Jump to content

Doubts Still Happen


butterflydreams

Recommended Posts

butterflydreams

I’m almost 27 months on HRT, and over 630 days of living as a woman all the time. I have permanent breasts. Almost all of my documents are changed. I’m seriously considering orchiectomy within the next year.

 

And sometimes I still wonder, am I really trans? How could I possibly be trans? Do I have enough childhood history to say that I am? There’s always this feeling like you have to be ready to justify yourself to anyone at any time. Sometimes I panic at the thought of how much I’ve done and how hard it would be to go back. But I don’t even want to go back. There’s still this feeling of not having enough of a history. I never cross dressed (not really) for example.

 

I guess I just wanted to put it out there that doubting doesn’t ever really stop. And I wonder, has anyone else has felt this way? Surely if it weren’t right, I would’ve noticed long ago, right? I’ve been on HRT for a long time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

That part of the brain can go dormant sometimes, but I don't think it ever goes away. For me, my transition feels so fleeting, like I could wake up any second now in my pre-transition life/body. I couldn't imagine going back, but the 'what if' will always linger. These conversations are really important to have because of all the 'trans enough' worries that are so common among those of us who aren't cis.

 

I'm personally having a bad dysphoria day though, worst I've had in a long time, so my brain's currently a little more stuck on the "why wasn't I born cis" question than the "am I trans enough" questioning.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah I totally feel like this. I think it helps to just say "fuck it" to those feelings/doubts and just focus on what you do know. If you know what you want and what makes you happy then it's just a waste of time and energy to dwell on the type of question that no one can really answer anyway. So whenever I start getting those "damn what if I'm wrong" feelings I just try to think about how weird and unlikely it would be that I've done all the things I've done (even though none are nonreversible yet) if I had been comfortable living the way I lived before. 

And if I was uncomfortable with being that way enough to endure the tough and scary parts of living this way, then what does it really matter whether I'm right or wrong? What matters is to feel okay with yourself instead of being miserable, that should be right enough.

 

Also, a way to simplify the "am I really trans?" question.. Even if no one can really answer it beyond any doubt, for me it helps to remember that in a sense trans simply means not identifying as what you were assigned or assumed at birth. So... you know, if you were born and raised male, but you know for sure that you're more comfortable in a female body and being seen as female, I think the answer is very clear.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm having this all the time, and not even on HRT yet :|.

 

But then something hits me on the road again, an experience during my lifetime pops up from the dark by someone. And I'm like, yea, well. See, you have so much proof of what you did, and still do. How can I not be? The fact I'm getting euphoric over some things. And just generally feel bad around others ':(, you're so lucky'... 

 

And then I just retreat into my female protagonist game(s) again. Yes, I have played The Sims, and always my family just consisted of 2 girls. I've played GTA 5, and most of my cars were pink xD. I can't ever remember playing a male character in a MMORPG... And this goes back to  my puberty years.

 

I don't cross dress either. I'm too self aware of how I look. And I just wear, what fits. By societies standards for now. I like all these cute clothes and stuff. The frilly things. But seeing me wear them, is one way ticket to hell.

 

I'll find something in 2 years that suits me, in which I finally can take joy in wearing the clothes I care about. Instead of just having something on... and be meh...

 

What can I say? The ways I act online, people thought I was a girl. I didn't pretend to do it. But people honestly thought genuinely so. That's until I told them they were mistaken and were talking to a male bodied person. 

 

What I also discovered is that, just how well I can easily connect with other transwomen, or funny that how online the most comfortable groups of people have been usually LGBT oriented... Without me really ever noticing how it really resonated from me with them too. 

 

https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/

 

When I read this one... it just clicks.

 

And I could've written this article word by word too

 

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlize-veritas/transgender-people-video-games_b_9205330.html

Link to post
Share on other sites
butterflydreams
31 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I couldn't imagine going back, but the 'what if' will always linger. These conversations are really important to have because of all the 'trans enough' worries that are so common among those of us who aren't cis.

These days, I don’t necessarily worry that I’ll go back. Going back honestly horrifies me. Even thinking about cutting my hair back to it’s old length almost makes me cry. 

 

I guess sometimes I just feel like I couldn’t defend my position as being trans if I were pressed. How do I know I’m female? I just do. Everything works better this way. I’m more apt to make friends. I like taking pictures of myself and seeing myself in the mirror too. I can envision a life past 30 even.

 

1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I'm personally having a bad dysphoria day though, worst I've had in a long time, so my brain's currently a little more stuck on the "why wasn't I born cis" question than the "am I trans enough" questioning.

*Hugs* I know this feeling so so so well. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about kids and just feeling like an absolute failure that I can’t just do it. I wasn’t born cis and I have no hope in hell. Everything I love in the world, everything that I’ve learned, all the things I’d like to share, they all die with me. I wish more than anything in the world that I was cis. My advice on that is to get friends who basically see you as cis. It makes a big difference.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey pretty lady, never apologize for being yourself. You’re accountable to no one <3 

 

Alsobthe ability to procreate does not make somebody male or female. There’s a lot of people who are cis and can’t have or don’t want children for various reasons including medical issues. Personally, I’d love children but my condition is very likely to have robbed me of that. And that’s ok, because there are a lot of kids in foster care who need loving mums or dads :) 

Link to post
Share on other sites
butterflydreams
19 hours ago, Ciri said:

 

Alsobthe ability to procreate does not make somebody male or female.

I know. It’s just a hurtful reminder of not being cis. Just like walking on eggshells when trying to find someone for a relationship.

 

After thinking about it more, I suspect a lot of my “doubt” comes from still feeling like I’m not meeting expectations of family. And like I’m not doing enough to be what they want. How dare I look after myself and do what’s best for me?

 

Thinking about surgery of any kind, I wonder, what if this is a mistake? While at the same time struggling with the dysphoria the pieces cause me. I worry, am I not obviously female enough? A lot of trans women I’ve seen are so obviously women. Am I? My friend said of a recent photo, “your face is so feminine”. But I still get misgendered. I don’t know what to think. I’d like to be one of those people for whom boy mode just fails. I feel like I could easily pass as a guy again if I wanted to.

 

It sucks to doubt yourself like this. I wonder if having a lot of the dysphoria fixed has made the trans feelings less noticeable. That would be good. That would make me feel a lot better. Sometimes I think, “well, do you want to have your boobs removed?” And the answer is a hell fucking no. I feel like I earned this body. I love having a real chest that’s mine.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I question myself everyday but it always comes back to that it just feels right.

 

I can relate to much what Phoenix is saying about games and that.

The difference is that i crossdress from time to time. Mostly because of the things i wear beneath that creates the shapes. They just makes me relax.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...