Asexual or uninterested?

[emilyemma]

Hi everyone. I've been ocassionally visiting this site for years, and I finally decided to post. So I do apologise for putting my entire life story on here, but any advice or discussion is welcome

 

Basically, I've never been very interested in sex, as a teenager I actually hated it when my friends discussed it all the time, because I found it a bit gross and didn't even want to do it (or maybe once, to see what it's like...). I had crushes and wanted a romantic relationship, but I called myself asexual in front of some people (not even knowing the meaning entirely).

It sort of changed with time, when I was 19 (!) I discovered what being turned on felt like, and when I started a relationship with a guy I found attractive (I should say, attractive as in good-looking, interesting etc., and with time I developed a romantic attraction, not sure about sexual attraction), I was sure that with time I would feel comfortable enough to have a normal sex life. Unfortunately, we weren't really getting there, and he suggested a couple of times that maybe I was asexual, which I actually resented a lot. I thought that I wanted to have sex, or I wished I did, I was just super self-conscious and really scared of it being embarassing or something.

I rationalised it, blaming it partly on my avoidant personality, partly on my upbringing, and I figured I would just need more time, but he didn't want to wait. I was then single for quite a while, and to be honest, quite stressed about the fact that I was still very much a virgin, didn't know how to act in intimate situations, and was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I just couldn't understand how these things come naturally to people, and I wondered if maybe I really was asexual.

 

Now, recently I met a guy, we are getting along really well and things are actually going fast. We haven't had sex, but we've done other stuff, which I enjoyed, and I'm surprised how comfortable I am around him. I can definitely feel my body respond to being close to him, but I feel like it doesn't connect with my brain, if that makes sense? Like, it's nice, but even in the moment I find myself thinking about the awkwardness of the situation, and that I'm not really sure why I'm doing it. I also don't feel attracted to him really - I love spending time with him, I like holding hands, I don't mind kissing etc. (usually, when I kiss people it's like a "tick a box of kissing someone a few times a year" kinda thing - again a sign of asexuality? with him and my ex, it feels more natural and nice, but never really mindblowing I would say...)

but when I ask myself, do I find this guy attractive, or do I have feelings for him, the answer is usually "not sure/not yet", which I'm worried about because I think we're both getting quite attached to each other.

 

I don't know what I'm asking here, I don't really expect any advice, but would like to know how you guys deal with these types of situations. And mainly whether you think I might be asexual, or just overthinking everything?

 

Thanks

[Lichley]

Asexuality is just the lack of sexual attraction, so if you don't think you've ever felt sexually attracted to anyone then you could definitely be asexual. A lot of people misunderstand the parameters for being asexual, anything from masturbation, kinks and fetishes, to your willingness to provide sex for your partner despite a lack of attraction.You can still be romantic and fall in love and ace deep and meaningful relationships, it just means you don't desire to have sex with them.

Another thing to mention is that you shouldn't be embarrassed about being a virgin. A lot of people push themselves to do it because of societal pressure, even if they're not ready. If you are willing to provide sex for your partner then you can do so, but you shouldn't feel pressured to do something because society expects it of you. Take your time, go at your own pace, and most importantly communicate your needs to your partner, and explain how your feeling.

[emilyemma]

Thank you! I'm never sure to be honest, I think I've felt attracted to people, but it didn't translate into actually wanting to have sex with them in real life if that makes sense? (I could provide more details on how I feel about this guy now, but the post was already super long..)

 

As for the embarrassment, I am fully aware that it's social pressure, it just makes it harder to form relationships, because guys feel weird about it, especially when they're not too serious... but I guess that just helps in eliminating the wrong guys  it was more that I felt extremely uncomfortable with anything sexual even when I was with my ex for months, and I thought it would always be like that, and that was quite stressful.

[Lichley]

It's okay to feel uncomfortable with sexual things. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong, it's just not your cup of tea. Also this cute little info graphic may help.

 

[emilyemma]

I love the graphic it is super cute