frayseuxality? is it real? or am i overthinking this (the answer is probably yes)?

[whatthduck]

hi everyone - i apologize if this is something that comes up frequently but i just need some guidance here. i recognize that being who i am (label or otherwise) is more important than anything, and all that said, i am confident in who i am, but i just wanted to see if i was off base or if i'm on to something.

 

i've been with my husband for 10 years total (only 4 years of marriage though). when we first started dating, we had sex a lot. i don't really remember much of our earlier relationship and all that from a sexual stand point, i just know it happened a lot. but what i do remember is about a year or so into the relationship i just stopped having sex as frequently. it kind of slowly dwindled and we're at a point now where we have sex maybe once a month (if that), and it's usually because internally i feel horrible that we aren't having sex and want to do it to make him feel like i still care.

 

everything about our relationship is fine otherwise. we're happy, we are financially stable, we both have good jobs, we have no kids, and we live far enough away from family that they don't really play a role into our sex life. i do sometimes find myself wishing he was more "spontaneous" like he was when we were first starting off with dating (he used to surprise me with gifts in my car or leave me little love notes after he left to go back to where he was - we were long distance), but i also know that love changes and considering we're both working adults now and not in that "romantic, honeymoon" phase, his spontaneous acts of love are different. 

 

overall, i could sum this up in one sentence: i love my husband dearly, and i do get turned on and find myself wanting to have sex with him, but the actual act of sex is 99.99% of time dissatisfying or completely unwanted on my end. and let me be clear, it's not because my husband is bad at his job lol i'm down with foreplay, i love the kissing, the connection there, but the moment sex becomes a possibility i'm completely done. no want or need for it. i've actually jokingly exclaimed i could never have sex again and probably be fine.

 

i've read up on the ace community, but i never felt like i fit there because i do experience sexual attraction and arousal. but i recently read up on a term called fraysexual, which is essentially sexual attraction fades and/or becomes nonexistent after someone gets to know another person (so the opposite of demisexual). many people kind of dismiss this as "what normally happens in a relationship" and maybe that's what's happening here with me. 

 

to me it just seems so strange that despite the fact i do have sexual feelings for my husband, sex doesn't really seem like the way for me to show him that i desire him. i wish there was a way to channel what i want from sex into another realm. because i think i do want sex - but i also...don't? is it possible i want what sex symbolizes, but sex isn't how i want it to be conveyed? to me, sex is about showing you love someone, and it's about that bond and that closeness; and to me, i feel like there are better ways to show that than with sex, but i also recognize that sex is such a key part to a relationship and it bothers me i feel like i can't get that part done.

 

i guess the biggest draw back to not having sex with my husband is the fact i feel like a terrible wife. if i could get over the guilt i feel for not being able to provide for him sexually, i think i'd be happy as a clam (who even uses that phrase anymore). my husband and i talk about this - as in the lack of sex, not so much the possibility of being ace - often, and he promises me we're okay and he's okay with this, but i still feel bad i can't provide for him in this way. he used to get very frustrated, but now, whether it's out of having to accept it or because he truly does accept it, he say he's fine. i guess i also just worry that he may leave me or find sex elsewhere.

 

i plan on talking with my therapist about this as well, just to rule out any subconscious things that are preventing me from maintaining that connection. i used to think it was my birth control, but i've been off my birth control since we got married and nothing has really changed. i also used to think it might have been my anxiety, but that has gotten better and again, nothing has really changed. i've talked with my OBGYN, and we thought perhaps it had to do with a lack of fluid production on my part, so we tried lube but i'm apparently super sensitive to most lubes and it causes infections that are not fun.

 

any advice or guidance? i feel like i'm doing the right things in ruling out other factors, and this is honestly one of the last stops. i never considered asexuality because of my sexual attraction and arousal for my husband; even though the act of sex doesn't do it for me. i just assumed because i DO experience sexual attraction and arousal, that takes me out of the ace talk.

 

thank you for reading

[CosineTheCat]

Heyyo! 

 

Just to give you some information about me, I identify as demisexual and I have a cupiorom-sexual partner. Just from reading your story, it also makes me think of  Cupiosexuality is a subset of asexual. It is used to describe asexuals (people who never experience sexual attraction) who still desire a sexual relationship or intimacy. Honestly, I do think it's really good on your part to rule out all other options because so often people do not and there is always that question left. As of your relationship as a whole, as long as both you and your husband are happy with your sex life, there is no reason to feel guilty. There is so much more to sex than PiV and really, it's about what you consider is intimacy with your partner. I find it extremely difficult to put people in boxes with labels because things change over time. Sexuality changes. Relationship changes. Another thing is always to think about compromising over certain things. Do you feel okay providing without reciprocation or is it a big, no way? Have you guys talked about opening up your marraige for possible needs being met, but opening up means on both of your terms or else it is cheating . Communication is key. It sounds like you guys talk a lot, so as long as you openly communicate about expectation and desires, you should be able to work through this. 

[MoraDollie]

Fraysexual is basically the opposite of demisexual, so yes, it's totally possible to be fraysexual (having sexual attraction on a regular basis for strangers and/or acquaintances and then fading as you get to know them) is totally plausible. 

[whatthduck]

On 11/7/2017 at 0:40 PM, CosineTheCat said:

Heyyo! 

 

Just to give you some information about me, I identify as demisexual and I have a cupiorom-sexual partner. Just from reading your story, it also makes me think of  Cupiosexuality is a subset of asexual. It is used to describe asexuals (people who never experience sexual attraction) who still desire a sexual relationship or intimacy. Honestly, I do think it's really good on your part to rule out all other options because so often people do not and there is always that question left. As of your relationship as a whole, as long as both you and your husband are happy with your sex life, there is no reason to feel guilty. There is so much more to sex than PiV and really, it's about what you consider is intimacy with your partner. I find it extremely difficult to put people in boxes with labels because things change over time. Sexuality changes. Relationship changes. Another thing is always to think about compromising over certain things. Do you feel okay providing without reciprocation or is it a big, no way? Have you guys talked about opening up your marraige for possible needs being met, but opening up means on both of your terms or else it is cheating . Communication is key. It sounds like you guys talk a lot, so as long as you openly communicate about expectation and desires, you should be able to work through this. 

Thank you for responding I have, on several occasions, considered the possibility of opening our marriage up. I've never discussed it with my husband, but I've thought of offering that up because I do feel bad that I can't provide for him in that way... But every time I think of my husband being with someone else it hurts me a lot - feels like a punch in the gut. So even though I feel bad that I can't give him that experience, I can't even begin to imagine someone else doing it for him while we're together. I don't know if that makes me selfish or just truly reaffirms how much I really do love him... or something else entirely.

 

And, as far as reciprocation, it's tough. I'm usually okay with everything up to the point of what I guess you'd call traditionally viewed sex lol I have, on countless occasions, had it to have it, even though by the time the action is happening I'm not really feeling it at all. When that happens, though, it feels...wrong. I feel like if I'm going to do it it should be something I do and I'm invested in, and not just going through the motions to appease a drive. I'm honestly totally good with everything that leads up to the big moment, but once the spoon is in the pot it's like "no i did not want this, why did i want this" and my libido tanks almost instantly. When it happens and I'm not into it, it feels like there's something wrong with me and that maybe it's because I'm no longer in love with my husband. But I try not to stew on those thoughts for long because they make me anxious and sad lol 

 

There are some very rare times where I feel everything is 100% in sync, I'm in to it and really enjoying it. I'm okay with giving my husband what he needs via other methods, and honestly, I've been trying to find other ways to do that since the idea of traditional sex is not appealing to me. But I also feel bad because I don't want to initiate something if I don't feel like I can follow through... if that makes sense. Anyways... I have no idea if I even answered your question. I think I'm going to do some more research, and definitely talk with my therapist just to make sure it's not a mental block, versus something else that I would say is uncontrolled (but okay!). 

[Stheg]

You mention you were on birth control when you were dating. Did stopping birth control coincide with your decreased interest in sex? I say this be because some kinds of birth control can cause you to have a sex drive when you wouldn't otherwise or significantly increase a very limited sex drive. Certain kinds of birth control make me want sex even though cognitively, I know I don't want sex. Off of birth control, I'm my normal asexual self. I will clarify that birth control doesn't give you sexual attraction, but it can make sex more attractive with someone if you already have some kind of romantic connection.

 

You also mention wanting sex for what it signifies and not what it is as a possibility. I would say that is a possibility.