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I hate being "female"


lavenderbastet

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lavenderbastet

CW: sexual assault, gender questioning/dysphoria(?), mental illness

 

I'm asexual, either aromatic or panromantic, 22 years old, "female", sex repulsed, and touch adverse. (Need any more labels? :)) Anyways, I really just need to tell someone all of this. There isn't really anyone else I can tell the whole thing to or anywhere else I can say this. 

 

I hate being female. I hate being a woman. I hate being constrained in these stupid, artificial, culturally-constructed, farcical boundaries. I want to run away and live in a cabin in the middle of the wilderness with books and cats where I don't have to fit myself into society's boxes. (Figurative boxes, not literal boxes. :) )  

 

If I woke up and suddenly wasn't female I'd be happy. No more dealing with useless breasts that hurt my back. Breasts are more trouble than they are worth. I have no use for them. Tbh, if I look in the mirror naked I have trouble grasping the concept of "Those breasts are mine". No more female reproductive tract. Pregnancy, imo, is horrifying. The idea of a parasitic organism I don't want controlling my life from inside of me is horrific. I have no use for a female reproductive tract. I'm ace, aro, and sex repulsed. I don't like babies- they make me panic. The only purpose I actually use is the hormones. Which I am not a fan of. A female reproductive tract is more of a liability than anything else. It makes me vulnerable to vaginal rape and pregnancy. Those are two of my worst nightmares because it involves something else having control over me. I've had quite a few panic attacks over those because neither is impossible. I know way too many women who've been vaginally raped and way too many women who've gotten pregnant on birth control. I make the panic attacks be less panicky by telling myself that if something had control over me I'd kill it (a fetus or a rapist). Being female means injustice is normal. Being female means pain is normal. Being female means fear is normal. 

 

The part I'm angriest about is that due to a couple of biological traits I don't want I'm expected to give control of my body and my life to others .  I find it as ridiculous as if society expected me to give control of my body and my life due to acne. I hate being female and I hate being coerced because I'm female. An example: the gynecologist. I have a family history of cancer, ect of the female reproductive tract. I also have irregular, painful, heavy periods that are mostly blot clots. I'm currently on the Depo shot. I'm always terrified the gyno will insist on a pelvic exam or transvaginal ultrasound. So far she's been a good doctor but I'm always terrified she'll insist. Then I'd have to be like "No, not going to happen." I really don't want to have the "You are broken somehow/if you dont i wont treat you" conversation. Then if she'd insist I'd have leave the appointment and find a new gyno. I'd end up paying for the appointment out of pocket, and finding a good respectful gyno is like trying to find a unicorn. Basically impossible. Also, I'd be super angry and sad at her for being a jerk when I thought she was decent.

 

I wish I could just get it all removed. However, knowing how doctors think/how our society works, they'd probably insist on therapy (which would probably be code for "make them submit to gender roles") or a pelvic exam, or say I'm too young, or some bull. Tbh, sometimes I've thought of just stabbing my abdomen in that area to the point where it'd all be destroyed and then call 911 and then not have to deal with all the pre-operation bull. However, I won't do that b/c I have no desire to puncture my intestines and they'd probably figure a way to patchwork it all together (d/t the whole "females must have female reproductive tract unless they are old and have kids" thing) and then expect me to thank them. Then they'd probably put me in the psych ward and I've been to the psych ward before. Not going back. Went once d/t medication reaction, so many locked doors, so much micromanagement, and they restrained me b/c they had take blood and I was like "oh fuck no" because I had a phobia of needles. Nope, that messed me up for years because being controlled that much was traumatizing. 

 

Thank you for reading this. I just really needed to vent b/c I've been keeping all of this bottled up. 

 

 

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Galactic Turtle

I have many of the same feelings as you do. I think the way women are viewed and treated by many societies is disgusting. If my breasts, reproductive system, and hips could be gone tomorrow I wouldn't miss it. I had a very strong and distinct girlhood. I went to an all girls school my entire life until I got to college. I feel very much part of the female psyche despite being aro ace because of my strong relationships with other women while growing up however I wish there was an "opt out" choice. I don't want to be seen as a vessel for fetuses, I don't want to be seen as a body with a vagina. I wish I could be visibly separate from it all, unfailingly gender ambiguous, but the best I can do is carry myself the way I'd like to and the way that feels best for me. If I went to a doctor and asked them to close up my vagina I know they'd probably think I have a problem but... it just really sucks being stuck in a body with so much.... idk... I just don't like it.

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I mostly agree with your perspective. That said, when I really think about it, I'm not too keen on the idea of having a male reproductive system either. It's also pretty gross. I've just decided to accept my physical body the way it is.

 

In terms of gender roles though, you can be any kind of person you want. My experience has been that other adults generally don't care whether or not you fit into standard gender roles. I do plenty of things that are stereotypically female, but I also do plenty of things that are stereotypically male. Some of those things cause relational strife, mostly with my insular in-laws, but for the most part, people don't care.

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