WhatEverDontCare Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 3 hours ago, Astryda said: No, because libido and sexual attraction are two different things. @Astryda Honestly I was confused by that too. I'm not in any way trying to tell you how you should define yourself, or anything like that. I'm just confused and trying to understand. I hope it's not a problem, and if it is, please let me know and I will stop immediately making questions. So you are saying that you have a high libido and that you are not attracted sexually to anyone, but you still find sex pleasurable because it's like masturbation for you? It makes sense to think that if a person likes masturbating then, and if she/he is VERY comfortable with their partner, then it could kinda feel like the same thing as masturbation? But it still confuses me, because I'm not sure I see much of a difference with a sexual relationship then. Is the difference that you wouldn't initiate the sex and that you just do it to make your partner happy ? You don't have any desire for it, but then when he starts touching you, it feels good phisically? Please don't feel forced to answer any of these questions if you don't feel comfortable with it, and again I want to say that my intention is not to define yourself, I'm just curious and trying to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
MiraMeyneth Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 I guess, to answer the OP's question, absolutely nothing near my lower half. The farthest I could go (and this is pushing it) is something like a handjob. Nothing more. If I was required to have sex to save a relationship, I'd leave it. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 10 hours ago, chandrakirti said: If the only thing that could save a relationship is sex, then I'm out at the first hurdle! ...or to put it differently: if the only thing, that could destroy an otherwise perfect relationship, was lack of sex, then so be it! Link to post Share on other sites
Astryda Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 21 minutes ago, WhatEverDontCare said: @Astryda Honestly I was confused by that too. I'm not in any way trying to tell you how you should define yourself, or anything like that. I'm just confused and trying to understand. I hope it's not a problem, and if it is, please let me know and I will stop immediately making questions. So you are saying that you have a high libido and that you are not attracted sexually to anyone, but you still find sex pleasurable because it's like masturbation for you? It makes sense to think that if a person likes masturbating then, and if she/he is VERY comfortable with their partner, then it could kinda feel like the same thing as masturbation? But it still confuses me, because I'm not sure I see much of a difference with a sexual relationship then. Is the difference that you wouldn't initiate the sex and that you just do it to make your partner happy ? You don't have any desire for it, but then when he starts touching you, it feels good phisically? Please don't feel forced to answer any of these questions if you don't feel comfortable with it, and again I want to say that my intention is not to define yourself, I'm just curious and trying to understand. Haha, we've just had a similar discussion in This thread and I think people there (not just me) explained these stuff pretty eloquently there, perhaps you might like to take a look then, especially on the 1st page of that thread. As for your question, sexual attraction involves the desire in sexual activity with another person, while libido is just there at any time even if you are not attracted to anyone at that time. Since I don't experience sexual attraction I'm asexual. I do have libido and I do need to release that tension sometimes so I can either do it myself or by having sex with my partner. I don't have a desire to do it with him, but since he is sexual and actually has desire to have sex, and I'm not sexually repulsed, I can do it with him instead of doing it by myself. To me the result is the same which is releasing the tension from libido (which is kind of a 'technical' thing; someone here even said it's like cleaning the pipes, lol). As for affection, hugs etc. I can enjoy them at any time and they don't cause any sexual feelings in me- they feel the same during sex as they feel at any other time, like during watching movies together. On the other hand, if he wanted longer or more frequent sexual encounters with me then that would be a problem. And I'm not offended, no worries Link to post Share on other sites
WhatEverDontCare Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 @Astryda Thanks for the explanation! Link to post Share on other sites
Astryda Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 1 minute ago, WhatEverDontCare said: @Astryda Thanks for the explanation! No problem, hope it shed some light on the topic. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 On 12.11.2017 at 8:58 PM, WhatEverDontCare said: @Astryda Honestly I was confused by that too. I'm not in any way trying to tell you how you should define yourself, or anything like that. I'm just confused and trying to understand. I hope it's not a problem, and if it is, please let me know and I will stop immediately making questions. So you are saying that you have a high libido and that you are not attracted sexually to anyone, but you still find sex pleasurable because it's like masturbation for you? It makes sense to think that if a person likes masturbating then, and if she/he is VERY comfortable with their partner, then it could kinda feel like the same thing as masturbation? But it still confuses me, because I'm not sure I see much of a difference with a sexual relationship then. Is the difference that you wouldn't initiate the sex and that you just do it to make your partner happy ? You don't have any desire for it, but then when he starts touching you, it feels good phisically? Please don't feel forced to answer any of these questions if you don't feel comfortable with it, and again I want to say that my intention is not to define yourself, I'm just curious and trying to understand. Even more: it's completely possible to have a libido and be sex-averse at the same time. Sexuality is such a complicated thing that I begin feeling surprised that there are people for whom all these aspects match up. Link to post Share on other sites
Kersenne Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 I'm not certain that forcing yourself to have sex to save a relationship could work. If it has come to such a point in the relationship and sex is the issue, and you're asexual and don't want to have sex, then it's not by having sex that the issue will be solved - perhaps it will make your partner happy but you'll be unhappy. (I'm using "you" in a generic way, not meaning anyone in particular^^) I think I'd try talking first to save the relationship, as I can't see how sex would help^^ But I would be ready to compromise at the beginning of the relationship, to make both parties happy. And if the relationship goes sour after months/years, then I wouldn't use sex to solve the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
AussieIsAce Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 id use my hands to get someone off but if anyone tries to remove my clothes or even touch me over my clothes id be gone before they even realised i let go. i might suck a dick if there was a condom on it but still not something id be thrilled about. id do it as a one off just to understand what dick sucking people go through but i wouldnt enjoy it thats for sure. i mean why would i be having sex? 1. i aint having sex cause i love someone....ill love you with all my heart not all my pussy 2. i aint sucking someones dick for my enjoyment....ill watch tv for that 3. i aint getting fucked for anyone....i live for me bitch 4. im ace and dont need sex.....ill go do fun shit that doesnt involve body juices Link to post Share on other sites
InariYana Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 I'm sex-indifferent but anything more than once a week is... "ehhh really? just NO" and I slowly start to resent the person. I could settle for once a month and some handjobs in-between, but also - not too often. I could watch my partner masturbate occasionally or let them watch me. The more sex in my life, the more my attitude drifts towards repulsion. Having sex every day or every other day sounds just awful to me. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyFie Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 44 minutes ago, InariYana said: I could settle for once a month and some handjobs in-between, but also - not too often. I could watch my partner masturbate occasionally or let them watch me. The more sex in my life, the more my attitude drifts towards repulsion. This, but without actual PIV sex (I don't do that). Link to post Share on other sites
Laplace Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 I’m not really interested in romance or sex; though, I’m more apathetic than straight up repulsed. If I ever got into a relationship by some crazy twist of fate, I don’t think 🧐 I would mind doing some sexual stuff as long as it didn’t get super weird. If someone wants a kinky guy, they’re gonna have to look somewhere else 😅. But, I don’t have any dating or sexual experience whatsoever so I can’t give a definitive answer about my limits 🤔. Not that it matters cause the world would implode due to a paradox if I somehow bumbled into a relationship in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 Eye contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Silk Bones Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 In extreme cases I've had to do it to save/help the relationship I was in at the time, but that was in the past. These days, I would never do it, no matter the level of tolerance or form of compromise. The furthest I'd go is pat the persons back and call them pal. Other than that: Spoiler Link to post Share on other sites
StormySky Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 40 minutes ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said: Eye contact. Same!! Especially the "my eyebrows go up and down, isn't it hot " thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 1 minute ago, StormySky said: Same!! Especially the "my eyebrows go up and down, isn't it hot " thing. Hahaha. I'm imagining that and it just looks doofy. Link to post Share on other sites
Warsaw Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 After a glacially slow (no woman has actually truly ever made it past this stage) courtship process, I would be comfortable with performing cunnilingus, and/or coitus weekly. I would be concerned for my partner because the exchange would be very one sided, and might effect their self esteem with my lack of reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
AussieIsAce Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 i think if youre ace and your partner wants to have sex and you just go along with it just for them that makes me question there true asexualness because how can someone pretend they are enjoying it all the time. that seems like a horrible thing to do to ones self. i feel bad for all the ace people who do that to themselves. there fear of being alone must really be hard to handle. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 Asexuality =/= dislikes or hates sex Link to post Share on other sites
lux aeterna Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 48 minutes ago, miettaisace said: i think if youre ace and your partner wants to have sex and you just go along with it just for them that makes me question there true asexualness because how can someone pretend they are enjoying it all the time. that seems like a horrible thing to do to ones self. i feel bad for all the ace people who do that to themselves. there fear of being alone must really be hard to handle. At some point it becomes sort of an out of body experience. I did it for three years. As you say, my fear of being alone was just so huge that I just found a way to cope with it. I prepared myself mentally for it, I knew when it was time for it again, during it I just made noises and thought of something to distract myself (groceries for example) and here and there I faked an orgasm. I always knew it was wrong, but I did not want to end it. Luckily he ended it because of different reasons, now I am single for over two years and I would never do it again. I just got comfy with myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Warsaw Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 I'm not repulsed, just very indifferent. I would consider any sexual activities to be a gift to my partner and I would enjoy the fact that she enjoys it. The act itself I could take or leave at any time, it doesn't matter to me. I would have literally one mission, to make my girlfriend/wife happy. Happy wife=happy life. Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowstepper Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 2 hours ago, miettaisace said: i think if youre ace and your partner wants to have sex and you just go along with it just for them that makes me question there true asexualness because how can someone pretend they are enjoying it all the time. that seems like a horrible thing to do to ones self. i feel bad for all the ace people who do that to themselves. there fear of being alone must really be hard to handle. That is assuming an asexual is supposed to hate the feeling of sex, or is supposed to be repulsed by sex. Neither of these are true statements. Enjoying physical sensation has no impact on being sexually attracted to a person or not. I like the feeling of being in the ocean, that doesn't mean I am sexually attracted to the ocean. And I can't swim. Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowstepper Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 47 minutes ago, GenuinetheDude said: I'm not repulsed, just very indifferent. I would consider any sexual activities to be a gift to my partner and I would enjoy the fact that she enjoys it. The act itself I could take or leave at any time, it doesn't matter to me. I would have literally one mission, to make my girlfriend/wife happy. Happy wife=happy life. This is my take on it as well. I have no aversion to sex and I'm particularly open to whatever my partner decides she enjoys. Link to post Share on other sites
AussieIsAce Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 4 hours ago, lux aeterna said: At some point it becomes sort of an out of body experience. I did it for three years. As you say, my fear of being alone was just so huge that I just found a way to cope with it. I prepared myself mentally for it, I knew when it was time for it again, during it I just made noises and thought of something to distract myself (groceries for example) and here and there I faked an orgasm. I always knew it was wrong, but I did not want to end it. Luckily he ended it because of different reasons, now I am single for over two years and I would never do it again. I just got comfy with myself. Youre truly amazing, very mentally strong. id never have the balls to do what you did. im glad you arent going through that anymore though better to be happy with yourself and not having to pretend to please others. Live for you. but dang girl you tough as nails. Link to post Share on other sites
NotPhoebe Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 I have learned that even if I'm strongly emotionally connected to the person that sex is something that I cannot go through with. Forcing myself into anything sexual leaves me feeling horrible and changes the way I feel about myself and the other person. I'm not a physically affectionate person by any means. The only thing I find myself comfortable with (sometimes) is cuddling or holding hands. Kissing isn't something I'm into but it's not as big of a deal for me to do as anything involving sex. If someone couldn't be in a relationship with me without sex than I can't see myself being able to have a relationship with them. Link to post Share on other sites
lux aeterna Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 1 hour ago, miettaisace said: Youre truly amazing, very mentally strong. id never have the balls to do what you did. im glad you arent going through that anymore though better to be happy with yourself and not having to pretend to please others. Live for you. but dang girl you tough as nails. Thank you so much. I have never seen it that way. Usually I am just ashamed I did that. So thank you a lot. <3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zyden Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 Ive read all the replies and find the variation interesting. Being demi, I couldn't say, as every relationship has felt different. As I get older though, Im less motivated to put myself in vaguely uncomfortable situations to make the other person happy. Doing so would just make me feel resentful, and we'd probably both end up thinking the other person is being selfish. That doesnt sound healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
AtypicalBandGeek Posted November 18, 2017 Share Posted November 18, 2017 I'd say my limit is pretty much anything involving genitals. That's when it really starts feeling "sexual" to me. Other stuff I can perceive as sensual, but that... it's just gross. Lol. Also not a fan of touching any other "sexual" body parts... give me cuddling and maybe first base, and I'm happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Ldlelee Posted November 18, 2017 Share Posted November 18, 2017 I don't plan on being in a relationship with anyone, but on the off chance that someone will ask me to, I'd say no. I'm pretty repulsed by the idea of ever having sex and it's not something that I want to experience. Link to post Share on other sites
doggalogga Posted November 18, 2017 Share Posted November 18, 2017 Interestingly enough, oral only. It doesn't turn me on, but it's as close to 'typical' as I could ever be - and I don't mind it But only because my last partner was sexual, and that's all I could really do... Link to post Share on other sites
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