songchick Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 I am really embracing my Aceness lately. I usually have just put sex on the side and I don't think of it when I talk to my friends online, mostly sexual men. (I am female.) I recently have had some more physical cravings, so I was thinking of getting a partner. But now I am really learning that sex is something that I didn't think it was. I thought it had to do with appreciation for art and an aesthetic sense of beauty. But it's not. It's something raw and base and carnal. It really bothers and disgusts me. I think also about sex, it fucking hurts. I masturbate to no fantasies and only the end is good, everything else is annoying. My body just doesn't enjoy it, and I feel like that is the reason that I don't like it. But now that I am really sure I"m Ace, I'm worried that I won't be welcome by my friends anymore. That I would be like an antisocial freak or something. Sex and its pursuit is something that binds people together, but I just can't get my foot in the door. Never have. I feel like crying now, this sucks. Maybe I would find empowerment if I really became an advocate publicly or something. I have to investigate a bit further, but I think once I am 100% sure I'm ace I'll be into social awareness and stuff. We'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
Ennis Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Hey songchick! You sound quite distressed. Try to calm down a little, okay? It's a new thing for you and may seem scary but don't worry, it'll all work out. Have some cake. I guess most of us have been there. I don't think you're going to be antisocial (in this sense: "being or marked by behavior deviating sharply from the social norm"). Minorities are part of the norm. Some people may struggle to understand, others won't. Being ace won't make you a social outcast, at least in many societies it won't. Besides, you have all of AVEN behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
songchick Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 Yeah, you're right, I'm distressed now. I have previously considered that I am ace, but was touch and go. I'm really starting to realize that this IS who I am. I think the liberating thing will be that my feeling of sex being gross is not a reason to hate people. It's just not for me. That will help me be happier now. Link to post Share on other sites
The Gnat (Natalie) Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 I actually just started another thread talking about something similar to what I'm going to say here, but I think it's relevant, so I'm gonna post it here too. I was worried about the same thing. I felt like an outcast for a lot of years and for a lot of reasons, and I was afraid of becoming an outcast in yet another way. But tonight I came out to two of my really good friends, and one really encouraging thing one of them said to me was that she didn't feel like it was any new information about me, it was just being phrased in a different way. Point is: real friends are not going to judge or make you feel left out because they're allo and you're ace. I also think realizing I'm ace has helped me be more okay with my boundaries because I feel like I can explain them better if I need to now that I have a word for how I feel. Hope that helps Link to post Share on other sites
songchick Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 Definitely helps. 15 minutes ago, The Gnat (Natalie) said: I actually just started another thread talking about something similar to what I'm going to say here, but I think it's relevant, so I'm gonna post it here too. I was worried about the same thing. I felt like an outcast for a lot of years and for a lot of reasons, and I was afraid of becoming an outcast in yet another way. But tonight I came out to two of my really good friends, and one really encouraging thing one of them said to me was that she didn't feel like it was any new information about me, it was just being phrased in a different way. Point is: real friends are not going to judge or make you feel left out because they're allo and you're ace. I also think realizing I'm ace has helped me be more okay with my boundaries because I feel like I can explain them better if I need to now that I have a word for how I feel. Hope that helps Definitely helps. ALso with coming out, people understand you better on your terms, instead of making assumptions. Link to post Share on other sites
The Gnat (Natalie) Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 1 minute ago, songchick said: Definitely helps. Definitely helps. ALso with coming out, people understand you better on your terms, instead of making assumptions. I agree! Link to post Share on other sites
fuzzipueo Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 7 hours ago, songchick said: But now that I am really sure I"m Ace, I'm worried that I won't be welcome by my friends anymore. That I would be like an antisocial freak or something. Sex and its pursuit is something that binds people together, but I just can't get my foot in the door. Never have. I feel like crying now, this sucks. Maybe I would find empowerment if I really became an advocate publicly or something. I have to investigate a bit further, but I think once I am 100% sure I'm ace I'll be into social awareness and stuff. We'll If you have good friends, then they will be supportive. However, I gotta say, if sex was all that bound people together, then society would fall apart. It's only a tiny fraction of what makes society tick, and it's an ephemeral state at best. Surely you have more in common with your friends than who you each sleep with? Most of my friendships are based on interests that have nothing to do with sex: books, music, a love for science fiction and fantasy, history, science, which most of our discussions revolve around. If sex is brought up, it's a discussion about how differently humans and aliens do it and why Spock is a technical and biological impossibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Try to look at it from a different angle. Did anything change? You've been just the way you are before your recent discovery. All that happened is that (a) now there's a word to describe what you feel and (b) you're now certain that this is indeed what you feel. You're still the same person and I don't see a reason to treat you any differently now than one did, say, a couple of weeks ago. If someone does, they're not worth thinking about anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 From my experience. Since I "outed myself" (hate that term) as asexual friends and acquaintances lost = zero, friends and acquaintances gained through AVEN meetups probably around 100 Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Some of the most sociable and accepting people I have met recently have been aces. I did have a small group that treated me like I was a 'robot', but they were looking for someone to target anyway and were uneducated and very unhappy/insecure people, so there's no need to worry - I'm sure real friends will stay friends, after all it's your company they like , whether you're ace or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Copal_0 Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 I've had a pretty high level of social anxiety all my life and I would definitely describe myself as an introvert (even before I identified on the spectrum), but for me being asexual helps me understand myself better in public. I know this can also depend on the social scene you're in and age too. I'm also still trying to pick out my asexual-ness from my social anxiety. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 I’ve pretty much known I’m ace my whole life, and I’ve experienced feelings of isolation from my peers for as long as I can remember. I’ve even had a few people call me anti-social, so it’s not in your head. The important thing is to remember your sense of self-identity. My friend group always make inappropriate jokes and various sexual innuendoes. It makes me feel uncomfortable, but I also think it’s kind of funny. The first step is telling your friends your asexual and seeing how they respond. If your group dynamic doesn’t change, then you have nothing to worry about. You eventually get used to being different from them. It gets easier after awhile. Getting involved in the community definitely helps you feel less alone if there’s no one in your life who understands your sexual orientation. I hope everything goes well for you! 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
smiling_pal Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Hey, I am new here, so hello everyone. On the topic at hand... I kind of agree with what midnightlooks said, about experiencing feelings of isolation amongst peers and it getting easier with time. However, I am not sure if actually being vocal about it helps, especially if you are not sure of exactly who you are. To be honest, I have always had trouble understanding how your "identity" can actually help you define your sense of self. I know it sounds contradictory, but you are you, and your sexuality is just another layer. Becoming an advocate for something... That's a big compromise. Do you want to give up or relegate other parts of yourself for that one thing? Nah, that's not for me. In any case, I think that the people who are close to you, who love you for who you are, probably don't need things spelled out for them. I just think that we are in a tricky situation, regardless of whether we are vocal about our sexuality or not. Little by little you learn the social skills to bond with others and social interaction gets easier, yes, but then there is the downside to all of this, at least in my case: I see everyone around me slowly getting together, forming families, and, the older I get, the harder it is for me to make true friends when everyone is just so busy with their own lives and problems, especially since due to my work I am never in one place for more than a few years. You make friends, yes, but you won't be sharing your life with friends, not like you would with a partner. But of course, no sex, no deal. Even if you found the most understanding partner in the world, would you want to ask him or her to give up sex when you are not willing to have it? It's just SO tricky! And despite everything I have learned, despite the happiness I feel on my day to day, how can I really get rid of that creeping fear that one day I will find myself alone? And that's something I think many asexuals struggle with, whether or not they are open about their sexuality or keep it close to their hearts. And that's what's led me to this forum. Because I know my friends and family love me but I don't want to cause headaches trying to get them to understand things that I am incapable of properly explaining anyway. Instead, I think that what really really helps is to find out that you are not some broken human being. Knowing that there are others like me out there makes the world look so much brighter! Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 @smiling_pal welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 Link to post Share on other sites
Rhaenys Posted November 9, 2017 Share Posted November 9, 2017 Not necessarily I'm kinda anti social but more cause I'm just a Starcraft nerd and no one around me can talk about that or the stuff I like. I don't go around waving my asexuality so that's never really a topic. Link to post Share on other sites
Astryda Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 Not at all. Asexuality itself can't make you antisocial. If you are antisocial and unhappy about it I would suggest you find a counselor or therapist to dig and fix some underlying issues. For example, if in general you are a shy person and a loner, knowing that you are asexual and that majority of people is sexual, you might feel even more lonely. But it's not asexuality making you anti social- it's your anxiety and/or shyness that is the cause of your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Nylocke Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Being asexual doesn't lead to antisocial behaviors. Being screwed over by people is what makes one antisocial. Link to post Share on other sites
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