[TW] Suicidal Thoughts

[kaysir]

Please feel free but not obligated to elaborate on your answers below. Please do not describe any such thoughts in graphic detail. Do not write out the product of active ideation or any fantasies. If you are not sure if your answer could be unsettling, please put it inside a spoiler by clicking the eye button on top of the text box or typing [ spoiler ] (your text) [/ spoiler ] without the spaces in the square brackets.

 

For anyone struggling, there is a forum here on AVEN called Tea and Sympathy where you can vent and find a number of support resources.

 

Admods, delete/edit/move this thread as needed, no notice necessary. 

[kaysir]

I personally have had suicidal ideation for almost half of my life. It started with fleeting, non-serious thoughts like "I could just jump off a building" and "What if I used those scissors on myself" and I'd be a bit surprised with myself or just move on to another train of thought. I developed Major Depression somewhere along the way and a few years ago started having active ideation. I have never acted and don't find my urges logical, but they persist, and I wanted to hear from people who had either never experienced a similar thing or those who knew where I was coming from.

[Titchwithpitch]

I frequently have such thoughts going back as far as I can remember, i basically get them pretty much daily but I know that I would not act on them.

 

Spoiler

 

I almost acted on them twice but instead got myself to the A&E emergency counselling (i cant remember what it's called), and it wasn't the best experience.

 

 

[lazypanda]

I went through a major depressive phase during undergrad and I actually researched it pretty deeply....but I was disappointed when i found out there was no foolproof way. I came up with kind of an awesome idea,but I guess i was too chicken to go through with it . 

Am I happy i didn't do it ? Heck yes !!! Life seems so much better when u view it without the blue tinted glasses of depression.

[Guest]

I've had suicidal thoughts for over 10 years. It's not something I expect to change because I can never be happy. Every night I go to sleep I hope I won't wake up the next day. I've never actually planned to commit suicide but really wish to die as soon as possible. To be clear, I won't act on the thoughts though.

[kaysir]

9 hours ago, Titchwithpitch said:

I frequently have such thoughts going back as far as I can remember, i basically get them pretty much daily but I know that I would not act on them.

 

My Titch!! I thought you might feel like that, and I can only say how glad I am that you have never done anything and never will. It takes a lot to just keep going, let alone to try and access assistance in the very imperfect health systems we have in present day, and I'm really proud of you!

 

8 hours ago, lazypanda said:

I went through a major depressive phase during undergrad and I actually researched it pretty deeply....but I was disappointed when i found out there was no foolproof way. I came up with kind of an awesome idea,but I guess i was too chicken to go through with it . 

Am I happy i didn't do it ? Heck yes !!! Life seems so much better when u view it without the blue tinted glasses of depression.

The top part of your response is my situation right now. Just a couple of nights ago I was reading threads about the most foolproof way. But once the strongest mood passes, I know I shouldn't do any of those wild things. Congratulations on overcoming depression! Your story gives me hope.

 

6 hours ago, Brave Zebra said:

I've had suicidal thoughts for over 10 years. It's not something I expect to change because I can never be happy. Every night I go to sleep I hope I won't wake up the next day. I've never actually planned to commit suicide but really wish to die as soon as possible. To be clear, I won't act on the thoughts though.

I have felt that way for the about the same amount of time. There are many things that bring me happiness, however. It's cool that you have a presence on this site and wherever else you may, but it sucks that you don't feel good about any of it. Thank you for sticking around. I hope happiness finds you soon and you want to stay.

[Topi]

That's just my mind that likes to think about how I could die in every situation. I look at an object and first thing that comes to mind is: how could I die with this? 

 

But I'm against suicide, so I would never try it. 

 

However, there is a very dangerous feeling when I go by myself walk close to the sea. It just looks so beautiful and inviting, specially when it's dangerous and full of rocks. 

[Grumpy Alien]

I have MDD, GAD, and PTSD so yes, throughout my life.

[Gloomy]

Yes I have, when my anxiety and depression were really bad.

[rhwrd]

Sometimes during a phase of depression or sadness I have thought of it and what ways are possible, but then again on a second thought, I always had something worth living for.

[Guest]

This comes with a huge TW so placing this in a spoiler

 

Spoiler

In my teenage years i always had a bottle with a cocktail made out of things my mom used to clean the house but i could never take it in. In the end when my mom found out about my suicidal ideation and how much i wished to act on it i was sent to a mental health care institution so i could  be treated for it. It took years of therapy to get my mind back on track. I still have issues with depression but i really want to live and enjoy my life to the fullest. I feel that being open and honest about it did save my life in the end, if i didn't i would have probaly ended up dead along time ago.

 

[SkyWorld]

Spoiler

Hmm, it happens somewhat often, about once a month give or take. Though, I'd actually have very specific plans... I don't really like talking about it because I don't want to put any ideas into others heads. It also kind of concerns me how casual I'd say or think about it as if it was no big deal, knowing deep down it shouldn't be taken lightly.

 

The last time I have was about a month ago, but I'm doing better. All I just need to do is get out of the house. That's it... I learned a healthy way to cope until the circumstances are better. Especially if I do something productive with my anger and stress, like work out to blow off some steam. Personally, what kept me going throughout is that I didn't want to hurt those that care about me and I care about them, despite feeling like I can't last another day.

 

[lazypanda]

On 11/9/2017 at 9:45 PM, kaysir said:

The top part of your response is my situation right now. Just a couple of nights ago I was reading threads about the most foolproof way. But once the strongest mood passes, I know I shouldn't do any of those wild things. Congratulations on overcoming depression! Your story gives me hope.

I'm not completely over depression...nor do i think i will ever be....but its definitely gotten better !!! 

There is no foolproof way...people have survived point blank shots to the head!!! But I had a really great idea...i even had a suicide song to listen to when i killed myself..."Don't fear the reaper"....it's like that song was written for suicide..its so perfect...but i was too chicken...

Another thing that always made me hesitant...thinking about my parents and what they would go through if i commited suicide.

 

[Guest]

30 minutes ago, lazypanda said:

Another thing that always made me hesitant...thinking about my parents and what they would go through if i commited suicide.

Yes, I can relate to that too. I wonder sometimes if I will end up committing suicide later in life when my parents are no longer around. That's probably because I expect to be alone with no one to love me and I know my Ehlers-Danlos syndrome is going to cause me a lot more pain as my body falls apart more and more.

 

My song would be Suede - The Next Life.

[Guest]

I have BPD and was diagnosed with unipolar depression which I experienced ever since I was young kid, but fortunately now that I'm older (29) I can deal with those kinds of thoughts better these days. I often struggle with the self-harm aspect of it all, but fortunately haven't actually 'given into' suicidal thoughts (as in, actively making an attempt) in over 10 years now and I hope to never go there again because it's not a pretty place to be :/ Sadly when you get those thoughts (for many people anyway) you start reasoning why it would be better for everyone else to be without you which makes it harder to find a reason to stop.

 

 

[Guest 80814]

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[Sea Lemon]

Yes, pretty regularly. Mostly passing thoughts that are easy to brush away, but once in a while when things get really bad I do make actual concrete plans, and they're a LOT harder to resist acting on. I haven't attempted to since I was a teenager though, and I'm determined to keep it that way.

[J. van Deijck]

I do, but I doubt it would change anything.

most of the time I'm pretty sure I don't want to die, and I even fear death, but at the same time I'm aware that my existence is meaningless and it's mostly a waste of time. it's all probably generated by depression, but as long as I don't actively attempt to harm myself, there are only a few people who actually care.

[Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet]

Just now, [noize:injekktion] said:

I do, but I doubt it would change anything.

most of the time I'm pretty sure I don't want to die, and I even fear death, but at the same time I'm aware that my existence is meaningless and it's mostly a waste of time. it's all probably generated by depression, but as long as I don't actively attempt to harm myself, there are only a few people who actually care.

Your existence has meaning! It isn't a waste of time! 😭😭😭😭😭

*Giant hugs* 

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Quite frequently I fantasise about dropping 'off grid' so that I do the deciding whether to approach society and don't have it thrust upon me, but I never have thoughts of suicide. Maybe I'm just a super-introverted hermit at heart.

[Lilsi]

I am the No, but think about not existing. 

Spoiler

I personally don't really get life, to be it is mostly hard going and pointless. You work most of your life to achieve a bit of freedom before you pass on, and you are lucky if you are healthy enough and have spare funds to then enjoy that freedom.  But i don't think about committing suicide and have never felt the need to self harm either. I will just mooch around pointlessly until i die from whatever.    Which i know sounds odd to folk but that is genuinely how i feel. I have had lapses of depression throughout various times in my life but even then i never thought about suicide, just mostly why can't i just sleep and not wake up.  

 

[paperbackreader]

1 hour ago, Lilsi said:

I am the No, but think about not existing. 

  Reveal hidden contents

I personally don't really get life, to be it is mostly hard going and pointless. You work most of your life to achieve a bit of freedom before you pass on, and you are lucky if you are healthy enough and have spare funds to then enjoy that freedom.  But i don't think about committing suicide and have never felt the need to self harm either. I will just mooch around pointlessly until i die from whatever.    Which i know sounds odd to folk but that is genuinely how i feel. I have had lapses of depression throughout various times in my life but even then i never thought about suicide, just mostly why can't i just sleep and not wake up.  

 

Almost word for word what I would have said with one significant difference, but in those moments I'd wish I had never ever existed before, rather than ceasing to exist. Significant to me because a) It's not logically achievable unless I'm a time lord which in today's terms is improbable and b) never existed before = won't hurt people whom I know will care if I suddenly cease to exist - so I mooch about and wish I am able to go back in time and change the fact that I've ever existed before .___.

[Tyke]

In one of the Seasons of The Bridge (Bron) there was a discussion about the difference between ceasing to exist, and never having existed in the first place.

 

I'm sometimes struck by how unimportant  human life is. So I just try to enjoy it whilst doing no harm, and some good, to others. A former colleague once expressed the opinion that if you didn't pass your genes on, then you were pretty much irrelevant. This to childless me, which I thought was a bit much. 

[kaysir]

On 11/9/2017 at 11:57 AM, Topi said:

That's just my mind that likes to think about how I could die in every situation. I look at an object and first thing that comes to mind is: how could I die with this? 

I feel like more people think this way than we know. In middle school, I thought about that a lot. I also thought about how I could kill other people. I was an angry kid, not sure why. Your experience at sea is like mine on top of cliffs and buildings. Thank goodness I'm afraid of heights and the ocean!

 

@The Unknown Warrior @lazypanda @FictoVore.

It is fortunate (and unfortunate if you want to look at it that way) that we have people who we don't want to hurt by hurting ourselves. It is easy to convince yourself that you are more trouble than you're worth, but most people looking at you don't think the same thing. I am thankful for each and every one of you, at the very least for contributing to this site and giving me something to do with my life, haha.

 

@Lilsi @paperbackreader your responses resonate with me a lot. Mooch squad 4ever.

 

34 minutes ago, Midland Tyke said:

A former colleague once expressed the opinion that if you didn't pass your genes on, then you were pretty much irrelevant. This to childless me, which I thought was a bit much.

That is so incredibly disrespectful of that colleague. It amazes me that people have such a narrow view of purpose and relevance and they push it onto other people. I'm of the opinion that by existing you are already relevant. Your existence is a change made in the world and everything you do has an effect. Interacting with the world, with objects, with concepts and ideas, and with people who aren't related to you are acts equally as impactful as passing on genes.

 

Plus the world is overpopulated.

[Tyke]

2 hours ago, kaysir said:

Plus the world is overpopulated.

Indeed it is! Don't get me started. Oh, but you have...

 

There's a lobby group called Population Matters. It speaks a lot of truth. I urge everyone to seek it out.

[paperbackreader]

2 minutes ago, Midland Tyke said:

Indeed it is! Don't get me started. Oh, but you have...

 

There's a lobby group called Population Matters. It speaks a lot of truth. I urge everyone to seek it out.

A slightly more extreme version: http://www.vhemt.org 

 

[Tyke]

11 minutes ago, paperbackreader said:

A slightly more extreme version: http://www.vhemt.org 

 

So funny!

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

We need to attend to both ends of the population as well though. i'm not young, but I don't want to hang around past my sell by date, I've seen so much in my nursing career. Eventually, when I was working night shifts at a local nursing home, there wasn't one night that I didn't here 'why don't you just let me go?'. I don't mean mass culling, but knowing when to honour the person and not pandering to relatives who just can't let go.

[korik]

18 hours ago, chandrakirti said:

 I don't mean mass culling, but knowing when to honour the person and not pandering to relatives who just can't let go.

this is the discussion I have with my co-workers, often. (veterinary field) people clinging to their pets who are beyond help. They've had a Good, Long life. Just let it go. - It's actually quite liberating to help your loved ones pass over the bridge. End their suffering. (I'm talking end of life care, of course. Not the original topic of suicide.)

 

 

back on topic, though:

I have had many periods where I wished I weren't alive. but I don't think I've ever had Real thoughts of suicide, let alone plans to act on them. 

[ThatHuman]

Key word: had.