What am I

[Claire190]

Hello there again. This is my second time writing here. My first post was about struggling with HOCD and pretty much the mess it started. But today I wanted to clarify some topics, and maybe with your help.

As you know, I have HOCD, I worry about being gay all the time. It led me to being extrimely anxious around females and therefore , having even groinal responses to my intruisive thoughts, something that I never had. My last post was also about the possibility of me being demisexual. It came as a surprise for me that, on Friday, when I discovered demisexuality , for the first time in many weeks, I felt relief, I felt better. One thing that my brain always tells me in order to prove my gayness is that I rarely, or never experience sexual desire towards males. And when I found out about demisexuality, it clarified a lot for me. 

So, I just wanted to point out some things. From a young age, I had crushes only on boys, I fantisized, even sexualy, abou them. As I grew older, I had lots of crushes on male celebrities, but even the thought of me having sex with them was not really confortable for me. I always dreamed of a big love, with romance etc. But when thinking about the sexual part, it really didn't affect me much. I always felt a little scared of having sex, but I knew that I would do it because I love the person I am with. 

There is always that age where girls are starting their sexual lives. Some of my friends did, but when I picture myself doing it with a person I barely know or have zero emotional connection, it is cringey and unpleasurable. The crushes I had during my short life were not so many, 2 to be exact. 

One of my biggest fears, probably due to HOCD is that I would never be capable of loving a man, therefore, I would go gay. 

So yeah, that was my long short post. I want to say thank you for the replies I got to my last post, people here are really nice. Thank you in advance for your responce

[roland.o]

Hello Claire190! Have some cake...  :-)

 

I read your other post, and this one. I guess you realize yourself that you are overthinking things, right?

 

3 hours ago, Claire190 said:

There is always that age where girls are starting their sexual lives.

Well, actually, there is not "that age". There's puberty, yes. But some girls are starting their sexual lives early, some later, a few never. You're at an age where many people are struggling with expectations and anxieties. If you're not feeling some things now, that doesn't mean too much. You might feel them next year, or in three years, or in five years. Don't overthink now. Take your time. Don't rush things, and don't push yourself.

 

3 hours ago, Claire190 said:

I always felt a little scared of having sex, but I knew that I would do it because I love the person I am with.

I'm 47. I also felt a little scared of having sex, until recently. And I was wondering what exactly "love" is anyway. But now I'm dating someone, and for the first time in my life, I know I won't be scared of having sex with her. Nervous, sure. But not scared anymore. Not with her.

 

Don't do something you're scared of because you think it is expected, or to get it over with, or because you're making yourself believe that you're in love with somebody. Wait until you've found someone you're comfortable with. Wait until the scare has dwindled to nervousness, until the curiosity or desire is stronger than your fears. Then you'll know you found someone to share this with. And whether that will be a man or a woman, it will be OK either way.

[Claire190]

19 minutes ago, roland.o said:

Hello Claire190! Have some cake...  :-)

 

I read your other post, and this one. I guess you realize yourself that you are overthinking things, right?

 

Well, actually, there is not "that age". There's puberty, yes. But some girls are starting their sexual lives early, some later, a few never. You're at an age where many people are struggling with expectations and anxieties. If you're not feeling some things now, that doesn't mean too much. You might feel them next year, or in three years, or in five years. Don't overthink now. Take your time. Don't rush things, and don't push yourself.

 

I'm 47. I also felt a little scared of having sex, until recently. And I was wondering what exactly "love" is anyway. But now I'm dating someone, and for the first time in my life, I know I won't be scared of having sex with her. Nervous, sure. But not scared anymore. Not with her.

 

Don't do something you're scared of because you think it is expected, or to get it over with, or because you're making yourself believe that you're in love with somebody. Wait until you've found someone you're comfortable with. Wait until the scare has dwindled to nervousness, until the curiosity or desire is stronger than your fears. Then you'll know you found someone to share this with. And whether that will be a man or a woman, it will be OK either way.

Thank you. I know I am overthinking. In fact , my psychologist said that I have obsessive compulsive thoughts regarding sexual orientation. This drives me nuts because HOCD makes me feel like another person. I can't be myself. I know I want a romantic relationship with a male. But my brain says to me that I am in denial. Tho, I am not sure of my demisexuality, considering that I was never in a relationship. 

Edited November 5, 2017 by Claire190
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