Trying to want sex, can't (TW: graphic info)

[songchick]

Oh man.

 

I have recently have had more of a physical sex drive than usual, so I have finally been entertaining the idea of trying to find a partner to explore with.  (I'm 32.)  I haven't "explored" much, but rather just pursued some random 1 night stands as an act of deviance.  In terms of what I know about my body, etc... not very much.  I tend to think of sex as this sort of philosophical, artistic concept of beauty, an aesthetic that I think is mostly forgotten in the 21st century.  I express myself a lot through music and writing, mostly at a professional level.

 

I have this long-time friend who is very horny all the time, and I have approached him to help me out.  He said he's not sure if I would be able to handle him.  He does orgies, sex tapes, sex in public, inviting friends over, etc.  Now I'm just disgusted again.  I don't want any of that.  I'm also trying to get to know my body through masturbating (which I do already).  But it just doesn't feel good, going beyond what I like.  There are just issues with my body that make penetration feel really horrible and painful.  This includes having a tilted cervix.

 

As a (possible) Ace, I basically masturbate to no fantasies, using it as a pain killer for body pains like tendinitis.  Fantasies involving other people basically distract me.  I'm learning that sex is so much more than just a sex drive and desire for release.  It's about being able to do this with another person.  Feeling fulfilled when being held.  For me, this is so annoying.  I can't involve others in this process, because then it feels like performing and an obligation.  It's annoying and frustrating.  And again, the physical pain also is just horrible.

 

Is there a type of Ace where it's like, you can have a sexual drive and such, but not be interested in other people?  That is what I'm discovering.  I find men attractive, but I don't want to be with them.  I just want to look and then be on my own.  I don't like when people touch me intimately, it just feels creepy.  I don't like having people in my bed.  Things might change later on, but there's a fucking whole lot that needs to change before I leave the Ace category.  Sex is like this quest that I don't feel like taking on.  Everyone is doing it, and it just disgusts me.  I feel like our society would be more civilized and prolific if people stopped having sex and did things like learning the violin (which I play) or other artistic endeavors.  The bar would be raised for personal accountability, honor, truth, and so forth.  Sex is just disgusting.  It is this primal instinct that causes people to do inhumane things like rape and incest.

 

Maybe I am responding to accounts of trauma in my past.  (molestations, near-rapes)  But also... I've never wanted it the way it seems others do.  My distaste gets worse as I get older.  I'm pretty convinced that I've had a past life in like 18th century Europe (Germany), which makes me instinctually have more conservative views.  (Sounds weird, I have spiritual inclinations.)  I guess I have a lot to learn.

[InariYana]

Don't try to do any mind-twisting to make yourself want it... I looked at adjectives you used to describe sex and here we go: horrible, painful, disgusting... you can't suddenly slap a label on it saying something opposite. I've made endless attempts to trick myself in a way into liking it/desiring it and that was a) a waste of time b) pretty much hurting myself, through this. Try and think of something positive about sex, write it down, then compare with negatives, compare both lists. In my case there's way more on the negative side so it's a no-brainer, really.

 

Do you like being touched but not in a sexual way? Would you like something sensual but not sexual? Massage? Kissing your neck? Cuddles?

Or maybe you'd enjoy sexual closeness without penetration? Maybe you'll find a boundary of physical contact that separates what you like and desire from something you find disgusting and repulsive.

     

[Kai99]

If you could never have sex again, how would you feel?

[banoffeepie]

I tried to pretend I was sexually normal and found ways to fake it to some extent, enough to get married and stuff ... but it was truly horrible all the time.

2 hours ago, InariYana said:

I looked at adjectives you used to describe sex and here we go:

Yes, the impression you give is that you really don't want to do this stuff. But you want to want to. I went from that to not wanting to want to.  Just one word different and life's so much less stressful.

 

3 hours ago, songchick said:

My distaste gets worse as I get older. 

I wouldn't say it was quite the same with me. I always really found it distasteful, but as I'm getting older I don't want to pretend anymore so I refuse to be the performing seal.... keep your fish lol

[songchick]

9 hours ago, Kai99 said:

If you could never have sex again, how would you feel?

My first reaction is "great."  No different from now in any case.

 

11 hours ago, InariYana said:

Try and think of something positive about sex, write it down, then compare with negatives, compare both lists. In my case there's way more on the negative side so it's a no-brainer, really.

Positive, hm...it's supposed to feel good.  It feels good at the end.  I don't like being held or touched, it's annoying.  I used to like it, but always there's emotional attachment that comes with it, and I don't like being attached.  Also when I have slept with people, the person then assumes that I am a person that I specifically am not, but they think they know who I am based on this.  This causes self-doubt.  I also don't like how sex causes people to turn off other parts of their mind, like the intelligent parts.  I thrive on exercising my intelligence, curiosity, that is how I derive pleasure in life.  People who get it from sex frankly seem uninterested in things that I like.  It really saddens me too that our culture is so sex-affirming.

 

[Kai99]

Quote

My first reaction is "great."  No different from now in any case.

Okay, than why the back and forth on whether to pursue sex or not? You've made your feelings on sex loud and clear. You don't enjoy it, you don't like how sex obsess people are, you would rather not have it, etc. I've even advised you in the past to stop having sex and you agreed with me. Why are you trying to have sex when you know how you feel about it?

 

You don't have to have sex. I have zero sex life and I like it that way. It is simple. If you find your sex drive a little higher than usual, get a sex toy. From what you wrote, you don't like partnered sexual activity anyways. Don't have more.

 

Quote

Positive, hm...it's supposed to feel good.  It feels good at the end.  I don't like being held or touched, it's annoying.  I used to like it, but always there's emotional attachment that comes with it, and I don't like being attached.  Also when I have slept with people, the person then assumes that I am a person that I specifically am not, but they think they know who I am based on this.  This causes self-doubt.  I also don't like how sex causes people to turn off other parts of their mind, like the intelligent parts.  I thrive on exercising my intelligence, curiosity, that is how I derive pleasure in life.  People who get it from sex frankly seem uninterested in things that I like.  It really saddens me too that our culture is so sex-affirming.

You have a very negative opinion on sex, another valid reason why you shouldn't have it. People have sex for many reasons. Whatever their reasons for it, rather than look down on them for having it, just view it as an activity that isn't for you and leave it at that. Your an artistic person. Plenty of artistic people have sex and studies show artists have more sex than the average population. I highly doubt you can't find sexual people who share your interests. I'm surrounded by sexual people and I have no problem talking about subjects that span from arts to pets.

[InariYana]

On 07/11/2017 at 5:15 AM, songchick said:

I also don't like how sex causes people to turn off other parts of their mind, like the intelligent parts.  I thrive on exercising my intelligence, curiosity, that is how I derive pleasure in life.  People who get it from sex frankly seem uninterested in things that I like.  It really saddens me too that our culture is so sex-affirming.

 

You're being a little harsh on sexual folks. I had very intelligent sexual partners in the past - curious, creative, successful and at the same time very much into sex. The secret I think was not letting the sex become an obsession (as it is for some people and frankly, I'd hate to have that in my head most the time). But then again anything can become an obsession that hijacks your brain a little, like let's say calorie watching while eating and planning meals (honestly some people spend SO MUCH time doing it), obsessive listening to music (how unproductive haha but I was like that as a teenager). Sex is just one of those things.

Obviously, when one's super hot & horny in a particular moment it's hard to expect a quality conversation about Buddhist philosophy from them ... but then again - if I'm hungry, I have food on my mind, not the old & wise Buddhist masters haha. 

 

I think sex-affirmation is a bit better than what we had in the past - restraint, shaming, control of (especially) female sexuality, glorification of chastity and purity for no reason. I mean... there are still countries that have those kind of attitudes and stone women for cheating for example. Or force them to marry their rapists. Or (I could carry on...) How these attitudes shaped people's lives... it's crazy. 

In our culture it went too much the other way and we have now 16 year olds crying their eyes out because they're "still" virgins. People getting pressurized by others to do something sexual "because that's what everybody does, don't be a weirdo/freak/frigid". Unless you have a high sex drive (labelled "healthy" as well), you're somehow abnormal. There's more of that of course and I hate it too. We need to find a good middle ground, where sex is not (pardon me) shoved down people's throats, but on the other hand - not pushed away from view as something disgusting and shameful.

I think asexual awareness in society and some people (sexual) stepping out in the open admitting that sex in their lives is not extremely important (yes there are such people!) can be a good start. Just get that pressure off the topic of sex. That pressure is immense, especially in lives of young adults, sexual or not. Pressure to look a certain way, behave a certain way, think a certain way about this subject. Many are really impressionable people and this pressure shapes their lives way too much.            

[Eline]

On 6-11-2017 at 5:20 PM, songchick said:

Is there a type of Ace where it's like, you can have a sexual drive and such, but not be interested in other people? 

I don't claim to know anything for certain but was literally just reading something related to this which might be interesting.
While looking up some information about libido, I read the 'Nonlibidoism' description on the AvenWiki and it said: "Nonlibidoism is not equivalent to asexuality, since a large percentage of asexuals do have sex drives or libidos, but still lack any sexual attraction"

It went on to say that this sex drive is not directed toward other people but instead often results in mastrubation.
So according to this, it would seem perfectly possible to have a sexual drive, not be sexually interested in other people and be Ace. 

If you really want to know your body more but are not comfortable doing this with other people, maybe there are sex tools or toys that could help but I do not know enough about this to give advice on that subject. It's just a silly idea so please don't feel forced to do anything you are not comfortable with.
 

[Homer]

There is no way to force yourself to want something. It just doesn't work like that. Wanting something comes from within.

 

 

On 6.11.2017 at 5:20 PM, songchick said:

I feel like our society would be more civilized and prolific if people stopped having sex and did things like learning the violin (which I play) or other artistic endeavors.

I also firmly disagree on that. Having sex can be a way to release stress and excess energy and just let your mind go for a while, all whilst being in a personal environment. Of course that doesn't work for everybody. Every activity will pull different strings for different people. What if someone came along and said "Oh boy, I wish violins were never invented, they sound awful and they're completely pointless. People should go and watch golf instead." And I'd bet a fortune that there's at least one activity which you gladly switch your brain off for, whichever that may be.