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virgin guilt?


AussieIsAce

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Does anyone else feel bad or embarrassed that they havent had sex?

 

 

 

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Fighting_For_Us

Short answer: Nope!

Long answer:

At one brief point I did because many of my friends at the time had all gotten laid and were in relationships.

But I also have several friends who are virgins and fine with it, even as sexuals.

I also have a Christian upbringing and sex before marriage is a big no-no, so that plays a part for me too. 

I don't think it's right how much pressure is put on people to have sex before a certain age/point in their life. There are both sexual and non-sexual people who don't want sex early. There's nothing wrong with that. 

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I spent a long time feeling that way, but I'm absolutely done with it. People take this topic so seriously for some reason. If someone finds out you're a virgin they just have so many questions and often think it's funny and I just don't get it. I lied many times about my virginity to avoid this. Honestly, it's like the least important thing in the universe. You'll either lose it or you won't, and it couldn't possibly matter less in my opinion.

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I don't personally feel bad about being a virgin...but I don't share that infirmation with other people. I guess I am in a way worried about what they'll think of me...whether they'll think I'm a loser that nobody wants to sleep with .Also their reactions are pretty annoying,they react like they have just found a second moon or something. Whenever somebody brings it up...i just lie about it...sometimes if people press me for details i get caught....because i have no clue how it actually is. 

 

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NerotheReaper

It is nothing to be ashamed about, sex is not everything even if society might make you think otherwise. Don't beat yourself up, and this goes for everyone who might be mad or upset about their virginity. 

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I’ve yet to meet a straight person who felt bad for never having sex with the same gender, so why should you or I feel bad for also being aware of what we don’t want?

 

It can be rough.  People usually won’t understand.  But you shouldn’t feel ashamed for being true to yourself if you don’t want something like that.

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Don't feel guilty or bad, but it's not something I want to tell people because it would just lead to awkward questions. 

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Why would one feel bad? What's the point in feeling bad for not doing something one isn't interested in? What would one feel guilty for; did one do something wrong? Committed a crime?

 

Genuine questions.

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I felt guilty about it, and that's why I had sex at some point, to get it over with. I had sex so that I could say "I'm not a virgin anymore". Did not change my feelings about sex, and helped realise, admit and accept that I was asexual. 

And as others have said, nobody should feel guilty for being a virgin. Society wants you to feel guilty, well guess what, f*ck society. We are free to do our own choices and nobody should feel guilty about them. So I hope you won't feel guilty any longer, and that you won't feel forced to do things you don't want to do because you feel guilty about them :) 

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The Gnat (Natalie)

As I've said to many a friend about the fact that I haven't dated/had sex/kissed anybody/whatever else: you can't possibly fathom the aggressiveness with which I don't care.

 

I have truly stopped giving a shit what other people think I should or shouldn't be doing with my life or body. It's not their problem.

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1 hour ago, miettaisace said:

Does anyone else feel bad or embarrassed that they havent had sex?

Nope.

 

4 minutes ago, Homer said:

Why would one feel bad? What's the point in feeling bad for not doing something one isn't interested in? What would one feel guilty for; did one do something wrong? Committed a crime?

 

Genuine questions.

The only reasons why anyone would feel bad is because of a "social" stigma against people who've never wanted nor ever had sex. It's a stupid thing to worry about really. Peer pressure can go suck a lemon dipped in salt.

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Mhhhh... lemons dipped in salt *drools* :D

 

I guess that it could be kind of a problem if one is actually looking for a relationship. Teens will of course need to figure things out so any inexperience kind of comes with the package, but once you're in your late twenties or so, potential partners might not want to "teach" their SOs anymore. There might be a certain "point of no return" where people say "wait, they are 3x years old and haven't done it yet? There's got to be something wrong with them." Which is actually great because who would want someone thinking this as their partner :)

 

Or maybe one could feel "guilty" when it comes to oneself. Let's say someone is curious by nature, but never took the chance to try sex, even when presented with the opportunity. This might cause some "What if" later on. OTOH, the older you grow, the less you'll give a shit about other people and their expectations and opinions.

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Not guilt, no, but I was mildly embarrassed for a time. I thought I was just late in development, and that I would suddenly start having these feelings at 30 or something, when everyone else would already be past that point emotionally. I did use hormonal contraceptives to control my period, and the eh, midwives I think the translation is, always asked me about sex because you should never start on the contraceptives if you're already pregnant. At 22/23 I started saying "Never had sex, should I be embarrassed about that yet?" Because I knew it was expected to either have sex or be embarrassed about not doing it :P And they would immediately respond "No."^^ 

Finding out about asexuality has allowed me to stop worrying. I though, if this is my sexuality, then I am just as valid as any LGBT person. I feel no embarrassment or guilt now.

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Some people seem to think that young people should be having sex because these are. "the best years of our lives" yada yada. In reality a lot of people do better just not having sex. 

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I can see this from both sides so to speak because I was a late starter .. 25 and yes I was acutely embarrassed and depressed. Due to my asexuality I never had any real desire but as a 'Young gun' I felt I had to have loads of notches on the bedstead. The conflict was unbearable. So many lies to friends and so much play acting. Any time I got a girlfriend she would soon accuse me of having an affair or being gay. awful time.

 

Although you would think losing the virgin label would be a huge celebration it was the most 'meh' moment of my life if that's any help  :D

on a par with the first time I tried couscous. That's about how important it is.

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For a while before I realised I was ace I felt really bad about it. Not guilty exactly, but definitely embarrassed, self-conscious and a bit sad. It didn't help that I was researching twentieth-century attitudes about virginity, so I was submerged in commentary saying things like "Virginity is a waste of life." That made me dwell a lot on my own situation. Now I just don't care - in fact I feel good about it.

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Not at all! 

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I still did earlier this year. I've come a long way in the last few months though. Talking about in on AVEN helped me in the process.

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I don't feel bad about being a virgin. Although it's something I rarely share with people so I haven't  endured much ridicule. But there was one time where a guy implied no one would ever want to sleep with me. I don't know why but that did feel a bit embarrassing and even hurtful (maybe because he said it in front of my friends).

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Nope, it's not something I care too much about. There's a reason getting laid is not on my bucket list and never will be

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Maybe about a dozen years ago when the movie "The Forty Year Old Virgin" came out back in 2005.  I was 43 then and it was kind of an annoying title though I never saw the movie to really get a handle on it.

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knittinghistorian
1 minute ago, Techie said:

Maybe about a dozen years ago when the movie "The Forty Year Old Virgin" came out back in 2005.  I was 43 then and it was kind of an annoying title though I never saw the movie to really get a handle on it.

The existence of that movie really annoyed me.  I never saw it, so I don't know how it was, but just that it existed.

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EggplantWitch

Guilty is not the word I would use, but I do fear being teased, insulted, harassed or alienated for it. It's boggling to me that, as far as I can tell, the vast majority of people my age (20, nearly 21) have lost their virginity when biologically speaking we've not even finished fulling growing and developing yet. It seems like there's a window of about 2 years between 16 and 18 where it's acceptable to lose it; any earlier and you're a slut and any later and you're pathetic.

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20 minutes ago, EggplantWitch said:

Guilty is not the word I would use, but I do fear being teased, insulted, harassed or alienated for it.

Are those who would tease, insult or alienate you for it really worth caring about?

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drjohnhwatson

Yeah, I do.  I know it's dumb and stuff, and I know that it's just society and what have you, but still.  I'm 27, and even barring the sex thing, I've never been kissed, never been in a relationship...it's lonesome.

 

Pertaining solely to the sex stuff, it can get embarrassing.  A vivid memory is when people at work were going around talking about the time that they lost their virginity.  Thankfully one of the guys steered it back to himself when it came to my turn because I most certainly would have been mocked and I just prefer to be left alone, honestly.

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35 minutes ago, knittinghistorian said:

The existence of that movie really annoyed me.  I never saw it, so I don't know how it was, but just that it existed.

...and that it is a (slapstick?) comedy. I wouldn't mind a serious film about the topic.

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34 minutes ago, Techie said:

Maybe about a dozen years ago when the movie "The Forty Year Old Virgin" came out back in 2005.  I was 43 then and it was kind of an annoying title though I never saw the movie to really get a handle on it.

 

32 minutes ago, knittinghistorian said:

The existence of that movie really annoyed me.  I never saw it, so I don't know how it was, but just that it existed.

It was just a funny movie and the guy was defo not asexual. The attitudes in the movie were largely typically so sexual as to be a little mocking. But it was a good comedy film dealing with someone who really wanted sex but with love. I guess the title could touch a nerve but the film didn't.

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Honestly, never. Though, the lack of guilt is probably more attributed to my cynical personality and history of parental divorce rather than my asexuality. As a teen, I had a twisted view of the world, and romance and sex had no value to me. For all I knew, attachments were temporary and would eventually fade; I still sadly don’t open up emotionally to friends often. Talk of it all bored me half to death in school. While I’m a little less overtly negative, I still place little value in sex. Also, I’ve never dated or had sex. I’ve never kissed or even just held hands with anyone outside my family. How could I feel guilty about something I’ve never even been close to having? Besides, people who insult me for not having done it aren’t worth acknowledging IMO.

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6 hours ago, miettaisace said:

Does anyone else feel bad or embarrassed that they havent had sex?

I used to be, especially when I started to date my (now ex) gf. Not so much because of the "status" (I don't know a better word) – she actually knew about it and didn't mind – but because I had no idea what I had to do if we got physical and I blamed it on my lack of experience. (I didn't know that I'm ace, then).

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3 hours ago, knittinghistorian said:

The existence of that movie really annoyed me.  I never saw it, so I don't know how it was, but just that it existed.

The 40-Year-Old Virgin didn't appeal to me, either. I looked at a few clips, years ago, because I was curious about why many people seemed to like it. I didn't like it because it seemed to portray the main, virgin character in a negative, mocking light, where he'd have hobbies that other adults considered to be childish and not mature or grown-up (like riding a bicycle to work, liking comics, etc.) But then, I heard that, in the end, the character meets someone and losses his virginity. To me, the movie seemed to be equating virginity with immaturity. 

 

Yes. I do feel ashamed of still being a virgin; for me, it's also tied in with the shame of abuse. I'm surrounded by adults who are married and have children (and there have been a few times where those adults have seen me alone in the neighborhood and thought something was wrong with me for being by myself, that I was lost or needed to be driven home, since I wasn't with anyone), so I'm surrounded by constant reminders that I'm not a stereotypical adult.

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