Advice for a very confused/conflicted deer?

[deerhorns]

 

I’m not sure where to post this, since it’s a bit about my sexuality and a bit about relationships so please excuse me if I put this in the wrong section! (also, help and guide me to the correct place, senpai)

 

Anyway, I just got out of a relationship that was about a year and 9 months long. It did not end mutually whatsoever. I wanted to keep them, they didn’t want that anymore. Now, I’m dealing with a lot of emotions I don’t know how to sort and it’s becoming increasingly bad for my health in various ways (mentally, emotionally, and physically). I always thought myself an asexual until I met this person and then I started to come around to the idea of being demi, which I do think fits but I have some random thoughts:

 

·         We never met in person, we had a strictly online relationship except for a couple phone calls. However, we did sext. I would be into it a lot of the time but, like I would also become very exhausted/withdrawn afterward. Sometimes I would question our relationship and tell them I didn’t feel okay with it.

·         This was my first relationship and I put a lot into it. Is it okay that I’m having a really hard time getting over it? Like, I had to delete every source of contact I had so I wouldn’t obsessively check and try to talk to them.

·         I miss the closeness/friendship way more than the “physical”. Having someone to talk to each day, connect with, who didn’t base everything on appearance and stimulated me on a mental level. I miss having my person that I chose to let into my life, be part of my life and is that something demi/asexual people have to deal with?

·         I’m often scared I’m not capable of ever having this connection again in my life, but I’m also terrified of having someone physically in my life, too. I tried dating sites, but it made me feel cheap/dirty/gross when people came at me with flattery – don’t tell me I’m pretty, ask me about the meaning of life.

·         I’m 99% more comfortable having this cyber relationship, we talk online, don’t meet one another and don’t touch. Is that weird? Am I like, some alien because I would be happy living my life this way?

 

I don’t know, guys. I’m really confused on my sexuality and why I have such a major dislike of being with someone on a face-to-face relationship level. I have wonderful friends and family around me, but it was different with the ex. I just need some advice, can anyone help?

[LadyWallflower]

First of all, I don't think I'm a good person to give advice. But I will do my best.

 

Second, I don't think there is anything wrong with liking online relationships. There is more to relationship that physicality. You shouldn't think of yourself as weird or wrong because of that.

 

Did you break up with them recently? If it was recent, you are still feeling the pain and hurt and may not be thinking logically. Now is not the time to become existential and start doubting yourself, the way you are, and your sexuality. It will take time to get over them, but give yourself time, and your anguish will fade. If they no longer want to be in a relationship with you, then you are better off moving on. It will hard at first, but you can do it. More than anything, you deserve time to make yourself happy. Then, after you no longer feel pain over the breakup, you can consider you sexuality and how you would prefer to date in the future.

 

I hope you will feel better soon! *hugs*

[Astryda]

I agree with LadyWallflower, there's not much more to say. Be gentle to yourself till those feelings fade away, focus on things that bring you joy.

[roland.o]

Hello deerhorns, welcome to the AVEN forums. Have some cake...  :-)

 

11 hours ago, deerhorns said:

Is it okay that I’m having a really hard time getting over it?

Yes. And it would also be OK if this was your third or eighth relationship.

 

11 hours ago, deerhorns said:

I miss having my person that I chose to let into my life, be part of my life and is that something demi/asexual people have to deal with?

That's something most people have to deal with, sexuals as well.

 

Take some time to mourn what is lost, the look up and move forward. All the best to you!