Why I haven't come out to my father.

[Lord Pocky]

 

It started sometime during the middle of this past summer while we were all eating dinner. The television decided to show a '50 shades of gray' commercial at that time. I showed my disgust for it, and so my father became concerned. He asked me if even normal intimacy (I'm guessing is regular sex) grossed me out. I lied to him and told him 'no'. 

 

When that was all done, he said these exact words: "your lack of interest scares/disturbs me."

 

Wow, way to go by making your youngest child believe that he is messed up or even a monster! 

 

I just ate my dinner silently after that and never brought it up with him again. 

 

And so, I'm unsure of whether I should tell him or not. 

 

I remembered it today and so I have decided to post it here. 

 

Any thoughts/opinions? Should I come out to him? It bothers me that I'm keeping this from him, so I don't know what to do.

 

 

update: I have decided not to come out to my father due to a personal event that occurred when I first came out as trans to him. I don't know whether I should say it or not (I trust that no one will try to find and attack him personally) but I'm sure that none on this website will bring him any real harm. You've all probably heard worse so I shouldn't bother.

 

but, what he had told me to do (this was when I told him I wanted surgery for my transition) was simply: masturbate. I was sixteen at the time so this shook me. I avoided him for a while after that. 

 

So, in short, I'm ever coming out to him. 

[5amlight]

if you would feel better having told him about it, you definitely should. however, if you feel like he would not understand or anything like that or if you don't feel ready, you shouldn't. if it bothers you to keep this from him so much, maybe consider sitting him down and just telling him.

 

i personally haven't told my parents because i don't think it'll have a positive influence on our relationship. i mean, of course they'd be accepting at all, but i'm afraid of becoming, like, a meme. or a joke, of sorts. (they were laughing at me because i, up to a few months ago, believed they didn't have sex anymore because like why would they? passing straight is best for my situation.)

 

it truly depends on your family dynamics. if there are more pros than cons to coming out to him, then go for it. i hope this helped a bit.

[yonah]

It may help if you send your father to the AVEN "so your family member is ace" page. It sounds like he thinks a lack of interest in sex is extremely uncommon and weird so it might help if you can show that it's not and is, in fact, completely normal.

[Lord Pocky]

Mm, if only I could send it to him anonymously. 

 

Have a note that says: please read this, you'll understand your offspring better.

 

 

[OpenAce]

What about if you left a flyer out or something, like pretend some one was just handing them out at the shops or something? If you left it out with some information in it he might read it? and you can gauge is reaction to it...?

[SuperSpAceChips]

6 minutes ago, Cup-of-cake said:

 

 

When that was all done, he said these exact words: "your lack of interest scares/disturbs me."

 

I don't know if you know this but this is a star wars reference and he was probably saying it in a joking manner.

       However, all jokes aside,  Your father is probably slightly concerned about  you. In comparison to him, a sexual, the idea of not wanting intimacy is probably foreign to him, just like it is with your friends. I'm in the same boat as you Jeffery. I haven't told my dad or any of my family members for that matter because I don't want them to think something is wrong with me or that I'm incorrect for not wanting sex and that "i'll like it someday" I wouldn't tell him right now but as soon as you are comfortable with telling him, do it. When you tell him make sure to specify and explain to him what  and how you feel. He's your parent and loves you unconditionally. He's going to have to understand what you tell him and respect what you are, even if he doesn't believe it. I wish you the best of luck, and may the force be with you!!

[J. van Deijck]

if you believe your dad willactually understand that there's nothing wrong with you and so he doesn't need to be worried about your 'lack of interest'.

 

I have tried to tell my father long ago, but he said he doesn't believe that people might not be interested in it. so why bother continuing if you're not even being treated seriously.

[Lord Pocky]

9 minutes ago, SuperSpAceChips said:

he was probably saying it in a joking manner.

Not at all. He sounded disappointed and a little worried. I didn't realize that that was a Star Wars reference, that's rather interesting. 

 

Although, this was not a joke to him. And @OpenAce, I'm uncertain of where I'd find such a flier. 

[Lichley]

You could always print out this 

http://www.asexualityarchive.com/a-parents-guide-to-asexuality/

[Lord Pocky]

@Lichley ooh boy that's a lot of words! Maybe I can make a type of, er, flyer with pens markers and pencils (mask my penmanship) and put it on the table once it's complete and show it to my family, saying that it's a flier that was given to me at school. (My mom and bro know I'm ace so they'll be okay with it)

 

ill try try to hand it off to my dad and write at the bottom; is your child asexual?

 

and on the back there will be a yes or no check box. Hue hue. 

 

Im gonna die aren't I? 

 

 

Oh boy. 

[Lord Pocky]

I believe it'll go something a little like this;

 

Good day sir/ma'am, this flier is to inform you about asexuality.

 

what is asexuality? Asexuality is a sexual orientation where there is a lack of sexual attraction and or desire to engage in sexual activities.

 

now that that's out of the way; have you said the following to your child:

 

1. It's just a phase.

2. I'm expecting grandkids from you.

3. That's not real.

 

if so: you're being very unprofessional and are very poor mannered! 

 

(At the bottom)

 

is is your child asexual? (Arrow points to back)

 

Yes?  

or <

No?

[ConorOberst]

I'm with superspacechips.  My first impression is that he was quoting star wars.  If your dad is the hairy-arsed alpha male type then he probably is worried that you are gay.

[Lord Pocky]

I don't believe that he enjoys Star Wars all that much, he wouldn't joke about something like this. He had (still kind of has) trouble with me being trans and clearly saying I'll never be his son when I first came out to him. I love him dearly, but I sometimes stay away from these topics with him due to his brutal honesty. *sigh* 

[Ennis]

14 hours ago, Cup-of-cake said:

 

if so: you're being very unprofessional and are very poor mannered!

I wouldn't put it like that! Don't accuse people or judge them because they'll stop listening to you and start trying to justify their actions or even attack you.

How about: "If so, have you thought about how this makes your child feel about your expectations for them?" or sth like that.

 

I would also add more information on asexuality, like "An estimated 1% percent of the population is thought to be asexual. Research suggests that there's nothing physically wrong with asexual people, they just lack the desire or attraction."

 

and perhaps go on like this: "Do you think your child could be asexual? If you are convinced they aren't, how do you know? Hearing from their parents that they expect grandchildren from them or want them to get married can put enormous pressure on asexual individuals.

If you have difficulty understanding the way asexuals experience the world you can find a lot of resources online." --> link to AVEN and/or one of the documentaries on youtube.

[Dj91]

2 hours ago, Cup-of-cake said:

I don't believe that he enjoys Star Wars all that much, he wouldn't joke about something like this. He had (still kind of has) trouble with me being trans and clearly saying I'll never be his son when I first came out to him. I love him dearly, but I sometimes stay away from these topics with him due to his brutal honesty. *sigh* 

Hello,

 

If you are out as trans to him, do you think he is going to deal with you being asexual worse than that? I know it is probably more alien to people than trans or something like homosexuality and something he probably hasn't thought about before but from what I've read I think you will be fine with it especially if the rest of your family know they will support you and help you when you feel you are ready to come out to him. 

 

When you do I would consider getting some facts to back you up to show him that it isn't weird that you are asexual.

 

Good luck. 

[Lord Pocky]

@Julian of Norwich and @Dj91, thank you both very much for the support and suggestions! I'll try and draft out the flyer before tomorrow and fix it up as it needs to be. I'm still nervous but I'm sure he'll be fine with it. 

[Ennis]

Just now, Cup-of-cake said:

@Julian of Norwich and @Dj91, thank you both very much for the support and suggestions! I'll try and draft out the flyer before tomorrow and fix it up as it needs to be. I'm still nervous but I'm sure he'll be fine with it. 

You're very welcome. If you need any more feedback tomorrow, just tell me.

[Lord Pocky]

@Julian of Norwich thanks! Will do!

[Lord Pocky]

I have decided not to come out to my father upon remembering and reflecting on a past event that occurred when I had first told him about how I was trans and wanted surgery. 

 

I'm a bit nervous to tell the answer he gave to me. That said answer made me avoid him and I'm still somewhat distant from him even though it doesn't feel that way outward. 

 

I just cant tell him. I don't want to hear those words ever again. 

[thylacine]

I don't think you should tell him.  He doesn't sound very understanding to me.

[Laplace]

My dad is generally a good man, but like yours, he has some problems accepting certain views that don’t align with his own. He’s fairly religious and is not very subtle about wanting me to convert from being an atheist, and he said once that the one thing he’d consider kicking me out for is if I was gay (which I’m not). He isn’t outright discriminatory in public, but he has some beliefs that I disagree with. Although I want him to understand and know that I’m likely aromantic and asexual, I realize people just get set in their ways sometimes. So I feed them what they want: a kind lie. I let him believe that there’s a chance, despite all evidence to the contrary, that I’ll date someone for the first time someday and settle down. Sadly, I’ve come to the conclusion that some people do not wish to be deabused of their beliefs.