My QPP asked if I want a baby with her

[AgentSmash]

Hello friends, I am new. I've ghosted around here a bit, mostly to learn and possibly ask the odd question. I'm still very new to being involved in ace/aro communities (I've known about the existence of asexuality for a few years but just started meeting people who are ace and aro about a year ago). I still tend to ask some pretty basic questions and worry that I sound ignorant or naive when I do, so to avoid bothering my friends and wearing them down with my questions ... I have come here.

 

So. I tried my best to keep this short but I'm very bad at that. the tl;dr version: my queer platonic partner has asked if I want to have a baby with her and I'm struggling to understand the language I should use about what my relationship with her is, how I explain that relationship to others without disrespecting and misrepresenting the way she relates to me, and some other basic questions around whether I'm asexual, demisexual, and demi-romantic....

 

I'm 27, genderfluid, afab (she/her or they/them). I've identified as queer for some 11 years, I've dated as a teenager and in my early 20s and have had sex. It's not been ... probably 5 years or so since I've had a serious relationship and had sex. I lost count, and while I've tried dating here and there I've never been interested enough in anyone I've dated to keep something going. I've cared even less about having sex with anyone. It started occurring to me over the last year or so that I might belong in the ace/aro community. 

 

However, when I met one of my ace/aro friends, I realized quite soon afterwards that I was interested in her, that I wanted to get to know her better, and eventually asked her on a date (I didn't know she was ace and aro). She agreed, we went on an awkward date or two, and she said she wanted to take things slow. I stopped asking her and we just started hanging out with our other friends. We became close, but eventually I told her I still had feelings for her. We talked, and she asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship with her. We talked it over and I wanted to make sure that's what she wanted, and we decided to be in a platonic relationship. Time went by, and nothing changed between us (obviously). We basically just hang out all the time, she knows I have romantic-ish feelings, and I know she doesn't but that our friendship is deeply important to her. And frankly, that's really all I want from anyone. I have no desire for anything more from her and I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship with anyone else. We weren't a "we" of any kind in my mind any more than I was a "we" with my other friends - in that sense of being a couple of any kind.

 

Then one day I was joking about how I wanna have like 10 kids and she replied by saying, "Yeah, we can have 10 kids" and I just kind of ... mentally froze? I hadn't really thought about raising kids with anyone, I figured I'd be doing it alone, and she knows how serious I've been about getting pregnant lately, as all my friends do. But in my mind, that association of "us" raising kids was still trapped in this traditional romantic dynamic and I spent the afternoon wondering what the hell that meant to her, and finally I asked. Turns out she just kind of assumed we'd be co-parenting, raising kids together, not as a romantic couple like my mother and father were but as partners in a more team-work sense.

 

I asked her what I should call her, how I would refer to her, and she said "you're my friend, I would call you my best friend." And I know the word "partner" doesn't fit the way she sees me, as it's used in a romantic sense, but I don't see the word "friend" fully capturing the way I relate to her, instead seeing "partner" as something that fits that context for me. And I don't really see her as a romantic partner, but when I explain who she is to me to other people, "sister" doesn't mean the right thing, "friend" doesn't capture it either... She's something more than that to me, in a way that isn't expressed physically or emotionally in a romantic way. And I hate that there aren't words that communicate this kind of relationship in the rest of our social context. If I tell people she's my "partner" they assume we're sleeping together, or we're cuddly together, or we live together, and that we're romantic partners. And if we do end up having kids together, how can I explain this to a fertility clinic, or an adoption agency, that this is my partner-but-not-like-that, that we'll both be moms but not in a romantic relationship with each other. I isn't easy going through that process of either accessing fertility clinics, or adoption agencies. There's a lot of policing involved. And eugh. It's way too early for me to be worrying about all this right now, but I don't want to lay all this on my friends and certainly not her. So. Here's my essay. 

[Chaotic_Kitten]

Hello from a fellow newbie,

I guess my question back would be, "Does it matter what people think?" You should be able to use the word partner without having to explain that it is platonic. People will wonder behind your back anyway because people are always ready to make assumptions. When I tell people I am married, I don't correct them by saying "I am on the ACE spectrum so my poor husband has to deal with my minefield of issues on a daily basis." They just have their assumptions and go about their day. If they know you well enough, you can tell them more. I know assumptions can be daunting to deal with, but it is honestly no one elses business. I think it is great that she values enough to be a co-parent with you. I hope you are able to find a word that makes you comfortable.