Is It Sexual Attraction? Fantasizing versus Real Life

[CharlieCelestia]

Hi everyone,

 

So since about June of this year, I’ve identified as demisexual. I was looking up different sexualities for characters in a story I’m planning to write, and when I came across the definition for demisexuality, something just clicked. In high school, I was never really in dating and sex like other people my age were. I mean, I liked the idea of having a boyfriend, but I only felt comfortable with the idea of dating if I was with someone I was already very close friends with. For example, I met my first, current and only boyfriend in 2012 and hooked up in 2015 after spending that time getting to know each other on a more personal level. He’s pretty much the only guy, past and present, that I feel comfortable and enjoy engaging in sexual activities with. These experiences were what convinced me that I was demisexual, since the word “straight” didn’t really seem to fit for some reason.

 

Here’s what I’ve been struggling with, though it’s probably because I’ve only been using the label for a short time or I’m just overthinking what counts as being 100% demisexual. I can look at complete stranger and go, “Oh, they’re pretty attractive”, but there’s no urge to have sex with them (I think this is what aesthetic attraction is?).

 

With fictional characters and certain celebrities, it’s...different. I’ve always been more attracted to fictional characters like Link from the Zelda games than real people, but I also have a huge crush on Dan Avidan from Game Grumps/Ninja Sex Party and thought that Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston were pretty good-looking in Thor: Ragnorok. Am I attracted to them because they’re detached from reality so it’s easier to bond with them? I have a feeling that if I met Hemsworth or Hiddleston in real life, I wouldn’t immediately want to have sex with them. Or is it a different kind of attraction altogether?

 

All of these different levels and types of attraction are really confusing sometimes and I’m just worried that I’m not really demisexual.

[The Gnat (Natalie)]

12 hours ago, CharlieCelestia said:

Hi everyone,

 

So since about June of this year, I’ve identified as demisexual. I was looking up different sexualities for characters in a story I’m planning to write, and when I came across the definition for demisexuality, something just clicked. In high school, I was never really in dating and sex like other people my age were. I mean, I liked the idea of having a boyfriend, but I only felt comfortable with the idea of dating if I was with someone I was already very close friends with. For example, I met my first, current and only boyfriend in 2012 and hooked up in 2015 after spending that time getting to know each other on a more personal level. He’s pretty much the only guy, past and present, that I feel comfortable and enjoy engaging in sexual activities with. These experiences were what convinced me that I was demisexual, since the word “straight” didn’t really seem to fit for some reason.

 

Here’s what I’ve been struggling with, though it’s probably because I’ve only been using the label for a short time or I’m just overthinking what counts as being 100% demisexual. I can look at complete stranger and go, “Oh, they’re pretty attractive”, but there’s no urge to have sex with them (I think this is what aesthetic attraction is?).

 

With fictional characters and certain celebrities, it’s...different. I’ve always been more attracted to fictional characters like Link from the Zelda games than real people, but I also have a huge crush on Dan Avidan from Game Grumps/Ninja Sex Party and thought that Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston were pretty good-looking in Thor: Ragnorok. Am I attracted to them because they’re detached from reality so it’s easier to bond with them? I have a feeling that if I met Hemsworth or Hiddleston in real life, I wouldn’t immediately want to have sex with them. Or is it a different kind of attraction altogether?

 

All of these different levels and types of attraction are really confusing sometimes and I’m just worried that I’m not really demisexual.

Hi! Welcome to AVEN  Before I start talking, of course, I must offer you cake, as is the custom here  

 

Anyway, I don't think what you're describing makes you any less demi. I'm demiromantic (and would also tend to say demisensual, as well), and I really resonate with what you said about it being easier to feel attracted to someone when there's that sense of detachment. Since you said the term is new to you, I'm going to go ahead and mention a couple others in case you haven't heard of them. Aegosexuality or autochorissexuality describe that feeling of finding a person (or situation) attractive when you're detached from them. It's something I (and a good number of a-specs) experience.

 

That's all I've got for you, but I just wanted to offer some reassurance that it's totally normal to like sexual or romantic stuff in theory but not in practice. You're not alone in it, and it definitely doesn't preclude you from identifying as demi.

[CharlieCelestia]

Thank you so much! *noms on cake*

[lazypanda]

2 hours ago, CharlieCelestia said:

With fictional characters and certain celebrities, it’s...different.

Story of my life !!!!! 

I fantasize about celebs and fictional characers all the time....but I am 100% sure I wouldn't sleep with any of the celebs if I had an opportunity to do so. I had the same questions as you,but I remember reading somewhere on aven that fantazising is not the same as sexual attraction. That makes sense,fantasizing and actually doing it are two very diiferent things. I have always fantasized about jumping of the waterfall cliff like pocanhantas and diving perfectly into the river below without breaking my head on the rocks below (sorry,first example that came to me)....but I'm never going to do it !!! So,does fantasizing about it make me as cool as pocahantas(the fake one atleast) ?? No !!!! Similarly, fantasizing about sex doesn't mean you feel sexual attraction. I know its a bad analogy...but i couldn't think of anything better to explain it !!! 

[CharlieCelestia]

1 hour ago, lazypanda said:

Story of my life !!!!! 

I fantasize about celebs and fictional characers all the time....but I am 100% sure I wouldn't sleep with any of the celebs if I had an opportunity to do so. I had the same questions as you,but I remember reading somewhere on aven that fantazising is not the same as sexual attraction. That makes sense,fantasizing and actually doing it are two very diiferent things. I have always fantasized about jumping of the waterfall cliff like pocanhantas and diving perfectly into the river below without breaking my head on the rocks below (sorry,first example that came to me)....but I'm never going to do it !!! So,does fantasizing about it make me as cool as pocahantas(the fake one atleast) ?? No !!!! Similarly, fantasizing about sex doesn't mean you feel sexual attraction. I know its a bad analogy...but i couldn't think of anything better to explain it !!! 

That actually helps me a lot, knowing that they’re not the same thing. Thanks!

 

3 hours ago, The Gnat (Natalie) said:

Hi! Welcome to AVEN  Before I start talking, of course, I must offer you cake, as is the customer here  

 

Anyway, I don't think what you're describing makes you any less demi. I'm demiromantic (and would also tend to say demisensual, as well), and I really resonate with what you said about it being easier to feel attracted to someone when there's that sense of detachment. Since you said the term is new to you, I'm going to go ahead and mention a couple others in case you haven't heard of them. Aegosexuality or autochorissexuality describe that feeling of finding a person (or situation) attractive when you're detached from them. It's something I (and a good number of a-specs) experience.

 

That's all I've got for you, but I just wanted to offer some reassurance that it's totally normal to like sexual or romantic stuff in theory but not in practice. You're not alone in it, and it definitely doesn't preclude you from identifying as demi.

Thank you so much! *also noms on cake*

[rallyprint]

There are a lot of women I find attractive, but I don't think of sleeping with them. When I was younger I'd sometimes fantasize about being in a relationship with fictional characters, but it's been years and years since I last did that. Celebrities don't do much for me.

[CharlieCelestia]

So, I did some research on aegosexuality/autochorissexuality and I feel like that fits me a lot too. So is it possible to be both? Because in real life, I'm still only sexually attracted to my boyfriend.

[everywhere and nowhere]

Personally, I don't think that there is any reason for autochorissexuality/anegosexuality to be restricted to asexual/grace/demi people. After all, it's only a parameter which describes the way a person fantasizes. I think it's entirely possible for allosexual people as well to have a tendency to fantasize in third person. It's just more visible in ace-spectrum people, since research provided lots of data showing that asexuals, while having no sexual attraction and often on interest in having sex, are usually not devoid of any sexual feelings and fantasizing in third person seem particularly typical for aces who have erotic fantasies. It's just that in aces who have a libido, particularly if they are sex-averse/repulsed at the same time, this libido must find some outlet and one of the ways for it seems to be to imagine sex without entering the scary grounds of any vision of oneself having sex...

At least it goes like that for me, just like clockwork. I'm autochorissexual, but also sex-averse and imagining myself having sex feels gross, scary and wrong - not morally wrong, just in the sense of a very strong feeling that sex is not for me. But I also have some libido and enjoy having third-person fantasies. Btw, there is a common belief that gay sex is disgusting (quite often political homophobia pretends to be purely esthetic - as if even a fact that someone was doing something "ugly" or "disgusting" warranted depriving that person of their rights...), and I have long enjoyed imagining sex between men.