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scarletlatitude

The Stranger: Savage Love Letter of the Day: What's Stopping Her from Having Sex?

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scarletlatitude

http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/10/09/25459613/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-whats-stopping-her-from-having-sex

9 October 2017

 

Quote

First, the obvious: You could be asexual, DSA. Many asexuals want intimacy, affection, and maybe even some making out... but not so much sex. And asexuals who don't know what asexuality is and/or don't understand themselves as asexual are sometimes confused or even panicked by what they perceive as a conflict, i.e. a longing for romantic intimacy/connection but no desire for sex. But there's no conflict there—if, indeed, you're asexual.

I'm hoping asexuality came up at some point during your three years in therapy—therapy that, I'm assuming, covered your disinterest-bordering-on-revulsion regarding sexual intimacy. Asexuality seems like an obvious answer, but you didn't mention asexuality anywhere in your letter, and—as many Savage Love letter-writers can confirm—there are lots of therapists and counselors rattling around out there who aren't familiar with the most up to date research on asexuality or anything else having to do with non-standard-issue/non-default-setting human sexuality. So maybe it hasn't ever come up? If that's the case, DSA, start exploring asexuality resources/message boards/subreddits and see if you relate. The Asexual Visibility and Education Network is a great place to start.

 

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TopHatCat

Oh wow, Savage made his peace with the asexual community? That's awesome!

 

He's a great figure and means well, but for a while he seemed to be doing his advocacy a disservice with how he regarded asexuality. We were the missing piece to answering some of the problems he comes against, and it looks like he's realized it. He even recognized in your excerpt why visibility is important, something I recall he didn't seem to understand before.

 

Thanks for posting this, I can now hold him in higher esteem.

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Snao Cone

I'm really glad that he put a very positive primer of asexuality as an option before diving into the deeper issues. It is the simpler place to start, and I think it's healthier for people who are feeling averse to or repulsed by sex to consider that it might just be their orientation instead of some deeper issue to be "fixed". I think a solid sign of progress in asexual awareness and acceptance will come when it's far far more common for people to suggest someone's asexual than to suggest that they have a health problem.

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ChillaKilla

Well whaddya know? People can learn...

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Snao Cone
1 hour ago, ChillaKilla said:

Well whaddya know? People can learn...

Yup, even older people with sometimes difficult personalities. ;) I think this is a good example of why casting people as haters and holding past statements against them is usually counterproductive. We're all growing, in some way.

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