Gynecologist surprised because I had not have sex

[Robin Mok]

It was before college graduation, I decided to make the last use of my expensive student insurance and visited a gynecologist, because, why not..

 

When she asked if I had have sex, I said no, she then asked again: "Never?" I said "Never." 

 

She was surprised. 

 

Then we moved to the exam room. The exam was adjourned quickly, because I was afraid, I could not let in the speculum. She said previous sex experiences help with the exam, and I could start using tampons. 

 

I failed using tampons. I also continued to not have any sex, or any relationships. Casual sex is too high-level for me, taking someone home is unthinkable. At some point I realized I am aromantic, so unsure when I will be having any sex at all since I can't do it through a relationship or one-night stand. 

 

anyway, wonder if anyone had this sort of experience before. 

[Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet]

I've had a  similar  experience when I was in my late teens.

It wasn't the best experience  let's just say...I never went back to that gynecologist again.

I have a new gynecologist who is more understanding.

[Grumpy Alien]

I saw a few different gynecologists in my late teens and early 20s when I was a virgin and they didn't bat an eyelash. They may have been surprised, I don't know. But they didn't show it.

If it helps though, exams and tampons are different from sex. I'm sexually active and can't use tampons and exams are very painful for me.

[HonoraryJedi]

I would not put too much thought into people being surprised. It happens. As long as they are respectful after finding out I would not hold initial reaction against them. If you don't want to put anything up there, so to say, to the point that there is an actual problem, then that is something you might want to speak to a gynecologist about. And so we are back where we started

 

As for sex, I suppose that leaves friends with benefits? In case that sounds better, I don't know.

[Guest]

My gynecologist also wasn't understanding, and failed to mention that I had vaginismus (maybe this could be what is going on with you, too? Don't worry if it is, it's nearly 100% curable). I didn't go back to her. My primary care physician is super understanding and requested that I be given Xanax when I went to see another gynecologist she referred me to. It's important to be going to people you trust for things like this.

[Galactic Turtle]

The second they introduced tampons to my class in 4th grade I knew I'd never use one. I've never gone to a gyno and I'm 24. Never masturbated. That area of my body will be unused real estate until I die as far as my current agenda is concerned.

[everywhere and nowhere]

I could never subject myself to that kind of examination. For me this is terrifying to the extreme, way stronger than sex aversion. I literally feel like this level of distress would kill me on the spot.

However, once I had a basic examination by a specialist in occupational medicine (age: 34). I do computer work anyway (translation), so she mostly focused on testing my eyesight (I'm quite short-sighted, but not to the point of having any problems using the computer! I just can't, for example, see the bus number when it's far away) and she also asked about my general health. She asked if I have children, I answered that no, and on top of that I'm a virgin. She was surprised, but politely, in the vein of "Now that is untypical". Great. I never wanted to be typical anyway.

[Lord Jade Cross]

.

[anlin]

Oh yes. I've been to the gynecologist once and I'm quite sure I will never see one again. It was a traumatic experience. In Sweden every woman over the age of 23 automatically get an appointment for a test (I'm not sure of the terminology here but I'll try to explain) to see if there are any changes in the cells that could indicate cervical cancer, and I only went because my mother had seen the letter when she visited and kind of made me go... It was terrible, but the gynecologist was very nice. I was crying by the time I had to undress and I was shaking in that terrible chair and couldn't relax enough for her to use the instruments. She asked if I had had sex, I said no, and then she said we didn't have to go through with the examination. "The first time shouldn't be with a plastic instrument" was her comment. Then she asked if I had someone I could talk to and if something else was going on in my life that made me feel this way. 

 

If I understand things correctly you can't even get cervical cancer if you haven't had sex, and I really hope that it's true because I don't intend to ever go back to one of those examinations! I got the vaccine though... because getting a few shots in the arm isn't nearly as bad as a gynecological examination!! 

 

This happened a few years before I realized I was asexual which also means a few years before I know that it existed, which I think made it all worse. I think this is one of the times I have felt the most like there is something wrong with me. I cried the whole afternoon when I came home.

 

56 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I could never subject myself to that kind of examination. For me this is terrifying to the extreme, way stronger than sex aversion. I literally feel like this level of distress would kill me on the spot.

Nowhere Girl, I completely understand you, I felt like I died a bit right there.

 

It's interesting what you all write about tampons. I never thought about it in relation to my asexuality before, but now it becomes quite clear. I tried a couple of times but I felt very uncomfortable. The same goes for masturbation, that's a big no-no for me too. The same goes for menstrual cup (don't know if that's the right word, but you might still understand what I mean), which I think is kind of sad since it is so much better for the environment than any other form of sanitary pads/tampons that are available today.

[kelico]

I'll never forget how my gynecologist asked me about sex when I first saw him.  "Have you ever had sex with boys?" Yes, that's how he worded it lol!! (I guess he asked about girls, too, but I don't remember.) My response was, "Ew, no. I've never even kissed anyone before!" Lol. And that statement still remains true today. I had to start seeing one because of my terribly painful and heavy periods...and it turned out I had a cyst on my ovary. So yeah. 

 

However, I've used tampons since my first period (cause my mom uses them, so it's what I use), so that wasn't an issue with me. But for those that aren't used to them, then yes, it's definitely a difficult experience!! And you're not alone. 

 

Try not to let their surprise get to you, though. And you absolutely don't need to change yourself to do things you don't want to just for a gyno exam to go more smoothly. *hugs if you don't mind*

[The Gnat (Natalie)]

I've had a related experience. A year or two back I was on a short-term medication that causes severe birth defects, and I couldn't find a doctor that would prescribe it to me until I went on birth control. I tried to explain over and over again that there was no way I was going to have sex while I was on this medicine, and no one would believe me. It was so frustrating.

[Florenna]

21 hours ago, Jade Cross said:

Im afraid both gynecologist and urologists treat most patients the same way whenever the dreaded "how long has it been since you had sex" questions comes up. Even other med field personnel raise an eyebrow in suspicion the moment a patient says they have never had sex (worked in the field for a bit so Ive seen many of these cases)

I'm afraid it's much more than just an eyebrow of suspicion, and doesn't need to be that you've never had sex, just *not recently* is enough to raise their suspicions... As the automatic assumption by all medical personnel, in my experience, is that everyone has sex regularly. I've been pushed with so much contraception I care to remember by them, and no use saying I'm not with anyone now, or the like, they will still push it. And they consider one a sad case indeed if they find out that you're not having sex regularly, but since that's not really their business IMO, I keep things like that to myself now. 

[Hermit Advocate]

Tampons are just uncomfortable for me. I know that sex apparently makes gyno visits easier, but that's not enough of a reason for me to start having sex. Luckily I have never gotten any questioning or berating when I tell my gyno I've never had sex. 

[Mezzo Forte]

I've only truly had gynecological exams with trans specialists, so they didn't seem that shocked when I answered their questions. They sometimes ask if I've ever so much as "tried sticking a tampon" up there for some reference.

 

My primary doctor who handles my transition sometimes asks me if I'm sexually active, but we don't linger on the topic after I say that I'm not, but that's more of a general health thing. My hysto surgeon only asks about stuff as it pertains to that opening.

 

Actually, part of why I'm getting a hysterectomy is because there's no way to safely monitor my gynecological health:

Spoiler

They couldn't even get a pediatric speculum to work, and I would get way too dysphoric if I had to try to stretch that opening. Even the attempts at a pap are hella dysphoric for me, as I don't know how to process experiencing sensation in a part of my body that my brain doesn't believe exists.

 

[m4rble]

I visited the Gynecologist, and luckily she didn't have trouble believing I wasn't sexually active. She said I didn't need a pap smear if I wasn't sexually active, which makes me a happy camper. Just because I have a hole there doesn't mean I want stuff stuck up it.

39 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I've only truly had gynecological exams with trans specialists, so they didn't seem that shocked when I answered their questions.

That's good that a trans specialist would be understanding, but i wonder why someone would need to be a trans specialist to not be shocked. 

[borkfork]

I find the people at Planned Parenthood are usually nicer and more understanding. When I said I hadn't had sex in years I got some neutral comment like "oh yeah, a lot of people are waiting these days" and moved on. Of course, I also live in area where they're never more than 30 miles away. I've only had one bad experience with an incredibly ignorant private practice doctor. She insisted that if she could fit two fingers in me then I was lying to her about never having had sex. I wasn't.

 

The first time I saw an OBGYN was 6 or 7 years before the first time I had sex. It was uncomfortable but not painful. I've never liked tampons because it feels like having a cork inside my body.

 

HPV is not responsible for all types of cancer in the reproductive area, however, so not having sex doesn't make one 100% immune. Things like cervical tumors can happen to anyone (with a cervix). A well woman exam is far more than a Pap smear. I've noticed PCOS is really common among women my age. It's alarming.

[m4rble]

20 minutes ago, borkfork said:

She insisted that if she could fit two fingers in me then I was lying to her about never having had sex.

It sounds like one of those ridiculous things they say about virgins in sexually conservative areas. 

[Mezzo Forte]

18 minutes ago, m4rble said:

That's good that a trans specialist would be understanding, but i wonder why someone would need to be a trans specialist to not be shocked. 

I think there's less of an expectation to have penetrative sex if they assume that you're dysphoric about that part of the body. That can create "asexual and/or abstinent because of dysphoria" implications, but that still makes the lack of sex easier for some people to digest.

 

My doc didn't really react much when I mentioned my asexuality right around when I first started working with her, but continued to give me the same sex-related information that she gives everyone seeking testosterone therapy because she felt it was important to know even if you're not actively seeking sex, especially the whole "testosterone is not birth control" thing.