Lithromantic i guess: my experience.

[HDMFreak]

                   I cannot explain how i feel so that everyone could understand. But does anyone else here have a hard time just accepting a friendship over an ex-crush? Im pretty positive im some form of lithromantic. I like someone for a bit, they reconcile feelings and overtime i feel like i start to lose interest. While throughout the whole experience of me feeling this way towards someone, i get nothing but intense feelings of confusion over my feelings and intense anxiety to the point where i can barely eat and it puts me into a depression. Throughout this experience, i actually feel like i do what i can do to maintain feelings for this person, because in my head, i kinda wanted to give a relationship a shot. one side of my brain heavily desires this, and the other side (the anxiety side) says "run!", you dont actually want this". i get conflicting, contradictory thoughts over the whole matter.

 

                   Thoughts such as "do i really like this person" "i dont want to lose this person out of my life" "But yes, run far away. you dont want this person in your life" "you dont really like this person as much as you WANT to. i describe the feeling of lithromanticism to be "i like this person, but i dont want a relationship with them, i feel jealousy, and many other "symptoms" of romantic feelings, but at the same time, i feel nothing but panic and confusion and at the same time i dont wanna lose this person, i just kinda want to." literally i get contradictory emotions when something like this happens. After months of feeling nothing but dread over the matter, it seems as though my anxiety gets lifted and my feelings are at 0 for this person. I end up feeling incredibly guilty because i couldnt "maintain" my feelings for this person like i WANTED to. 

 

                   I just dont understand why my brain reacts to these situations in this way...How could i go from feeling the way i did towards someone, have feelings of anxiety, dread and panic throughout the experience, while still feeling possessiveness, jealousy, anger when i felt like this person was ignoring me, just loved being around this person, making sure this person was okay all the time, loving things such as their smile, their laugh and everything they do, and even small gestures like buying them their favorite food....Its like, i act like im a boyfriend, but dont know how i would feel about a relationship with this person....

 

                   Now for the kicker, is accepting a friendship over your Ex-crush. I just cant bring myself to have a girl whom i felt something towards, just simply be JUST a friend after all this has happened. Imagine if i became friends with every girl this has ever happened to. I couldnt bring myself to doing it. It would be a constant reminder that while i couldnt reconcile my feelings in any way due to how my brain is wired, ill continue to see the girl who i was once very attracted to, find someone that couldn't and wouldn't have ever been me. I guess it could have to do with maybe me not fully accepting myself. but i just dont know. It just wouldnt feel right to continue a friendship with someone at some points throughout my experience, i just wanted to run a way from due to the anxiety and confusion i was experiencing. I guess that sounds pretty selfish but thats just how i think about the whole thing. it really does suck, especially because i'm attracted in every other way, just very fuzzy and confused when it comes to romantic feelings. 

 

                   Has anyone here ever had a similar experience? idk , I just really could use some insight here. :/ 

 

                   

 

[Robin Mok]

Yes... maybe not the same as your experience tho....I let myself tried all the jealousy things for someone I didn't really have romantic feelings for, not even sexual attraction... and I want to erase all of these things.. I was in a really bad place last year.