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vega57

Can Sexuals Love Without Having Sex?

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vega57

*Patiently waits for Ficto to respond....:D *

 

Some of the more recent threads have got me thinking....

 

I think I saw something about whether or not an asexual can truly love someone WITHOUT having sex with them. 

 

And, after thinking about that question, I wondered....  Can a sexual love someone without having sex with them? 

 

I understand this topic will probably be controversial, but I want to know *your* thoughts about it. 

 

Thoughts? 

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Philip027

I would surely hope so, unless they simply just don't experience love to begin with (which is a separate sort of thing entirely)

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TheAP

Yes. After all, many couples fall in love before having sex. Some may need sex in a relationship, but that's not because they need sex to love their partner, it's just that they need sex as well as love in a relationship.

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Law of Circles

Yes. Love isn't exclusive to romantic relationships. Sexual people are clearly capable of loving people nonsexually, such as their friends, family members, and pets.

 

Even if we restrict the scenario to romantic love, it's definitely still possible. For example, there are polyamorous sexuals who enjoy having nonsexual intimate relationships as long as they're still able to have sexual relationships as well.

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thylacine

I'm not so sure if sexual people can love and not want to have sex.  That seems to be their main focus, it seems, because they talk about it so much, it must be what's always on their minds...  just sayin'

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Philip027
Quote

For example, there are polyamorous sexuals who enjoy having nonsexual intimate relationships as long as they're still able to have sexual relationships as well.

That kinda dilutes the whole point of the topic though, in my opinion.  That's still "loving with having sex", you're just getting the sex by proxy because the other person either won't or can't provide.

 

If you would still leave the relationship if you didn't get your sex, as far as I'm concerned that's still requiring sex for love.

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Mermaidy

yeah nonasexuals can love their friends and families definitely without sex although I dont think the OP is wondering about friendships or familial relationships though because that's pretty obvious

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Law of Circles
8 minutes ago, Mermaidy said:

yeah nonasexuals can love their friends and families definitely without sex although I dont think the OP is wondering about friendships or familial relationships though because that's pretty obvious

Yeah, I figured as much. It's just that use of the word "love" when really only romantic love is meant is kind of a personal sore spot for me. I feel like it implicitly devalues the other forms of love that exist. But, I get that this isn't an issue that most people are concerned about, so it probably just seems like I'm being purposefully obtuse or nitpicky.

 

Anyway, I'll stop dissecting semantics now. :ph34r:

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vega57

Oh, I get that sexuals can "love" others, in the sense of 'loving' their children (if they have any), their parents, friends, etc. 

 

But when it comes to "romantic love", can they do so without sex being involved, like some asexuals can?

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FictoVore.
1 hour ago, vega57 said:

*Patiently waits for Ficto to respond....:D *

43 minutes ago, thylacine said:

I'm not so sure if sexual people can love and not want to have sex.  That seems to be their main focus, it seems, because they talk about it so much, it must be what's always on their minds...  just sayin'

Depends on what you mean by love :P For example, I love my kids.. but... yeah. haha.

 

HOWEVER, if you are talking romantic love.. it also depends. For most sexual people, sexual intimacy is an important aspect of romantic love at least some of the time. For me, I am in love with someone I have never physically had sex with, but we are very intimate online. I could happily go without the online stuff though as long as we could still chat and watch movies together etc, and I don't mind if I never have physical sex again.. but I still know that under the right circumstances I can enjoy it enough to actively desire it with him and he feels the same, which is why we don't ID as asexual. We are a minority among sexual people of course, however if we exist there must be others who do too! So yes, under some circumstances it's definitely possible for a sexual person to experience romantic love without actually physically having sex with that person ^_^

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Weishaupt

I think if most people couldn't love, but still wanted sex badly, there'd be a lot more affairs.

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Crusty

Well yes it's possible. I'm living it. My boyfriend is sexual and i'm asexual. we've been going out for over a year and haven't had sex. He's fully aware i'm asexual and is fine with it. He tells me he loves me all the time. so yes, it is definitely possible.

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podsnap

I don't know anyone in real life who would remain in a romantic partnership without sex.

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dawnflower8

Some people wait until after marriage to have sex. Does this mean they didn't love each other until after getting married? 

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Graceful

I’m sexual and could absolutely love someone without sex. I don’t need sex to experience love. Sex is an expression of love for me. I can express love in other ways. Sex is NOT *the* most important thing to most sexuals. And I wonder sometimes what sort of conversations a lot of AVENites hear because I sure as hell don’t talk about sex outside of AVEN any more than I talk about my bowel movements.

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Graceful

Another thought: Lots of couples can’t have sex. Think of a lot of elderly couples who either don’t have much sex or no sex at all. Or couples in which one of them has developed or acquired a severe disability. There are some sexual couples who don’t actually have sex and still love each other.

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FictoVore.
10 minutes ago, Graceful said:

I’m sexual and could absolutely love someone without sex. I don’t need sex to experience love. Sex is an expression of love for me. I can express love in other ways. Sex is NOT *the* most important thing to most sexuals. And I wonder sometimes what sort of conversations a lot of AVENites hear because I sure as hell don’t talk about sex outside of AVEN any more than I talk about my bowel movements.

I often wonder the same thing haha, but yeah I'm like you. I'd rather have my squishy without sex than not have my squishy so I can have sex with someone else D:

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dawnflower8
13 minutes ago, Graceful said:

I’m sexual and could absolutely love someone without sex. I don’t need sex to experience love. Sex is an expression of love for me. I can express love in other ways. Sex is NOT *the* most important thing to most sexuals. And I wonder sometimes what sort of conversations a lot of AVENites hear because I sure as hell don’t talk about sex outside of AVEN any more than I talk about my bowel movements.

I think it's mostly students who see this. A lot of straight boys in high school and college talk about sex nonstop. I don't hang around these people - frankly, they scare me - but I overhear it all the time.

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Philip027
Quote

And I wonder sometimes what sort of conversations a lot of AVENites hear because I sure as hell don’t talk about sex outside of AVEN any more than I talk about my bowel movements.

This is EXACTLY why I started gravitating more toward the opposite sex for company starting from around intermediate school :<

 

Quote

I think it's mostly students who see this. A lot of straight boys in high school and college talk about sex nonstop. I don't hang around these people - frankly, they scare me - but I overhear it all the time.

yep this.

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Skycaptain
4 hours ago, podsnap said:

I don't know anyone in real life who would remain in a romantic partnership without sex.

There are lots of people in relationships who don't have sex, either voluntarily or for medical /physical reasons. 

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Any

my spouse can, but sometimes says: it would be nice if we... depending on the circumstances I may consent (actually being grey, but veryvery rarely desiring, maybe I am flux or pike?)

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podsnap
1 hour ago, Skycaptain said:

There are lots of people in relationships who don't have sex, either voluntarily or for medical /physical reasons. 

I know. I've met them and when you get to know them well enough for them to tell you things, they admit that they have affairs. Or that has been my experience.

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Telecaster68

A couple of parallels:

 

Can asexuals have a relationship without talking to their partner? 

 

Would you own a car if it didn't have an engine? 

 

And another question: do asexuals grasp the concept of 'necessary but not sufficient'? 

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Homer

re: original question

 

Why shouldn't they be able to? From what I gathered, sex is an important way to express their feelings (or a certain part of them). Not expressing those feelings in this one way doesn't mean that those feelings aren't there.

 

At the end of the day it's about finding a way to express yourself in a way that makes you feel like you got the message across and that the other person got it correctly. This isn't a particularly a/sexual issue.

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Telecaster68

Since the original question was punting a massive generalisation about all sexuals, it seemed a massive generalisation about asexuals would also be acceptable. 

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Techie

Personally I feel that sex is an expression of love, not love itself.  As a heteroromantic, I experience romantic attraction to females and way back in the past (I am 55 now) I often had non-sexual crushes on female friends that I found attractive.  For me, I could be a disembodied head and would still experience "love" and a feeling of attraction.  The bits below my neck are superfluous.

 

An example of what I often consider to be "love" would be an elderly couple that, even though they no longer have sex (yes I realize there are elderly couples that have sex but many have health issues or are too frail to engage any longer), still cuddle, take walks holding hands and still experience a genuine emotional attachment to each other.  These are often the couples that when one spouse dies, the other follows along in short order.  Back when I was in my teens in the late 1970's, there was an elderly couple that lived at the end of my street.  They used to take walks together around the neighborhood and I recall the husband was always well dressed in a black overcoat and black hat like men wore in the 50's and 60's (my father used to wear the same style hats).  The wife passed away and we used to see the husband still taking walks by himself but one could definitely sense a certain sadness in his walk.  He did not last six months before he too passed away.

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Deus Ex Infinity

I do think so but I'm no expert on this matter. It might be hard to not have sex at all for most alos.

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Florenna

Short answer: no.  For them, the two are inseparable.

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Graceful
1 hour ago, Florenna said:

Short answer: no.  For them, the two are inseparable.

False

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Alejandrogynous

I think questions like these sorely misunderstand the problem. It's not that sexuals can't love without sex, it's that if their partner doesn't want sex with them, some sexuals will struggle to feel loved in return. Sex, to most people, is an expression of love, so asking 'can sexuals love without sex' is like asking 'can someone love someone that shows no affection.' To which the answer is yes, obviously, but that doesn't mean they'll always feel like their love is reciprocated. That's where the unhappiness starts.

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