pseudo-sexuality

[Copal_0]

I searched and found the term after I thought of it, but it's really the only thing I can think of to describe the feeling. Since I began identifying on the Asexual spectrum the feeling has gone away. I know I feel romantic attraction, for sure. However I have this sense that what I thought was my sexuality was constructed of both lived experiences and social conditioning. Sort of like learning an instrument. I know when I'm in a relationship (I've only been in two with a long interstitial period in-between) I can like or even want (now I'm not sure if I really want it but I'm willing) sex, but it's a conscious choice, like "Oh we should do it." or something, but I don't think I've ever really felt it like I've felt love.

Over the last week I feel like all the pieces that made up that construct are still there, but the desexualization of things reorganized my mind in a way that now makes me feel comfortable with my self. Even the way I treat my kinks makes me feel better about them. Love is stronger too which is fantastic. It's almost like I was applying this sexual overlay to my life and it never fit, or I never understood it. Does anyone else feel that way? 

[The Gnat (Natalie)]

I think I understand what you mean. To paraphrase it as my experience with starting to identify as ace/demiromantic, I feel like I took all of the pressure off of myself to feel romantic/sexual attraction, and now without the pressure I can actually enjoy and feel comfortable with my real personality/identity because I'm not trying to fake feelings I don't have. I've embraced my inability to feel those things and realized that I'm a much cooler, more loving and open person when I'm not trying to pretend to be something I'm not. Basically, stopping trying to pretend to be straight is the best decision I've ever made.

 

Am I describing the same thing, or did I misunderstand your post? Either way, I'm really happy for you that you feel more comfortable with yourself now! 

[aballofthoughts]

Maybe? The 'oh we should do it' felt familiar, like you said a conscious choice, not something spontaneous. Like I went with the flow of events. I don't think I am repulsed by sexual stuff, I just feel better without it. 

But I still ask myself 'was I like that before?'. Would I still be feeling like I am - (probably) asexual if certain things hadn't happened or was sexual sexuality (:D)  imposed on me by social requirements. I just can't shake off the feeling that something wrong and thus now I am here, stuck. 

Does it feel somehow like that? 

[Copal_0]

2 hours ago, The Gnat (Natalie) said:

I think I understand what you mean. To paraphrase it as my experience with starting to identify as ace/demiromantic, I feel like I took all of the pressure off of myself to feel romantic/sexual attraction, and now without the pressure I can actually enjoy and feel comfortable with my real personality/identity because I'm not trying to fake feelings I don't have. I've embraced my inability to feel those things and realized that I'm a much cooler, more loving and open person when I'm not trying to pretend to be something I'm not. Basically, stopping trying to pretend to be straight is the best decision I've ever made.

 

Am I describing the same thing, or did I misunderstand your post? Either way, I'm really happy for you that you feel more comfortable with yourself now! 

Yeah, I think that's it. I know I can get baroque with my language, but thats pretty much how I feel now. I just sort of feel happy with myself.  

 

1 hour ago, aballofthoughts said:

Maybe? The 'oh we should do it' felt familiar, like you said a conscious choice, not something spontaneous. Like I went with the flow of events. I don't think I am repulsed by sexual stuff, I just feel better without it. 

But I still ask myself 'was I like that before?'. Would I still be feeling like I am - (probably) asexual if certain things hadn't happened or was sexual sexuality (:D)  imposed on me by social requirements. I just can't shake off the feeling that something wrong and thus now I am here, stuck. 

Does it feel somehow like that? 

Pretty much, I think I learned how to be sexual rather than feeling it, and I've only had a couple partners so there is something in that, and something in how I can remember sex going back. I think the quote is more like something I said inside my own head, but I said something similar verbally to my first partner. 

[autumnrose]

I've spent the last 3 years intensely trying to figure out my sexuality and the last 30 somewhat trying to figure it out. Sex (lack of wanting it) has always caused problems for me and my relationships. I always described it to others and myself as me wanting sex less (much less) than my partner, but I'm wondering now if I ever really did want it at all. I know I was a product of social conditioning, but I'm just not positive yet to what degree. Now that I'm certain that I am definitely not fully sexual (identifying as gray ), I feel like I will be able to live out my sex-life (or lack of) much more authentically. I have yet to test out the waters, however, as this whole asexuality thing is a recent discovery - a discovery brought on by another difficult partnership with someone with a high (or maybe average - who knows!) libido.

 

I like the term pseudo-sexual. Gray feels good to me as well. It's nice to finally feel good about my sexuality. I think I do understand your initial post, Copal_O.