What kind of attraction is this???

[mariposab]

Hi-- I would really appreciate any help or insights in understanding what exactly I want and how I should label myself, if at all. 

I'm an east Asian female in my twenties who's had a conservative Christian upbringing, but stopped going to church as I started questioning my sexuality.

I've always wondered if I'm a lesbian, as I have these "crushes" on pretty girls, and have intense desires to be best friends with them.

But I've never really wanted sex, and find nothing appealing at all about sex. And I'm starting to wonder if they're just intense friend crushes ("squishes").

I've also moved around a ton and have had to make new friends every place I moved, and so recently I started wondering if that has anything to do with my desire for intimacy.

But anyways, here are some characteristics of how I feel about these "crushes" (squishes? I don't know!)

 

• aesthetic attraction
• attracted by voice and how they carry themselves
• want to get to know EVERYTHING about them (want to peel all their onion layers)
• want to be like them in many ways (I find traits about them that I don't have and want to emulate, and by osmosis I absorb them)
• want to share deep, meaningful conversations with them, share everything with them
• want to hug them, cuddle with them (physical intimacy)
• see their flaws, but they’re endearing
• want to spend time with them all the time, even to the point of subconsciously following them around
• want to be best friends
• kiss? idk… Not necessary
• get jealous if they start seeing anyone romantically or sexually (the degree of jealousy differs by person)
• sex is not appealing AT ALL. I don't think I have much of a libido
• want to do things for them (such as getting tissue for them when they spill something), give them gifts, etc.

 

From a bird's eye view, I think I have romantic, aesthetic, platonic, and sensual attraction toward someone of the same gender, but no sexual attraction.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

How do you/should I call myself?

What have you done/what could I do to better figure out what I want?

 

Thanks!

[The Gnat (Natalie)]

Hi, welcome to AVEN! Before I delve in here I just want to encourage you that if church/faith is important to you, don't feel like you have to let that go just because you're questioning your orientation. I know that's a really personal decision, and I also want to mention that there are many Christians on AVEN (myself included!) if you want to talk about the whole relationship between being queer and Christian. I know firsthand that it can be a weird one.

 

From what you're describing, it does sound like you fit the 'asexual' definition. As far as what you described in your list, all of of those things seem to me like they could fit into either the 'crush' or 'squish' category. It's really dependent on whether or not you want to date the person. The two I see as having the most possibility of pushing you into 'crush' territory are kissing and jealousy. As far as jealousy goes, I think that's pretty normal. If you're used to spending a certain amount of time with someone, it's easy to feel left out/abandoned/jealous if they start dating someone. It's not about wishing they would date you but about wishing they would give your friendship more time and attention. I think that's the deciding factor about whether or not you're crushing. As far as kissing goes, different people feel differently about whether that's a sensual or romantic thing. Personally, I'm still undecided. But since it sounds like kissing isn't something of too much interest for you, I probably wouldn't put too much weight on it in determining whether or not your feelings are romantic.

 

I guess for myself personally I would apply everything you described to my squishes except wanting to kiss them. I describe myself as aegosensual because I can watch two people kiss in a movie or whatever and think 'Oh, that would feel so good. I want to do that,' but the idea of actually kissing somebody in real life is one I could best describe as 'cringey.'  That's why I feel like, for me, kissing straddles the line between romantic and sensual. I love the idea from the standpoint of how it would physically feel, but I really don't want to do it with anybody because I'm not romantically attracted to anybody. I'm demiromantic, which I think of as 'aromantic until the right person comes along.' So kissing is something I definitely would do with the right person but not 'at random,' so to speak.

 

Honestly, all I've done to figure out my orientations is to be confused and wrestle with it for 3+ years. That's probably not encouraging at all, and I hope it's a quicker and smoother process for your, but that's all I can really say except that I'd advise you to be open to anything and everything you might be feeling and be willing to analyze it objectively. No matter what your church has told you, nothing you're feeling is bad or dirty or sinful. There's also nothing wrong with identifying as 'not straight, but I don't know beyond that.' Hope this helps!  

[Big J]

Welcome!

I feel the same things, sort of. I am newer also and have things to work out. But when I heard Homoromantic, it clicked with me. Aven has a lot of info on here for you to look at and find what fits for you. I really just had to ask myself some questions and research. 

 

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake... :cake:!

 

Squish, crush, lush, and maybe even swish?

http://life-of-an-asexual.tumblr.com/post/102762643654/desires-for-relations-based-on-types-of-attraction

[Megan Ferbs]

That sounds like homoromantic asexual to me. From what you said I feel like if you were to be in a relationship it would be really cute! I wish you the best in you're self discovery!   

[SamwiseLovesLife]

Sounds romantic to me. Could be platonic but the jealousy factor suggests you want monogomy which I would say is a trait of romanticism