I am absolutely done and fed up feeling this way

[HDMFreak]

Ive attempted multiple times trying to get feedback and i have no other clues on where to turn. Ive been going through this issue for possibly the past 6-7 years. I dont know what else to do. I never seek romantic relationships, but im not sure if its because i genuinely am not interested in them, or its because whenever i get close, i get insane long lasting anxiety which leads me to constantly question my feelings for the person. Im am fed up at this point with “catching feelings” for someone (or i would presume are feelings) and as soon i do, i get anxiety and wonder why i dont want a relationship. Yet during this initial period of time, i constantly think about them, get annoyed when they would ignore me, feel cold towards them when they dont feel the same way i do or when i feel like they dont “care” enough for what i do for them, constantly cater to them (buying things such as food or whatever they like), feeling in a dreamy state when im around them, loving their laugh, smile, etc. just pretty much feeling “different” towards them then i would anyone else. An example would be my co-worker who i hooked up with. I felt this way towards her initially. And everytime she felt the same way towards me, my anxiety would get worse, id recoil, and start to question everything. (Such as my feelings). This has happened to EVERY girl ive gotten close to. How could i feel jealous and so possessive but question my feelings and feel as though i dont want a relationship with them. It even confuses her and whats weird is that i feel like my feelings were genuine because EVERYONE at my job ended up thinking we were dating suddenly, which we werent. We have hung out recently alot, and i absolutely loved cuddling with her, kissing her/making out with her, i would hold hands with her when we cuddled watching a movie and i just felt comfortable being around her. I noticed my anxiety wasnt as bad in these moments. I just feel like i dont like her as much as i WANT to like her or even if i like her at all. I have suffered 4 months of constant anxiety over this. I just wont suffice with being JUST friends with someone i have had confusing feelings and anxiety over for many months now. It really sucks that this happens to me and i would feel terrible dropping this person out of my life like i have dine in the past just to break the anxiety cycle. Its hard coming to terms with potentially being aromantic, when in fact i feel like i HAVE Felt something strong towards this person and definitely put them first over others. I dont see how someone like myself can “feel” this way about someone and still be confused and want to not speak to them because of my confusion. She has even told me “you do everything a boyfriend would do, i dont see why you dont want a relationship”. The thing is, i dont really think about her that often, i dont get those feelings of excitement when she replies back to a text from me anymore and i dont feel compelled to see her so often. But when i DO see her at work, we end up constantly kissing and i get incredibly flirty with her. I even stick my finger in her nose as a joke to be cute and playful with her.  (Like gross things from her dont even turn me off and i find cuteness in that). Its weird, when im WITH her, i feel like i like her alot more than when shes not around. Days when my anxiety is at its peak, i keep thinking of ways on how i could stop having this girl in my life (and i feel so guilty about that), but on certain days when shes with me, i feel like i still kind of like her and rhat my anxious mind should just accept that. Like i said before, i cant accept JUST a friendship with her. It wouldnt feel right and i know for a fact once she decides to pull the plug from letting me be sensual with her in anyway, or she decides to move on and find a man that will appreciate her, im going to end up feeling like shit about the whole thing. Wha are your thoughts on this?

[Philip027]

Quote

Wha are your thoughts on this?

Only real thought I had was that your post could really use some paragraphs.

[Lichley]

You could be Lithsexual/romantic where you feel the emotions until they reciprocate, or you could be fraysexual/romantic where the feelings gradually deteriorate over time. Just some suggestions to look into  

[Guest]

Ever tried just going along with it and being in a relationship? 

[Sambamsodacan]

On 18/11/2017 at 8:05 AM, Lockylocks said:

Ever tried just going along with it and being in a relationship? 

In my own experiences, this has never led to a long lasting relationship that didnt just stay platonic. I only felt my strongest romantic feelings when I was with them in person and even then I was never as into my partner as they were me. I never really missed my partner when they were gone; almost as I would miss a family member or friend. 

Just trying to be in a relationship doesn't work for many; it's hard to force yourself to do something you cannot and lead someone on.