked what it meant and then told me it made sense. Job done ☺

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