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First relationship since I realised I was ace?


OwlMagic153

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Hi! I'm new here so I apologise if I'm a bit rambly or don't make sense. I've known I'm asexual for a few years now, and I'm completely happy with that, although I haven't come out to many people. Since I realised I was asexual though, I have not had any relationships (tbh I didn't have many before then either). But recently, I've met a guy who I genuinely think is lovely. He's a gentleman and we started messaging and I started feeling something towards him. Whenever we would message I would get all fluttery and now I understand why people say they get butterflies. But when we're face to face, that feeling goes away, and even though we've cuddled and held hands, I spend more time thinking about how uncomfortable one or both of us must be rather than how I feel. I don't not like being with him physically, and I guess I had this idea in my head of how things would go, but nothing matches up. The idea of being physical with him is attractive with me, I can definitely enjoy fantasising, but when it comes to actually physical contact, I'm not as interested. I haven't told him I'm ace yet because I chickened out, but I want to tell him so he knows where we stand. Whenever I mention that I'm not too comfortable with something he's always respectful and takes a step back, but I'm worried that he has different expectations from this relationship than I do. I'm not at all experienced in relationships anyway, so I feel like I'm already on the back foot without bringing in the fact that I'm ace. 

 

What should I do? I'd appreciate any advice or opinions on the matter :)

 

(N.B - It is possible that I'm demisexual, but as I haven't experienced many relationships and we've only been seeing each other for a couple weeks, it's too soon to tell) 

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Lord Jade Cross

I believe in some way, you have already answered your question since you mentioned that you do not feel comfortable or that the butterfly feeling goes away when in person.

 

Theres always an X factor when things go from fantasy to reality. In a fantasy, everything works to our expectations, and theres the added factor of control, whereas in reality, things are not always as picture perfect as we may want them to be.

 

If you feel this way now, my best guess would be to not continue the relationship because it would only lead down a path of lies and ultimately deception since the further you go leading the person to believe you feel one way when its another, the more hurt they (and you) will become in the long run.

 

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I can relate to this so much, it's unbelievable. My whole life I've been led on by my confusion of what I fantasize and what I feel in the moment. I have found people that I've felt a drawn/attracted to, and it had led me to imagine myself being with them in a physically intimate way, but in real life when the actual opportunity comes I end up just feeling uncomfortable and don't want it. I hadn't really truly consider the fact that I am on the ace spectrum until recently, because I thought that asexuals we're people that didn't even fantasize about sex, but this isn't true. Asexuality has such a vast spectrum. I also considered that I might possibly be demisexual, but recently I've been realizing more and more that even when I feel a strong interest at first I never develop the ability to convert what I feel in fantasy towards them to what I feel in real life. Recently I've been seeing someone that I've been open about my lack of sexual interest in, and though they are not pressuring me they do express that they are a sexual person. I think if you've already met someone that respects your boundaries than they may be very understanding of your sexuality. 

I feel like I just mostly rambled so I'm sorry if I didn't help at all, lol. But I can so strongly relate!

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