Guest Posted November 5, 2017 Share Posted November 5, 2017 My friend told me I can't be demisexual because I think about being in a relationship before I get to know the person. I develop crushes (rarely), but the idea of being sexually active with them when we don't have any type of emotional connection disgusts me. I'm weary of when I even become infatuated with someone and often mistake people I'm interested in for squishes. Most of the time I'm just aesthetically attracted to them, and I don't realize that until someone else points it out. Even though I do get crushes, I would prefer to date someone who's my best friend and my partner. If they're an acquaintance or a stranger, I wouldn't actively try to pursue them if they didn't feel the same way or at all. Is she right? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alex Hamato Posted November 5, 2017 Share Posted November 5, 2017 Quote Demiromantic: a type of grey-romantic who only experiences romantic attraction after developing an emotional connection beforehand. According to the model derived from Ragber's "secondary and primary sexual attraction model", demiromantics do not experience primary romantic attraction, but they are capable of secondary romantic attraction. I'm faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar far from an expert on "romantic love" since I don't even understand what that is fully myself. But being as you've said that you prefer to date somebody who's your best friend and partner who reciprocates your feelings, that sounds like the definition here. Especially when it says, "... who only experiences romantic attraction after developing emotional connection beforehand." Now, if you were going to ask about secondary and primaary sexual attraction models or primary and secondary romantic attraction, I'm out of my element. But I do have a friend back where I grew up who identifies as a Demiromantic and she sounds a lot like you. She gets mistaken for asexual a lot until she establishes a really close friendship with somebody and dates them. And even then, she doesn't date all her friends or anything. Only certain people. And by certain people, even that is rare. I think she's only dated one or two people and she's 23. And for her, gender isn't really brought into consideration either. I guess I've always seen it like monogamous relationships to the extreme? Where there's really no room for casual dating at all, which is totally cool! There's none of that senseless fling where you throw your heart on the line and get it broken or whatever. So that there's always a strong foundation of friendship before there's even a possibility of going anything beyond that. So yeah. Demiromantic sounds about right from what you've said so far. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted November 5, 2017 Share Posted November 5, 2017 Hello midnightlooks, welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake... :-) 7 hours ago, midnightlightlooks said: My friend told me I can't be demisexual because I think about being in a relationship before I get to know the person. That's nonsense. First of all, thinking doesn't mean much. I've spent a lot of time in my life "thinking" about whether this or that person among my acquaintances might be "the one" with whom I'm going to fall in love reciprocally, and start my first relationship. Only it never happened. Also, "relationship" can be romantic as well as sexual. So even if you'd crush frequently, that's a romantic thing and wouldn't mean that you can't be demisexual. https://secondlina.deviantart.com/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729 It's not uncommon to be put off by the idea of dating with strangers. It doesn't necessarily make you demisexual or demiromantic. But it doesn't mean you're not, either. You are the only one who knows exactly how you feel, so it will be up to you to choose the labels to describe it. From what you wrote, I'd say you might be demisexual and demiromantic. While you're pondering labels, you should also keep in mind that most of them have no universally accepted definition. For example, an older definition of demisexual is based on primary and secondary attraction models. The definition in the AVEN wiki is newer and refers to a strong emotional connection. But in these forums, I've come across people who disagree with that definition, too. They say that a demisexual is someone who requires a very long time to develop sexual attraction to somebody. No emotional bond required there, because it's too hard to define anyway. 7 hours ago, midnightlightlooks said: I would prefer to date someone who's my best friend and my partner. I guess the first few dates with someone are about evaluating whether that person would qualify as a partner? All the best to you. I hope you'll figure yourself out soon. And even more importantly, I hope you'll find what you seek, regardless of whether you know labels for how you feel! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted November 5, 2017 Share Posted November 5, 2017 Oops, sorry, I got your displayname wrong, midnightlightlooks :-( Do you accept my apology with some cake... ? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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