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Isyourmamaallama

My husband may be asexual. Need advice

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Isyourmamaallama

I'm new here so sorry if this isn't the right place to post but I'm in desperately need of some support. 

 

I've been with my husband now for about 8 years, we've been married about 2+ years and have a baby together. Sex started being an issue for us fairly early in the relationship. I don't remember how frequent sex was in the early days but it was never crazy frequent. I also don't have a particularly high sex drive so it took me a while to notice. I started to notice that it was always me that initiated sex and there were times when he would turn it down. I began to feel rejected and decided to stop initiating altogether while was basically when we stopped having sex. Sex would only happen when I would bring it up and have an argument/get upset about it and it felt more like him just trying to "pacify" me. We went to therapy  before we got married. It didn't do much but eventually we ended up getting married anyway. We're now in therapy again and I'm beginning to do my research on asexuality. 

 

My husband says he just doesn't think about sex. He feels abnormal because all the men around him watch porn and are highly sexual, always taking about women, and he just isn't bothered. He's quite happy in the marriage and I'm the one who initiated the therapy because, even though I myself don't get super strong sexual urges (we do have a young baby which helps) I still feel rejected and undesirable. It's really eaten into my sense of self worth. 

 

Is there anyone in a similar situation who has been able to make it work? Things I've been thinking about (please don't judge some of them, just putting it all out  there) : an open relationship, viagra(?), scheduling sex once a month, just having him satisfy me sexually. I'm also considering just having an openly "no sex" monogamous relationship but need to still need to feel desired and have my self esteem back - just don't know how. Open to any suggestions or help or just a kind word. It's all so new to me and I have no one except my therapist to talk to. We have a child together and otherwise our relationship is good and don't want to walk about from it. Thank you in advance! 

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Rei Kara Stroud

It might not be much help but the first thing of course is always maintaining a open line of communication, relay to him your feelings and worries. (Of course, just as disclaimer, I'm not you and I'm just trying to help but you have no need to follow what I say) . Open relation ships can be a double edged sword, um Viagra doesn't usually help because most of us just...are what we are mentally. It isn't something that will usually change from medication. (Of course, maybe there  are outliers, i'm not a statistician). When any of us are in a relationship we still feel deep love for our partners, please don't worry about that too much; truly, when most of us tell our spouse or significant other that we love them or that we care about them it is truly, deeply sincere, and we also feel guilt too at times because we aren't sexual, because we are aware, on some level, of the stress that it may cause our partners; especially when we know that we are asexual to begin with, whilst our partners are not. Honestly, at the end of the day I can only suggest maintaining communication with your husband, be vigilant and considerate towards eachother (both ways, make sure he knows how you feel and make sure you know how he feels because of course, everyone has their own stances) and just work from there. I know it's cliche and if it exasperates you I apologize, either way, I wish you all the luck and I hope that atleast some of what I said helped atleast in some small way. 

 

Wish you all the luck, 

Yoshimura Rei. 

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Telecaster68

Isyourmamallama -

 

Have a read of most of the posts in this section (if you haven't already). You'd pretty much be the odd one out if you weren't feeling what you're feeling. All the sexual partners of asexuals here 'get it', completely.

 

The bottom line with solutions is this:

 

He finds a way to be happy having at least some sex, which will probably be less than you'd want, and won't involve you feeling sexually desired, because if he's asexual, that's just not a feeling he has in his repertoire. Some asexuals enjoy the physical aspects of sex, and making their partners happy, and are able to have sex on that basis. It'll just never be rip-your-clothes-off or passionate; and some sexuals can live with that. Sometimes it seems like something both sides can do, but over time it turns out that they can't sustain it.

 

or

 

You never have sex, which will mean you have to separate being desired from your self esteem (and also libido), which is not easy.

 

or

 

you have an open relationship, which risks developing an emotional connection with another person, and your husband getting insecure about it

 

or

 

you split up.

 

Joint therapy is a good start.

 

 

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karinosa3

I'm in what'd I'd consider to be a similar situation and hopefully have some helpful advice for how to re-build your self-esteem. My s.o. and I have been together for 8 years, and sex has been a "problem" for us since early in our relationship as well. I was always the one to initiate and was often turned down, which lead to feeling rejected. I was hesitant to bring up sex because the conversation often turned to him feeling guilty about "not thinking about it enough." I felt like I was doing something wrong/was constantly asking what I could do better/feeling like everything was dependent on me. You're not alone!

 

Early on, my s.o. tried viagra because he assumed it was a physical problem. It didn't help because, as someone else mentioned, it's not a physical problem, my s.o. just is who he is and he's not interested in sex. We've tried scheduling sex once a week, once every two weeks, once a month but that hasn't really worked either. Much of the time, it put too much pressure on my s.o. He'd come up with an excuse to break the plan because he just felt too much anxiety about it. 

 

What has worked very well for me in the past two years has been to take control of my own sexual satisfaction. And honestly, I'd recommend that for anyone in a sexual-sexual relationship too. You don't need to rely on anyone else for your sexual needs. Find time for yourself and explore your sexuality. It can be incredibly exciting and empowering. Something a therapist once told me that I come back to again and again is: "If you're having orgasms/having gratifying sexual experiences, it doesn't really matter where they're coming from." I've also heard good things about the site OMGyes. I haven't paid for a subscription, but I can at least recommend the free trial. Also want to say that just because something didn't work for us, it doesn't mean it won't work for you. Just try and be open. 

 

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MrDane
20 hours ago, karinosa3 said:

I'm in what'd I'd consider to be a similar situation and hopefully have some helpful advice for how to re-build your self-esteem. My s.o. and I have been together for 8 years, and sex has been a "problem" for us since early in our relationship as well. I was always the one to initiate and was often turned down, which lead to feeling rejected. I was hesitant to bring up sex because the conversation often turned to him feeling guilty about "not thinking about it enough." I felt like I was doing something wrong/was constantly asking what I could do better/feeling like everything was dependent on me. You're not alone!

 

Early on, my s.o. tried viagra because he assumed it was a physical problem. It didn't help because, as someone else mentioned, it's not a physical problem, my s.o. just is who he is and he's not interested in sex. We've tried scheduling sex once a week, once every two weeks, once a month but that hasn't really worked either. Much of the time, it put too much pressure on my s.o. He'd come up with an excuse to break the plan because he just felt too much anxiety about it. 

 

What has worked very well for me in the past two years has been to take control of my own sexual satisfaction. And honestly, I'd recommend that for anyone in a sexual-sexual relationship too. You don't need to rely on anyone else for your sexual needs. Find time for yourself and explore your sexuality. It can be incredibly exciting and empowering. Something a therapist once told me that I come back to again and again is: "If you're having orgasms/having gratifying sexual experiences, it doesn't really matter where they're coming from." I've also heard good things about the site OMGyes. I haven't paid for a subscription, but I can at least recommend the free trial. Also want to say that just because something didn't work for us, it doesn't mean it won't work for you. Just try and be open. 

 

If we could all just masturbate and get it over with in a nice, personal manner, then there would not really be a problem. The problem comes with the lack of desire and mutual experienced satisfaction. Personally i cant reach the same by myself. As a supplement for the partnered sex its fine.  I still need the connection and the closeness and the skincontact and the release of oxytosin and more. 

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Isyourmamaallama
On 11/10/2017 at 5:51 PM, Rei Kara Stroud said:

It might not be much help but the first thing of course is always maintaining a open line of communication, relay to him your feelings and worries. (Of course, just as disclaimer, I'm not you and I'm just trying to help but you have no need to follow what I say) . Open relation ships can be a double edged sword, um Viagra doesn't usually help because most of us just...are what we are mentally. It isn't something that will usually change from medication. (Of course, maybe there  are outliers, i'm not a statistician). When any of us are in a relationship we still feel deep love for our partners, please don't worry about that too much; truly, when most of us tell our spouse or significant other that we love them or that we care about them it is truly, deeply sincere, and we also feel guilt too at times because we aren't sexual, because we are aware, on some level, of the stress that it may cause our partners; especially when we know that we are asexual to begin with, whilst our partners are not. Honestly, at the end of the day I can only suggest maintaining communication with your husband, be vigilant and considerate towards eachother (both ways, make sure he knows how you feel and make sure you know how he feels because of course, everyone has their own stances) and just work from there. I know it's cliche and if it exasperates you I apologize, either way, I wish you all the luck and I hope that atleast some of what I said helped atleast in some small way. 

 

Wish you all the luck, 

Yoshimura Rei. 

Thank you @Rei Kara Stroud. We're in therapy now (jointly and with separate sessions too) and hopefully it will help us learn to communicate better

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Isyourmamaallama
On 11/10/2017 at 7:58 PM, Telecaster68 said:

Isyourmamallama -

 

Have a read of most of the posts in this section (if you haven't already). You'd pretty much be the odd one out if you weren't feeling what you're feeling. All the sexual partners of asexuals here 'get it', completely.

 

The bottom line with solutions is this:

 

He finds a way to be happy having at least some sex, which will probably be less than you'd want, and won't involve you feeling sexually desired, because if he's asexual, that's just not a feeling he has in his repertoire. Some asexuals enjoy the physical aspects of sex, and making their partners happy, and are able to have sex on that basis. It'll just never be rip-your-clothes-off or passionate; and some sexuals can live with that. Sometimes it seems like something both sides can do, but over time it turns out that they can't sustain it.

 

or

 

You never have sex, which will mean you have to separate being desired from your self esteem (and also libido), which is not easy.

 

or

 

you have an open relationship, which risks developing an emotional connection with another person, and your husband getting insecure about it

 

or

 

you split up.

 

Joint therapy is a good start.

 

 

Thanks @Telecaster68. None of those options seem ideal :( but we'll keep working at it and see where we end up

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Isyourmamaallama
On 11/11/2017 at 9:54 AM, karinosa3 said:

I'm in what'd I'd consider to be a similar situation and hopefully have some helpful advice for how to re-build your self-esteem. My s.o. and I have been together for 8 years, and sex has been a "problem" for us since early in our relationship as well. I was always the one to initiate and was often turned down, which lead to feeling rejected. I was hesitant to bring up sex because the conversation often turned to him feeling guilty about "not thinking about it enough." I felt like I was doing something wrong/was constantly asking what I could do better/feeling like everything was dependent on me. You're not alone!

 

Early on, my s.o. tried viagra because he assumed it was a physical problem. It didn't help because, as someone else mentioned, it's not a physical problem, my s.o. just is who he is and he's not interested in sex. We've tried scheduling sex once a week, once every two weeks, once a month but that hasn't really worked either. Much of the time, it put too much pressure on my s.o. He'd come up with an excuse to break the plan because he just felt too much anxiety about it. 

 

What has worked very well for me in the past two years has been to take control of my own sexual satisfaction. And honestly, I'd recommend that for anyone in a sexual-sexual relationship too. You don't need to rely on anyone else for your sexual needs. Find time for yourself and explore your sexuality. It can be incredibly exciting and empowering. Something a therapist once told me that I come back to again and again is: "If you're having orgasms/having gratifying sexual experiences, it doesn't really matter where they're coming from." I've also heard good things about the site OMGyes. I haven't paid for a subscription, but I can at least recommend the free trial. Also want to say that just because something didn't work for us, it doesn't mean it won't work for you. Just try and be open. 

 

I'm really glad to hear someone in a similar situation is making it work @karinosa3. I think giving myself some time and space to work on my own sexuality is a good place to start. But what do you do about those feelings of "not being desired" by your spouse? Do you get that from other people? For example, by dressing up and going out etc? Don't mean to sound weird and I don't mean having a sexual relationship with anyone else

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karinosa3
On 11/12/2017 at 12:07 AM, Isyourmamaallama said:

I'm really glad to hear someone in a similar situation is making it work @karinosa3. I think giving myself some time and space to work on my own sexuality is a good place to start. But what do you do about those feelings of "not being desired" by your spouse? Do you get that from other people? For example, by dressing up and going out etc? Don't mean to sound weird and I don't mean having a sexual relationship with anyone else

Doesn't sound weird at all. As someone else mentioned, there is a degree to which I've worked on separating my self-esteem from feeling "desired." But yes, I've noticed I do enjoy dressing up and going out with friends. Another thing that helps is putting your imagination to use. For example, from a simple interaction with a cashier at a coffee shop, you could build an entire story in your head about what it'd be like to date them, have sex with them, etc. 

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MrDane
On 12/11/2017 at 7:07 AM, Isyourmamaallama said:

I'm really glad to hear someone in a similar situation is making it work @karinosa3. I think giving myself some time and space to work on my own sexuality is a good place to start. But what do you do about those feelings of "not being desired" by your spouse? Do you get that from other people? For example, by dressing up and going out etc? Don't mean to sound weird and I don't mean having a sexual relationship with anyone else

Sometimes it helps to take “sexyness” out of the equation. It is not a pleasing word, when I say that my wife turns me on. She is never turned on by anything from me nor anything else. 

 

I like how my body looks and I have accepted that she will never see me with hot, steamy eyes. But I try to think about the fact that she is with ‘me’ and not because of my body, though some sweet words had been nice.

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Jay.J

I am in a very similar situation. First thing I am trying to do is to clarify, understand and acknowledge the problem.> Only that is when you actively urge yourself to find a solution.I have also shared my story. have a read of mine and tell me what you think. Been in a relationship with an Asexual wife for 15 years and trust me, i have been extremely resilient, openminded and communicative but it never worked. you can implement strategies to make things go smother but nothing changes. The strong link between love, desire, affection and sexual orientation is undeniable. So it is an unhealthy relationship in the first place. 

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