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Am I only ace because of my dysphoria? Internalized mysogyny?


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I've identified as ace for three years now, with a break in the middle where I just didn't identify. I've been going with grey-ace in particular and I do still feel like that fits me decently. However, I have come to some realizations that are making me question myself constantly. This is due in part to the only sexual attraction I have ever felt in my life, which was short lived and kind of bizarre and mostly annoying as I couldn't stop thinking about it at the time. This was about two years ago now. Some new revelations have led me to think of romantic/sexual/sensual attraction and how I relate to them, and I'm quite confused now.

To start with I have only asethetic/platonic attraction to female/feminine type peoples. I sometimes have asthetic/platonic/sensual Attraction to male type peoples, and on the one occasion sexual attraction. Every other encounter I have had with male or female partners has left me utterly bored, confused, and wishing I had chosen to do nearly anything more engaging and interesting. When I imagine scenarios however, I can see myself having sexual attraction, but only if my partner is male agained in some way, either male or nb, and I have transitioned through top surgery and hormones. Ive been doing a lot more visualization on that subject, and the more I think about it the more strongly I want to transition, and the more likely it seems that I could indeed develop a romantic/sexual relationship. That being said, it's entirely possible that the whole thing could still be dead boring, it's something I can't know till I come to it, if I come to it at all.

I also worry sometimes that my desire to transition is some kind of unconscious internalized mysogyny. I don't think it is, but I worry. Being agender especially. Cause when I imagine just waking up one day and being in my ideal body, I'd still be agender, I'd just be hella thrilled to have found myself in an avatar that I really like instead of the one I have now. I have zero interest in femininity, either in myself or others. I don't see it as a bad thing though? It's just not my thing?? 

I'm just confused and tired of these questions eatting up so much of my brain power. It's been making my anxiety sky rocket and my attention span plumet. 

 

Edit: Also, my fave human on the face of the earth told me the other day that she'd run away with me and live a platonic life of adventure and fun if it weren't for her dude, and I'd be so happy if that happened. So, I mean strong human connection and a desire to have life experiences together def beats sex in my book. But both might be cool too. And there's my conundrum. I just want final answers and I'm starting to think those don't exist.

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