Recently discovered that I'm grey-A...still confused

[GreyAcePenguin]

I'd known for years that my sexually wasn't black and white. I'm a 30 year old gay man, I came out 12 years ago and in almost every relationship I've had, there's always been conflict in the bedroom.

 

To make things more complicated, I'm heavily into the rubber and leather scene and it seems that the general assumption is that if you're into all those fetishes, and bondage, that you want to go down on everyone or want to have anal sex. I get sexually aroused by the scenes and fantasies, and even engage in bondage play with others. With those scenes In not opposed to a guy going down on me or having anal sex as a bottom (or anal toys). But it's extremely nauseating for me to even think about sucking a guy off and I'm instantly turned off of I attempt to top him. 

 

With porn, I'll edit out the parts where men are 100% nude, or just jerking off, sucking, anal sex. It has zero appeal to me. I still crave physical contact, snuggling, kissing, holding hands, sleeping together, etc, I still want a relationship and fall in love. 

 

This weekend I'm attending Mr International Rubber in Chicago and a couple of nights ago I was going to get into some rubber bondage with my ex and his pup/boyfriend. Before anything happened, both of them and a friend of theirs were stark naked in the bed together and my ex asked me if I was planning on joining in. I walked out of the room feeling like I was going to cry. 

 

Can anyone make sense of this and help shed some light on this? I would greatly appreciate it. Also, how does one go about dating when you fall into the grey-A spectrum?

[Ratpick]

I don't understand. I like fruit. Cherries, Asian pears.  Red delicious apples that are a little green on the inside. Not so much when they're white. It gets a little mushy. I dont like honey dew, cantaloupe and watermelon. Does that make me a gray fruit lover. Have I been afruitlover all my life and not a fruit lover?  

 

I also don't like sucking off a guy. Does that make me a gray asexual too?  Also, I hear people like drinking piss, even when they're not desperate for water on a deserted island.  Ewwww. Maybe I am asexual. I've been on the wrong side of this thing all my life. In your mind then, who is not asexual. 

[Salted Karamel]

55 minutes ago, Ratpick said:

I don't understand. I like fruit. Cherries, Asian pears.  Red delicious apples that are a little green on the inside. Not so much when they're white. It gets a little mushy. I dont like honey dew, cantaloupe and watermelon. Does that make me a gray fruit lover. Have I been afruitlover all my life and not a fruit lover?  

 

I also don't like sucking off a guy. Does that make me a gray asexual too?  Also, I hear people like drinking piss, even when they're not desperate for water on a deserted island.  Ewwww. Maybe I am asexual. I've been on the wrong side of this thing all my life. In your mind then, who is not asexual. 

OP wasn't talking about asexuality, he was talking about graysexuality. Which is technically everything between "the norm" and complete asexuality. The question, then, becomes one of defining where "the norm" lies, not whether or not norms can be determined (they can, although I'm not the one to do this for you).

[roland.o]

Hello GreyAcePenguin, welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake...  :-)

 

6 hours ago, GreyAcePenguin said:

not opposed to a guy going down on me

Being "not opposed" doesn't sound like you actually desire it. You might be a sex-neutral asexual?

 

6 hours ago, GreyAcePenguin said:

I still crave physical contact, snuggling, kissing, holding hands, sleeping together, etc, I still want a relationship and fall in love. 

Those are sensual and romantic experiences, which are not necessarily linked to your sexual orientation.

Have you read about the different types of attraction? I found it very helpful to distinguish those:

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction

https://secondlina.deviantart.com/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

In the end, it's up to you how you identify. If you have experienced sexual attraction occasionally, or expect to experience it, grey is a good choice. But if you should realize that your attractions and desires are not of a sexual nature, maybe ace would be a better choice.

 

There's a pinned thread about Kink, BDSM and Cake in the Grey Area forum which might interest you...

https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/72-the-gray-area-sex-and-related-discussions/

 

Now have some more cake  and enjoy your stay!

[GreyAcePenguin]

I'm not saying I don't enjoy the occasional piece of cake, and thank you for offering some , but is there some kind of code that the cake represents? If so, I'd like some clarification here, hehe.

 

I would like to point out that this is all still very fresh for me, as I'm sure it is for many others as well. So I thought this forum would be more "supportive" than the response from RatPick. I know when it comes to sexuality, and the self discovery that leads to it, it is overwhelming in itself. And after having identified as gay for the last 12 years, and NOW suddenly figuring out that it's not black and white like many of us believe when we first come out; we need to support each other.

 

I remember working closely with the LGBT Resource Center at NIU, getting territorial about certain topics that still many do not fully understand isn't going to make the journey any easier. Roland.o, I appreciate your input and suggested resources, I do hope that things become more clear as I continue learning about myself. If we get into the mindset of "oh I need to put this person in their place", then what is really being accomplished here? How is this aligning with the mission of this community? 

 

Just something to keep in mind...

[kaysir]

BDSM scenes and leather and rubber play are not innately sexual. It seems like you're already aware of that fact, but I wanted to say it directly in case you thought otherwise.

 

During actual sexual acts, it sounds like you have a disinterest and an aversion to some acts. That's normal. Nobody wants to do everything with a partner regardless of whether they are sexual, gray, or ace. A lot of people don't like performing oral sex or being the giver in any situation. There might not be light to shed on it. You might just have preferences and dislikes than can make you uneasy sometimes.

 

I also want to mention that not all of the member base here speaks as forwardly as Ratpick. Many people will respond to posts with their own experiences, but no one is supposed to undermine yours. If you feel personally attacked or invalidated, there are many members who'd be willing to help and comfort you.

 

Enjoy your cake! It doesn't mean anything... Or does it? 

[roland.o]

19 hours ago, GreyAcePenguin said:

thank you for offering some , but is there some kind of code that the cake represents?

You're welcome :-) Want some more?   It's a long story... http://wiki.asexuality.org/Cake

 

19 hours ago, GreyAcePenguin said:

So I thought this forum would be more "supportive"

We all have better or worse days, I guess. And not everybody's accustomed to the supportive attitude we're trying to achieve here. The post count may serve as an indication ;-) Also, some subforums have different rules. In the Welcome Lounge or the Tea and Sympathy forum, for example, aggressive posts are not tolerated at all.

 

I trust you will find plenty of supportive people here. And you're welcome to hand out cake to any newcomers, too!

[Ratpick]

I didn't think I was being mean about the situation. I just don't understand what it takes to be supportive. In the right forum, that in itself is a deficiency requiring support. 

 

My question was merely one of semantics. Where on the spectrum does sexual end and gray sexual begin. And then, where does grey sexual  end and asexual begin.  Just to break it down, I like to think I have vanilla interests.  It used to be conventional, and before that normal, but as both those terms have fallen off the PC treadmill, I apologize if a new more socially acceptable term has supplanted vanilla. Anyway, as someone with vanilla interests, I would hazard that your interests with the leather and bondage is more involved, and certainly takes more effort to set up than my interests which really just require taking off the pants. It just seems like a bigger commitment and more effort to partake in your interests, thus you seem more sexual than me if sexual can be defined as the ratio between the effort one is willing to expend over expected sexual payoff

 

I wasn't trying to put anyone in their place. Actually, wouldn't conforming ones sexual preference to the myriad labels we have made to granularize the spectrum of sexual preferences we all have be putting someone in their place?  Oh, hey, is it unsupportive because I'm questioning your desire to label your unique blend of sexual preferences as a route toward self realization, because I'm not. I support this labeling effort!  I'm just curious what criteria you're going to use. I came here because I thought my wife was asexual, it may turn out I am too