"Growing out of Asexuality"?

[That One Ace]

(Okay, so I am a young one so I don't exactly know a whole lot about the asexual spectrum, so sorry if I offend someone or get something wrong.) I'm in highschool right now (ew) and I was having a conversation with one of my "friends" about a year ago and he brought up my sexuality. I tend to get a little defensive when this subject pops up but I let his questions slide. I explained to him that I am asexual. He immediately brushed it off saying, "Whatever that's not even a real thing! You're just going to grow out of it, I know tons of people that it's happened to." I didn't want to go into it but I believed him for a long time that it would all fade away. I know it's completely irrational but if anyone has had experience with this stuff could ya help me out a lil here maybe?

[Puck]

Hello and welcome to AVEN! I hope this can be a good resource for ya!

 

First off, don't feel bad that you need to learn! It's ok, you don't have to be ashamed that you are young or newer to the community. New blood is wonderful! And there are lots of teens on the site anyway, so you will be right at home!

 

So you know, there is actually no such thing as an "asexual spectrum." There is a sexual spectrum, with  "asexual" as one of the end points. It's a commonly confused concept, so do not worry at all for needing to learn about it.

 

As for your friend, a lot of people say that. To be honest, some people don't develop sexually until later (the average age for women is about 17 year old, but that's only the average age, so some might develop much sooner while others much later, even into their 20's). However, that doesn't change how you feel now and the fact that this is a perfectly acceptable orientation to have and take pride in. Right now, you identify as asexual. The other person is being disrespectful of your feelings and your orientation. I'm glad you found a space where there are others who will accept you so that you can build the confidence you need to face people trying to write you off like that.

 

I guess my only advice is to keep in mind that you and what you feel is valid no mater what that person or others say. Why should you listen to them over your own feelings anyway? You are you and you know how you feel. No one can take that away or negate it.

 

Hope that was somewhat helpful, all the best!

[Lord Jade Cross]

"You'll grow out of it"

 

If I had a dollar every time someone reacted with asinine responses like this, I'd be a rich, retired man just focusing on sharpening my cosplay making skills.

 

Yes, its true some people MAY change their minds regarding sex/sexuality/etc especially when they are still in the teen years, heck even in their 20's and 30's people can change their minds; and if they do, there is nothing wrong with it. But if they dont, thats also perfectly fine.

 

The mentality that absolutely everyone is out to screw around with others and that its somehow mandatory is bs that much too often gets thrown in peoples faces. 

 

 

 

[Aurinko]

Ask them why they care so much. Then continue asking questions. It mostly leads to their own inferiority complex (desire to be free of sexual hunger).

 

Just do not get destructive. Ask, ask, ask and smile sometimes  like you understand them.

 

Saying "I believe you" also works crazily.

 

Remember, you yourself can not know yet if you would ever "grow out of it". You know your current identity, only you. So go with it. Do not allow people try to define you. Ask them questions.

[Guest]

Some people remain asexual forever, some (like me!) eventually discover after many years that we were actually sexual all along but just hadn't met the right person yet  I was literally like, 'fully' asexual-seeming until I was 28 years old, now I'm practically hypersexual with this one person. So you never know! I'd say just ignore the person who said that to you. Maybe they're wrong and maybe they're right but it's not like they actually KNOW so meh, they're opinion is pretty worthless. If they're not being supportive then ignore them I say!

[Kururin]

Bah! Don't listen to them if they don't support you. They're a bunch of humbugs. 

 

At the same time, sexuality is fluid. You may change or may not change, this is just life. It takes time to find out your sexuality, and you don't need to stay with one orientation if you don't feel like it fits you. It's just trying and buying new shoes. It can take ages or it is quick. There will be people who will like you for who you are! Trust us on this one.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Go with how you actually feel and not what friends/society think. honestly, there are as many opinions as there are people out there, but in the end, the only one that counts is yours, after all, it's your life, not theirs.

[daisylove]

Well, my experience was the opposite. I kinda knew that I had little interest in sex when I was younger but felt like I needed to appear to like it to "fit in" which meant years wasted on trying to fit into societies expectations instead of being true to myself. I thought there was "normal" and then there was me. If I had a dollar for every time I had to listen to someone talk about a "healthy sex life" I'd be independently wealthy. For me a healthy sex life is NO sex life. 

 

Be true to yourself.  So sorry you have to go through that. Hoping you find more people affirming of your identity very soon. Hang in there  

 

 

[Astryda]

I discovered concept of asexuality when I was about 20 years old, now I'm 29 and still asexual, even though I'm married to a sexual person.

 

Your feelings might or might not change with time, but the most important thing is to listen to yourself and do what feels good to you.

 

Sometimes people would get so much into your asexuality and if they ask questions or they want to learn I think it's a good thing and you can explain it to them or just point them to AVEN if you don't want to explain things on your own. On the other hand, if they are just brushing it off I would perhaps still point them to AVEN so they can see that it is a real thing, but if you decide that it's wouldn't make too much sense then just leave it and tell them it's your personal business (after all you don't have any duty to report your sexual activity to random people or friends). If they keep nagging you then ask them something like 'why do you care? Do you want to have sex with me?'. Sometimes this question really leaves people speechless

[SilverFlower]

It seems like when you are younger and Ace, people tell you you will grow out of it.  When you are older, they tell you that you are "just going through a phase" which will pass, something I have heard a lot of lately.  Both statements are equally asinine.  You define your sexuality, nobody else.  Sexuality is, as pointed out above, not an either/or choice but rather a spectrum.  It is also something that is fluid over time.  So, you may or may not stop being Ace at some time in the future but not on anyone's timetable or due to anyone else's concern, however well meaning.

[Florenna]

On 11/8/2017 at 6:44 AM, Puck said:

So you know, there is actually no such thing as an "asexual spectrum." There is a sexual spectrum, with  "asexual" as one of the end points. It's a commonly confused concept, so do not worry at all for needing to learn about it.

Actually, there is an asexual spectrum - one that includes grey- and demisexuals, among others, or isn't that right...? Because that's definitely the way I've understood things from this site. 

[Puck]

9 hours ago, Florenna said:

Actually, there is an asexual spectrum - one that includes grey- and demisexuals, among others, or isn't that right...? Because that's definitely the way I've understood things from this site. 

No, it's a commonly confused idea. I think it evolved from people saying "the asexual end of the spectrum" or something.

 

The problem with the concept is that when you break it down it makes no sense. When does one get off the "sexual" spectrum and on to the "aseuxal" one? The answer is never because it's all part of one spectrum

 

So, nope, no asexual spectrum. Just a sexual one which includes sexuals on one ends, gray sexuals and demi's in the middle, then aces at the other end

[Yatagarasu]

My story is very similar to that of daisylove. I grew up with a very sexual mother who really cared about my sex education and I always thought that sex is necessary. I questioned my sexuality many times as a result of it, because I thought "maybe I'm just not straight?". Yet my interest in sex has been always very vague and completely faded away throughout the years. I realized that my motives always revolved around aesthetic factor of a particular human and platonic attachment, but there was never any sexual and/or romantic feelings towards them. Mother told me many times that I'd grow out of it, but here I am.

 

As for you, do whatever makes sense to you. Observe and analyze your actions and never let anyone define you. 

[Zyden]

On 08/11/2017 at 5:09 AM, Jade Cross said:

 

"You'll grow out of it"

 

If I had a dollar every time someone reacted with asinine responses like this, I'd be a rich, retired man just focusing on sharpening my cosplay making skills.

 

I'd have enough dollars to fill a sock and hit them in the face with it.

 

Personally I grew more into asexuality with age. It can go both ways.

[thylacine]

"You'll grow out of it."

 

Yeah?  I'm 53.  People are still waiting for me to grow out of it.

 

No, seriously, I don't tell many people I'm asexual, but basically, I'm still asexual.

 

But being 53, people used to say, "When are you going to get married?"  Now that I'm ancient history, people say, "How come you never got married?"

 

So it's a relief to be 53 because people annoy me a lot less.  They just figure I'm nothing but a pitiful old maid and leave me alone these days.

[Pramana]

The "asexual spectrum" is a colloquial term that refers to the aggregate of asexuality, gray-asexuality, and demisexuality (the bottom part of the sexual intensity spectrum – as represented in the AVEN symbol). The term "ace" has also gained currency as an umbrella term, popularized after being suggested by David Jay at a conference in San Francisco in 2011. We see these usages in the Asexual Census 2015 report:

"To avoid ambiguity, “ace” or “ace respondents” will be used to refer to the aggregate “asexual spectrum”, consisting of people identifying as asexual, demisexual, or gray-asexual, while “asexual” will be used to refer to those who identify specifically as “asexual”." https://asexualcensus.files.wordpress.com/2017/10/2015_ace_census_summary_report.pdf

The Asexuality Archive glossary provides a similar definition:

"Ace Spectrum: The grouping of asexual, demisexual, and gray-asexual under a single umbrella of related sexual orientation."
http://www.asexualityarchive.com/glossary/

In addition, the majority of academics publishing on asexuality have used the phrase in this colloquial sense, and in addition some have used the terminology of a spectrum in a more technical sense, arguing that the concept of a spectrum better reflects the complexities of sexual orientations.

[Guest]

On 11/17/2017 at 4:05 PM, Puck said:

No, it's a commonly confused idea. I think it evolved from people saying "the asexual end of the spectrum" or something.

 

The problem with the concept is that when you break it down it makes no sense. When does one get off the "sexual" spectrum and on to the "aseuxal" one? The answer is never because it's all part of one spectrum

 

So, nope, no asexual spectrum. Just a sexual one which includes sexuals on one ends, gray sexuals and demi's in the middle, then aces at the other end

I agree with what you're saying. I'm strongly against the idea of an 'asexual spectrum' because anyone who attempts to define it then goes on to include all sorts of very normal sexual behavior (like only desiring sexual intimacy with someone once you've formed a bond with them) as 'part of the ace spectrum'. We can see this exact thing happening in the comment above mine which just drives the whole concept of asexuality into a nonsensical mess.

 

However, as opposed to seeing it all as one big spectrum, I like to imagine it as all the variations of sexuality on the sexual spectrum (because some people want it four times a day, some only four times a year, and everything in between, haha) then asexuality is there on it's own as a separate thing. All the people who have no desire to connect sexually with others for pleasure, ever, which is like 1% if that are standing on their own separate little dot. Then the vast majority of the rest of the population is over there on their own scale feeling all confused by the little splosh of 1% loners  

[Pramana]

4 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

I agree with what you're saying. I'm strongly against the idea of an 'asexual spectrum' because anyone who attempts to define it then goes on to include all sorts of very normal sexual behavior (like only desiring sexual intimacy with someone once you've formed a bond with them) as 'part of the ace spectrum'. We can see this exact thing happening in the comment above mine which just drives the whole concept of asexuality into a nonsensical mess.

The current terminology works for the AVEN Project Team and the Community Census, and this terminology has evolved within the community for reasons of discursive history and communicative efficacy. I would add that demisexuality is usually defined as only experiencing sexual attraction towards people with whom one has an emotional or romantic connection, which is different from not desiring sex unless one has formed said connection. For example, the Asexuality Archive glossary provides the following definition:

"Demisexual: A demisexual does not experience sexual attraction unless they have already formed a strong emotional bond with the person. The bond may or may not be romantic in nature. Please note that there is a difference between demisexuality, which involves attraction, and “I don’t have sex unless I love someone”, which has to do with behaviour." http://www.asexualityarchive.com/glossary/
 

4 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

However, as opposed to seeing it all as one big spectrum, I like to imagine it as all the variations of sexuality on the sexual spectrum (because some people want it four times a day, some only four times a year, and everything in between, haha) then asexuality is there on it's own as a separate thing. All the people who have no desire to connect sexually with others for pleasure, ever, which is like 1% if that are standing on their own separate little dot. Then the vast majority of the rest of the population is over there on their own scale feeling all confused by the little splosh of 1% loners  

I think you're talking about variations in libido here, rather than orientation. In addition, I've talked to a number of leading asexuality researchers who are all of the view that asexuals can desire partnered sex, partly because that has been established in asexual community history, and partly because it's a consequence of the logic of sexual orientations (the distinction between reasons for having sex, versus a psychological state or a disposition that orients one towards particular types of people). I also read a recent philosophy paper which argues that desires for sexual pleasure cannot be used to define orientations because there are anhedonic people who are unable to gain pleasure from sexual intimacy (see Robin Dembroff's 2016 paper What Is Sexual Oriention?).

The 1% figure is based on a survey where one of the options was "I have never experienced sexual attraction to anyone", although it should also be noted that David Jay initially defined asexuality as a continuum encompassing degrees of negligible feelings of sexual attraction, and historically people have identified as asexual for a variety of reasons. Andrew Hinderliter (academic and former AVEN Project Team member) provides an overview of that history on his old Asexual Explorations blog: 

https://web.archive.org/web/20150223155151/http://www.asexualexplorations.net:80/home/history_of_definition.html
https://web.archive.org/web/20150316224801/http://www.asexualexplorations.net:80/home/reflections.html

[Astryda]

On 17/11/2017 at 4:05 AM, Puck said:

No, it's a commonly confused idea. I think it evolved from people saying "the asexual end of the spectrum" or something.

 

The problem with the concept is that when you break it down it makes no sense. When does one get off the "sexual" spectrum and on to the "aseuxal" one? The answer is never because it's all part of one spectrum

 

So, nope, no asexual spectrum. Just a sexual one which includes sexuals on one ends, gray sexuals and demi's in the middle, then aces at the other end

Or if you look at it in another way, asexuals stand aside of sexual spectrum. They are not a part of it, they are separate. That's because asexuals don't experience sexual attraction, while sexuals do. And since gray-a's, demisexuals and other similar people are able to experience sexual attraction (even though under various circumstances), they form a sexual group.

But yeah, still no asexual spectrum.

[Pramana]

1 hour ago, Astryda said:

Or if you look at it in another way, asexuals stand aside of sexual spectrum. They are not a part of it, they are separate. That's because asexuals don't experience sexual attraction, while sexuals do. And since gray-a's, demisexuals and other similar people are able to experience sexual attraction (even though under various circumstances), they form a sexual group.

But yeah, still no asexual spectrum.

The asexual spectrum is a term the community has invented to refer to the the bottom part of the sexuality spectrum. It is like how the word "automobile" was invented to refer to both cars and trucks, or more precisely how one might use the term "light blue spectrum" to refer to several light shades of blue on the blue colour spectrum. In that sense, it's not really the kind of thing that can be right or wrong. The current terminology evolved out of David Jay's choice to define asexuality more precisely in AVEN FAQs as encompassing both absent and low degrees of sexual attraction, and the reason that more nuanced definition wasn't used on AVEN's main page was for outside visibility purposes. It should also be kept in mind that current research suggests that, for example, a lot of people who identify as heterosexual aren't exclusively so, but may in fact be slightly bisexual. Probably due to asexuality being an online community and the nature of online discourse, there's a tendency in the asexuality community to go to hairsplitting lengths when discussing terminology which may not reflect outside world practical realities.