Hiding queer content from family on social media?

[Wafflefrolic]

Hey all,

 

In about a week I' going to be attending oSTEM which is a conference for queer people in STEM fields. I want to be able to share pics and info from it on my social media but I'm not out to my family yet ( and also don't want it to happen this way). I wanted to know how effective it is when you block certain ppl from seeing specific posts on facebook. Are blocked ppl able to see comments or anything through other people's pages about those specific posts ?  Also are there effective ways to do this on instagram or snapchat? 

I can't simply lie about the reason I'm in Chicago since I go to uni in NY and my mom likes to be very involved and will google and further research anything that I tell her that I'm up to.  She will also occasionally 'stalk' my fb and insta profiles so there is no chance that she won't notice and ask a ton of questions.  Also my brother currently goes to school in Illinois and  so has been around Chicago quite a bit and is likely to recognise any landmarks.

 

I know an obvious solution is to simply not post anything, but I would still like to be able to share this experience with my supportive friends. Alternatively , if anyone can also think of a good cover story, that would be a welcome solution too. 

 

(I'm sorry if this is in the wrong forum but since it is queer related I didn't want to put it in off-A)

[LeChat]

Hi. Would it be possible for you to privately send your photos from the event through email to each of your friends and anyone else you wanted to notify? That way, it wouldn't be on your social media accounts for your family to find them.

 

...A cover story for being in Chicago...hmmm...what about, "I just wanted to visit this city/take a historical trip, etc."? A Lot of tourists visit the city for fun. And you could possibly just share outdoor photos of the city to your family on your social media accounts.

[Wafflefrolic]

@InquisitivePhilosopher Thank you for replying ! I could use email I suppose. I think it would be easier to use the hiding feature to prevent a few family members from seeing specific posts. If it wasn't clear I'm not talking about blocking them completely, just using the privacy feature that controls who can see specific pictures or stuff like that. Other people outside of immediate family  wouldn't really question further if I just state that it's a STEM conference so I don't necessarily need to hide it from them. 

Also I don't have enough money or a spontaneous streak to decide to go all the way to Chicago on my own so that story wouldn't hold up

 

[KendraPM]

I have used it on occasion, but I can't tell you how well it worked since I didn't have any issues but also didn't double check.

 

I have however had a recently added friend who informed me not to be offended, but that she hides all her posts from her new fb friends until she gets a feel for what they'd be comfortable viewing on her page and then will unhide them from there. She uses it with all new friends on facebook, so I'd assume that it works well enough since I saw zero posts from her during that time.

 

I use ispy (one of those pay a monthly fee and get products sent your house every month deals) and one of the things that gets you free products from them is to post your reviews of products they've sent you on your facebook. I hide all my reviews of everyone but myself since I don't want to bombard my friends with useless posts. They've never seen them, or if they have they've never said anything. Again, I don't watch it regilously to be sure, but the few times I checked in the beginning to make sure I was doing it right showed no posts from ipsy on my timeline.

[KendraPM]

As for the story for the trip...hmm.... how close do your brother live? Can you stay with him and have the excuse be that you are visiting family? And if so, how cool would he be if you say that you've got plans with friends you've made while in town and keep running off to see them? That way it's not technically lying, since a conference is plans and the people there are sort of like friends.

 

If that won't work, can you just say you have a STEM convention? How likely is your mom to Google that, and if she does would she go further than looking up a STEM convention is or would she legit look up to see the details of the convention you are going to in Chicago? If all she does is Google "STEM convention" than that's different than Googling "STEM conventions in Chicago on such-and-such date."

 

Oh! Maybe you could say that a friend is visiting Chicago and asked you to come along. That they didn't want to go by themselves and/or had an extra ticket due to someone backing out/tickets were a gift/they really didn't want to go by themselves and so bought yours/etc and so you're in the city with them? It covers the "in the city just to sight-see" idea while also giving you something to explain away the cost.  

[kelico]

There are ways to hide posts from certain people on FB. You need to select the certain privacy settings when you're sharing a post. : ) For this, perhaps the best way would be to create a group/list (I don't remember what it's called...maybe List) on FB for your family or people you're not out to yet (the people that are added to it do not know they're in the group--it's your own private folder basically), and when you are going to post, change the privacy to "Custom" where you can select the list you want excluded from viewing the post.

 

That might sound confusing...but it's certainly a way! And people that are excluded cannot see the post, not even on other people's pages, unless they're tagged. Here's a How-To. Good luck and I hope it all goes well!!

[Wafflefrolic]

Thank you for detailing your experiences @KendraPM and @kelico for explaining how it works!

 

My mom has previously bookmarked the schedule of a conference I attended and searched through their posted pics and content so she won't accept only getting minor details on this one. 

 

It seems that the hiding content feature works well. If I need a cover story I think the friend with an extra ticket seems plausible since its a little before Thanksgiving and people will be going home. (There are other minor details that I'd have to work around but overall doable) 

 

Thanks for all the help! 

 

[Skycaptain]

Couple of thoughts here. Firstly, you're right to be wary. It's easy for someone to accidentally repost something meant to be private onto an open forum. 

I'd consider just being open about going to the conference, and say a little white lie about your university suggesting people go as it shows that they are meeting diversity criteria. It also avoids awkward questions if you have a chance encounter with a mutual acquaintance. (a Facebook post "Nice to see person X three hundred miles from home" seen by parents who didn't know you were in that city...) 

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Yes, I agree, you never know where things might be sent. I took some photos at various Prides, but mainly ones where faces were obscured. The only people I got face on I asked permission and then non of my photos venture into social media anyway.

[biblios]

I feel you. In college I did my senior thesis on queer literature, but I wasn't (and still am not) out to my parents. I knew my thesis presentation (which had the word "Queer" in the title) would be publicized around campus. 

 

I don't know how helpful this will be to your specific situation, but what I ended up doing was just minimizing the event and the thesis itself as much as possible when I was talking to my parents. I was always vague when telling them about my thesis. I just told them it was about "issues of identity" in the book I was writing about. I even told them what book it was, but I described it to them in such a way that I knew they'd have no interest in reading it. If they ever wanted to know more about my arguments, which they rarely did, I would expound upon the parts of the paper that were about non-queer aspects of identity and leave out the fact that the majority of the paper was about queer stuff.

 

When it came time for the presentation, I told them it was happening but made it sound like a smaller and less important event than it was. It also helped that I went to college out of state, so it was too impractical for them to show up to my presentation and watch it. I conveniently didn't tell them it was also being recorded by one of the professors and they could've watched the DVD if they wanted to.

 

So, in short, I was able to be honest(ish) with them about my studies without ever arousing their curiosity to the extent that they would do any digging on their own. I told them just enough in our phone conversations that they never felt they needed to seek out more info online.