Girlfriend doesnt like kissing

[Lesbian#1]

So I'm not actually asexual, but my girlfriend is. I don't have a problem with it, i actually have a low sex drive myself so i dont see sex as an important part of a relationship. However, since our first kiss (which was very awkward, like most first kisses are), she has said that she does not feel like she wants to kiss me. She said that she didn't want to when we first kissed but that she went with it to make me happy. At first i thought that since we had a terrible first kiss (both of us have very little experience) she was just afraid to try again. However, after friends kept pressuring us to kiss at a school dance, she told me she doesn't actually want to kiss anyone and that it isn't just me. We had a long conversation about it and i also learned that she has moments where she feels like she should kiss me but she never actually wants to. She also stated that it took her a while to be comfortable with the idea of kissing her ex. She's told me that perhaps with time she'll get comfortable with the idea of kissing me. 

   We had that conversation almost two months ago. So far very little progress has been made on her part. As for me, my want to kiss her has grown but everytime i feel like kissing her and she's around, i feel guilty. We had another conversation a few weeks ago and she said that she is very upset with herself for being like this. I've even asked if this might be a part of her asexuality. She said maybe. She also said that she gets very uncomfortable when our faces get close together (ive noticed that she does an awkward sort of dance to gain some distance when our faces are close). She has stated, however, that she enjoys holding hands, hugging, and cuddling with me and that those are all perfectly fine acts of affection for her. She doesn't mind kisses on the cheek either, but ive refrained from doing that because of fear she'll be uncomfortable that our faces are close. It should be noted that she also said that perhaps with time she'll get used to our faces being close and with even more time she'll be okay with kissing me.

   We've been dating for four months and i love her deeply. She is my best friend and she is also my first real relationship. To me, kissing is an act of intimacy and love. I'd love to experience that with her and this absolutely pains me. And what's even worse is that I've started to lose some patience. I feel like we need to start taking more action about this rather than talking about it and waiting. 

   I've mentioned all this to her  and right now it seems like all that can happen is waiting and patience and talking. I do wonder that if we spent more time together and got closer physically (we are already pretty close emotionally) that that would speed up this process. The only downside is that both of us are terribly busy with our own lives so we dont get to see each other for longer than maybe 30 minutes a day. And even then we are around friends so we dont really get a lot of alone time. 

   What I'm asking for is some advice on handling this situation and even some stories from other aces that have gone through something like this with their partner. I feel stuck right now and i don't reallt know what to do or say. I'm really trying my best to be patient.

[TheSmokingSkellie]

In all honesty, patience is what is needed her. I completely get both sides and no one is in the wrong here but unfortunately, you can't do much to make her feel more comfortable with it. It's a matter of time and patience.

 

Now of course, this is also not very fair to you. It seems like already you're losing your patience and so as a warning, don't hold any ill will towards her if the relationship sours. It's no one's fault, just incompatibility. 

[Lesbian#1]

14 minutes ago, TheSmokingSkellie said:

In all honesty, patience is what is needed her. I completely get both sides and no one is in the wrong here but unfortunately, you can't do much to make her feel more comfortable with it. It's a matter of time and patience.

 

Now of course, this is also not very fair to you. It seems like already you're losing your patience and so as a warning, don't hold any ill will towards her if the relationship sours. It's no one's fault, just incompatibility. 

Thank you for your reply. I believe we are very compatible in many other areas. Actually, everything I've ever wanted in a partner i can easily see in her. Im also kinda awkward when it comes to initiating things like cuddling. Not because i dont like it but because i guess im a little bit shy. She's an amazing person and im really falling hard for her (i dont fall in love very often) so this worries me a little. I am, however, very willing to change my expectations just to be with her

[Guest]

Some people just aren't that into kissing, or feel kissing is a very intimate act and won't do it until a certain point. This includes sexuals. If you can only see each other 30 minutes and it's never alone, it might take quite a while for her to reach that point (if she ever does). But, you can't force it. If things are  not enough for you, then it's fair to  break up. But, finding some time to hang out alone together might help.

[SilentRose]

I get your frustration and lack of patience for sure, that is a difficult situation. The thing is, however, if I've learned anything from dating the past few years its that you can't go into a relationship hoping that you can change someone, or even simply that they will change over time. This will only result in frustration on your part. If kissing is an important aspect and non negotiable part of a relationship for you, it's unfair to yourself and to her to wait and see if she'll change, because if she doesn't you'll probably end up feeling disappointed and she'll be guilty for disappointing you. 

Right now, you have the option to accept her as she is, and if you do that you have to let go of the kissing hope for now...it could still happen but if you're holding out hope for it for months or years to come then you will go out of your mind.  

If you decide that not being able to kiss her is too painful, than maybe it's time to reconsider the relationship. 

Of course, if it's not total disinterest on her part but just something possible to overcome like awkwardness, than give her time and patience. But if she's just totally not interested and she's not into romantic gestures the way you are, it's best to either accept her without the kissing or leave her if that's not something you're interested in. If it's just her being totally bored with kissing and you have a need for it...that's could be a problem. 

[Lesbian#1]

@SilentRose, thank you for your response. I have decided to take your advice and to just accept her for who she is and try not to hope that she'll want to kiss me in the future. We have been hanging out more as well, in fact our 6 month anniversary is coming up next week. I'm just concerned with how romantic relationships without kissing work rn. I've grown up with the idea that romance involves kissing (i know in some cultures this is not true and kissing is not an act of affection at all, but lets be honest.... I live in the US, kissing and sex is the main foundation of a romantic relationship according to most media outlets), so i have no idea what a romantic relationship without at least kissing would look like. 

 

I also have not talked to her for about a month about any of this. She's been stressed lately to id hate to bring it up until after exams to see if maybe she has made any progress in wanting to kiss me (though i seriously doubt she has)

[Apathetic Echidna]

http://www.medicaldaily.com/kissing-considered-gross-half-world-pros-and-cons-making-out-344824

This article might be informative for you. 

 

You say that

On 11/11/2017 at 2:15 AM, Lesbian#1 said:

To me, kissing is an act of intimacy and love.

well obviously it doesn't mean that to her. So maybe discovering what she sees as an act of intimacy and love is then you can focus on that. I would think that sharing something you both understand as loving is the most important thing for now. Learning about other cultures may in fact give you a nice alternative to kissing that pleases you both. 

[Philip027]

You seem to have already arrived at this conclusion, but yeah, I don't really think any degree of patience is going to solve your issue here.  It seems pretty clear to me from her history that she is just not big on kissing.  You can sit around and wait until you're blue in the face, but I don't think that aspect of her is going to change.

 

It does not have anything to do with asexuality (many aces dig it, for instance).  Everyone just has different preferences.