Am I gray asexual or just low sex drive ?

[lpdr2017]

Hi all 

I am new to this website and the concept of asexuality and gray asexuals - hoping someone can help me understand myself a little! 

Might be a long story - apologies 

Im a 25 year old girl. Have always identified as straight 

 

Growing up as a teenager I always noticed I was less interested in guys than my friends. I had crushes but they were rarely sexual in my mind. There was one guy who I did end up thinking about sexually when I got to know him better

when I was 16 I had my first boyfriend. Initially I think I was sexually attracted to him, thought of him physically attractive but again sexual fantasies didn’t really come into it? We did end up in a sexual relationship and I didn’t really enjoy it tbh. Only in hindsight do I know that 

We broke up after a couple of years . I don’t think I was in love with him either 

 

I met my current boyfriend at university, and we have now been together 4 years and I do love him. We have great sex , and I really enjoy it, finally know what everyone’s talking about. The way it happened was a bit different .. we were friends first and I sort of subconsciously became attracted to him without even realising. It wasn’t until he started going for someone else that the jealousy kicked in and I realised he was more than a friend to me. Even then, it wasn’t until we kissed and my body responded that I knew I was sexually attracted to him. I’ve always found this weird and none of my friends understood it at the time - you’re either attracted to someone or you’re not right? 

We are generally really happy and we have an amazing connection. We have sex a few times a month, and often I stress that this isn’t enough. Sometimes I feel physically aroused but not mentally in the mood for sex, like I am happy to just fool around and enjoy feeling turned on, I don’t seem to have that drive to do anything about it. Again has always confused us both 

Sometimes I want him absolutely, I’d say this happens a couple of tomes a month, and sorry if TMI but often at certain times in my menstrual cycle! 

Note this frequency has hardly changed throughout our relationship 

sometimes when we’ve been on holiday I’ve been more in the mood and we’re doing it every couple of days. We’re both newly qualified doctors so we are both stressed and tired in our daily

lives 

alongside this I do sometimes fantasise about random people and celebs but it seems to be less than most people do! It also only really started to be sexy to me once I discovered how good sex can be 

Sorry for long post. Does anyone have an idea am I gray asexual or is this a low sex drive thing? 

 

[spacedemi]

Hi there! You may be demisexual, which falls underneath the graysexual umbrella. Those that are demisexual do not feel sexual attraction unless they have formed an emotional bond with the other person. As for fantasies, that is actually pretty common! Some people who identify as under the asexual spectrum have fantasies about celebrities or fictional characters, but don't necessarily feel attraction to others in their direct lives. 

Here's some helpful links on demisexuality:

 

http://demisexuality.org/

 

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Demisexual

 

https://www.glamour.com/story/could-you-be-demisexual

 

 

 

Hope this helps!

[lpdr2017]

I thought about this .. but rarely I have been attracted to complete strangers in real life. But it’s so few I can count them easily ! Very confusing. 

[lpdr2017]

Thank you for your help though  quite probably right! 

[roland.o]

8 hours ago, lpdr2017 said:

Even then, it wasn’t until we kissed and my body responded that I knew I was sexually attracted to him

That's not uncommon at all. "Responsive sexual desire":

http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/

[lpdr2017]

roland.o - oh my gosh I have never heard of that before, but that’s exactly the way I am! Thanks for sharing that  

[Arrilisia]

Hi, there! I am new to this forum too. My story is pretty similar to yours. Although I am about 10 years older. But what you describe is what my 20s were like. Also in a Long term relationship and I always thought it was a low sex drive with my long time partner. And we have a child together. When we first started talking I wasn't really interested in a romantic relationship, then I fell for him the same way, friends first, then jealousy when he was talking to some other girl.  However, in highschool I dated but felt really awkward about touching and holding hands, kissing, etc. I knew I liked boys but they were always friends first before it moved to more than friends. So you are not alone in discovering that you are Demisexual. I just discovered it myself and I am 36!

[Guest]

My story is the same pretty much. I actually thought I was completely asexual after many years of having sex I didn't want but just thought I had to do it, never enjoyed it or anything and eventually completely stopped having it ( for 6 years!) and was soooo much happier than I ever was when I was having it. However at 28 I meet 'the right person' (kind of like you did, we met as friends but quickly developed stonger feelings for each other) and now I love sexual intimacy with him and think about it a lot! I know now my experience isn't actually that uncommon, just for many people it happens earlier than with me. I just identify as a regular sexual person now however I say I'm in a 'greyish' area as I still don't mind if I never physically have sex again and I'd still be unable to want other desire sex with anyone else currently. I'm totally unable to desire it with random people, it's like the bond itself is what makes me want sex. I do think that's common enough to not require a special label though, hence why I ID as regular sexual person now.

[Philip027]

Not really sure what makes you think you have a low sex drive or are particularly abnormal in this regard; reads a lot like a pretty normal person to me that just started off with an underwhelming experience.