Thinking I maybe might possibly be genderflux??

[StarMap]

So I literally just discovered the term genderflux today and have been reading up on it, and now I'm thinking that there's a possibility that I could be. I'm really just trying to sort out my thoughts right now. For the most part I'm happy identifying as female and always have been. But there are occasions where I feel less female, sometimes to the point where I wonder if I would prefer they/them pronouns. I always thought these feelings were as a result of me just thinking about possibilities. But now I'm not so sure. Especially since I'm realizing that these feelings have popped up my whole life and always made me very confused. I'm also realizing now that as someone who is into cosplay, I've found it liberating to dress as characters with ambiguous gender expression that leans a bit more into feminine, which could explain a lot. I also know I couldn't be genderfluid since I've never felt like I truly identified with any other gender, especially male.

But that aside, I don't know if this is just happening because my feelings toward my gender expression change every day. Sometimes I just really want to wear dresses and cute stuff and am most comfortable presenting myself in them. Other days the idea of wearing a dress is so off putting to me that it's almost scary. Once I wore one on one of these days and felt so uncomfortable that I started crying and had to go change. Now I do understand that clothes have no gender and preferring to wear more neutral clothing on a given day doesn't necessarily make me any less of a woman. But the feelings I have about them are so strong and connect so much to my own inner identity that I do wonder. They vary day to day as well, similar to a fluctuating gender.

Basically right now I'm just wondering if I really am genderflux or am just very particular about gender expression. If anyone wants to provide wisdom/general feedback that would be awesome.

[Finn.]

Welcome to aven, @StarMap! 

 

1 hour ago, StarMap said:

Other days the idea of wearing a dress is so off putting to me that it's almost scary. Once I wore one on one of these days and felt so uncomfortable that I started crying and had to go change. (...) But the feelings I have about them are so strong and connect so much to my own inner identity that I do wonder. They vary day to day as well, similar to a fluctuating gender.

I think what you're describing is most likely dysphoria? As in, dysphoria about your gender presentation/expression. For a lot of people dysphoria changes and fluctuates just as you describe it. It doesn't have to correlate with your gender changing and fluctuating, but it can. Obviously, cis people have varying feelings about their presentation and gender too, but your experience seems to be very intense. So yeah, it might very well be dysphoria and you being nonbinary/genderflux.

 

My gender, when I am transmasc, fluctuates too. It doesn't directly translate into more or less dysphoria. But sometimes it seem very closely related. I've had such moments that you're describing. It's often connected to body dysphoria, but also about gender expression. But it has gotten much better now that my wardrobe fits better with who I am. So you could try and add more neutral/andogrynous clothes to your wardrobe?

[StarMap]

@Finn. Thank you for replying!! Very helpful.  I'm going to take time to figure this all out and  I'll probably try to get some more neutral ish clothes and see how it feels 

[Angelnoir]

13 hours ago, StarMap said:

 But there are occasions where I feel less female, sometimes to the point where I wonder if I would prefer they/them pronouns. 

What do you exactly mean when you say that you feel less female? And how do you feel less female? And what does "feeling" and "being female" mean to you and maybe what do you think it means to society. Maybe thinking about this will sort it out.

[StarMap]

@Angelnoir thank you. I think that’ll be helpful since I haven’t really thought that through yet