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Realized I was asexual after I married... don't know what other options are left for my marriage


AloneOnAnIsland

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AloneOnAnIsland

Hello,

I posted on here a couple years ago, but can't seem to find the post (or remember what my username was). To keep things short, I realized I was asexual right *after* I got married. We had sex on our wedding night and that's the last time... that was over 4 years ago.


The only thing we could come up with to save our marriage was to open up our marriage (really just open up her side) and allow her to be with other people that could satisfy the needs she has. I was extremely uncomfortable with it at the time, but was hoping over time I would get more comfortable with the idea. That did actually start to happen, until just recently when she told me she was talking to some potential people, and also that she had a lot of sexual things she was into that I had no clue about. She also told me I was bad and boring the few times we were together.

 

So at this point my heart is about crushed, I'm angry/mad/sad, and don't know what to do. I don't think I'll be able to handle her being with anyone, if it ever actually happens. I'm not sure how I'll respond but it won't be in a good way.
 

After trying to find my own post, I realized just how many people are in similar situations as me, not knowing who they really are until after getting married, etc. I'm curious if anyone's ever saved their marriage with a solution besides making it an open relationship?

 

TIA,

AloneOnAnIsland

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Hey,

I would recommend the book, "I fell in love with an Asexual" It was really helpful for my husband and I. 

 

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You have to understand that she's also hurting too and the only way that you'll be able to even try to move on is by communicating about it. If you need to, show her your AVEN post and discuss what your options are going to be because it's important that open communication still happens. It all ends when the communication does. 

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Open is not a band aid and if you are this hurt by the potential , it doesn't sound like you are actually into the idea of non-monogamy. And that is a disaster waiting to happen if you just sit on this. It works only if both people are into the idea.

 

If she needs sex and you need to not have it at all then there are few options. But you might be able to figure out something. The key is to be completely open and honest with each other. 

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Hi, I'm very new to this whole thing, so I dont have too much solid advice to offer- Other than that I have felt what you are feeling.  I am graysexual, but it has been a progression. I've been with my partner for about a decade, and this has only recently become an issue in the past 3-4 years. I've also felt that I *should* open up our relationship, but that's just not for me. I guess I just wanted to say that, when you love someone, yes you want them to be happy- but that happiness doesn't have to come to the cost of your own.  Like the Mod said, Being in an open relationship isnt the only way to deal/cope/live with a partner on the asexual spectrum. 
Hope thats okay, and that you are too <3 

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AloneOnAnIsland
9 hours ago, Serran said:

If she needs sex and you need to not have it at all then there are few options. But you might be able to figure out something. The key is to be completely open and honest with each other. 

Thank you so much for your reply. What are the other "few options" you eluded to?

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31 minutes ago, AloneOnAnIsland said:

Thank you so much for your reply. What are the other "few options" you eluded to?

The options for mixed couples with differing needs are: 

 

Finding something besides sex to fill that void - some people are able to do some things to help a partner's libido besides sex and are OK with that and that works. Or some other form of compromise that leaves you both satisfied (these take so many different forms it's hard to suggest them all...)

 

Open (but really only works if both are into the idea of it)

 

Splitting up 

 

 

 

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AloneOnAnIsland

@NewbieGray, thanks for your reply. May I ask what "gray" means? There are so many terms used on this site that I'm unfamiliar with. Is there a glossary or something?

 

Quote

Being in an open relationship isnt the only way to deal/cope/live with a partner on the asexual spectrum. 

Have you found a way to deal/cope with your situation? You don't have to answer that, of course.

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@AloneOnAnIsland  for sure! I actually just began looking into Asexualilty like THIS week, but I've been thinking about it for over a year. I had sexual appetite when i was younger, and liked it-, and to this day am not disgusted or repulsed by it,  so "asexual" wasnt the term for me... So i did some more research on the spectrum, and found the term "graysexual". I guess in the most basic sense, its meant to signifiy the "gray" area between sexual, and Asexual.  
A quick Google says : ""According to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, people who are graysexual (or gray-A or gray-ace) might not normally experience sexual attraction, but do sometimes. They might also experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive""
My story is basically that I loved sex as a teenager and into my mid-twenties, but then (nothing traumatic)  something  happened and i just wasnt into it anymore. I dont want to do anything sexual anymore, and  i dont want to have sex. The idea is as appealing to me as taking a 5K run (so, not really at all) and i'd honestly prefer to just watch TV. I've been with the same partner for 10 years, so its been hard for us to manage- he has an especially large sexual appetite. But I spoke to a few other Aces and GrayAces and I felt really releived and like things made sense. So i joined the forum and began interacting with others on here!
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For sure I wanted to point out that open relationships work for a specific sort of person, and i just dont want anyone to have to feel pressured into going into an open relationship. If thats something that you both want, and feel comfortable with, then 100%. But never ever feel like you're "not enough" or that sex is the most important part of a relationship, or that you can't have a "normal" relationship without it. Its not like a death sentence, you know? And one should never be pressured into doing anything they're not comortable with. I can imagine its difficult for an ace & someone who isnt to find a way that works, but its totally doable.
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Personally, for me, I'm turned off by sex, but i love my partner so much. He's my heart and soul and moon and stars, and i'd do anything for him. I am still very much in love with him, and very much attracted to him in the sense that I think he's very handsome and that makes me giddy- but not so much in the sense of "oh hot damn, i need that dick" , or however i used to feel when i was younger.  Some other people in these forums mentioned doing things that might make your partner be able to release that sexual energy, without you being unfomfortable. Its so different for everyone, so its really personal. But if you're okay with kissing, you could kiss while he pleases himself, maybe run your hands over their chest or stomach or in their hair. Some people are OK with giving oral sex, others arent. It really depends on your own boundaires- and requires alot of communication. You can do massages, and cuddle, and dance!

 

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AndanteCantabile

You qualify for an annullment. It basically means the marriage wasn't legitimate and therefore you have never been married. 

 

The most important thing is to realize that someone who pushes you to compromise on part of your identity does not love you! Sex, romance, and love are all separate entities. If your current partner is doing this to you, there's a good chance she prioritizes parts over hearts. I promise you - all you need for a functional partnership (marriage included) is friendship.

 

Find someone better. There are so many great people out there who'd never treat you like that! 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm new here and came to this website because I also found out I am asexual after getting married. I don't have any advice but just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone  :-)

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