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It's Just So Much


Alex Hamato

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I just read through all the different types of romances and felt really overwhelmed. Like I'm so thick and stupid I can't even figure out what romantic means still. Obviously I don't want to have sex with anybody. Otherwise I wouldn't be here. Unless I really do have a physical hormonal problem and should see a doctor but whatever I hate hospitals and I'd rather just repress my problems anyways. But it's like... what is romance? Holding hands makes my skin crawl. Kissing sounds like I might as well be growing another head out of my neck for all the sense it makes to me. Two faces like... meshing together... Of course, I've never kissed anybody. Or thought about it at all. Because ugh? 

But THEN - this is the horribly confusing part that I hate about myself - I still feel emotions and shit. Like I'll get red-faced and anxious when somebody flirts with me and yeah, I'll run away. But I'll run away EMOTIONALLY. I'm not Spock. And if I know somebody "likes" likes me and they're a suitable possible date-but-not-really-because-what-is-date? person then I get the whole light chest/twisted stomach feeling. Unless I know that the person isn't worth my time and then I'm like, "Go away," and that's that. But how can you be romantic if you don't want to have any physical contact with a person? Is that even possible? Or am I just broken or something because I had a messed up childhood and I should just wrap it up to emotional trauma and repress more? Like it wasn't the worst childhood but I'm definitely not going to trust males easily. As illogical as it is. Or whatever. 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM. Women can be really hot. Men can be really hot. Actually, anybody can be really hot. Like gender has literally nothing to do with it. I'd go on about gender being a social construct but I shouldn't get into an anthropological rant this early in the morning after being up for so long... and dude, like, I'm pretty sure I prefer other people getting together more than me. But porn freaks me out. Even hearing sex terrifies me. Like I have intense anxiety. But, uh... again with history whatever, but yeah. See, I can't tell what's wrong with me biologically or psychologically or if it's just me as a person and I've been on this site for way too many hours just spamming you dudes and I'm waiting to be kicked off this site for being an utter menace. It's weird because I hate going to doctors and being diagnosed but I seriously wish somebody would tell me what's wrong with me. 

 

Quote
  • Aromantic: a person who experiences no romantic attraction to others. 
  • Biromantic: A person who is romantically attracted to members of two different sexes or genders.
  • Heteroromantic: a person who is romantically attracted to members of the opposite sex or gender. 
  • Homoromantic: a person who is romantically attracted to members of the same sex or gender. 
  • Panromantic or Omniromantic:a person who is romantically attracted to others but is not limited by the other's sex or gender.

Romanticism and aromanticism, as sexuality and asexuality, can be put on a scale of intensity or frequency, therefore the following terms can also be taken into consideration:

  • Grey-romantic or Gray-romantic: a person with a romantic orientation that is somewhere between aromantic and romantic. One type of gray-romantic is called demiromantic.
  • Demiromantic: a type of grey-romantic who only experiences romantic attraction after developing an emotional connection beforehand. According to the model derived from Ragber's "secondary and primary sexual attraction model", demiromantics do not experience primary romantic attraction, but they are capable of secondary romantic attraction.

People who have a non-binary gender identity may find the following terms useful:

  • Androromantic: a person (regardless of their gender) who is romantically attracted towards male-identified people; it helps defining romantic attraction for people who don't identify in the gender binary system, and can't say which gender is “same” or “opposite” to theirs.
  • Gyneromantic or Gynoromantic: a person (regardless of their gender) who is romantically attracted towards female-identified people; it helps defining romantic attraction for people who don't identify in the gender binary system, and can't say which gender is “same” or “opposite” to theirs.
  • Transromantic: a person who is romantically attracted towards transgender person(s). Generally used in the trans* community to describe trans* people who are exclusively attracted to other trans* people.

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This is why I avoided this conversation for six years. I can't even define or understand romantic love/attraction. 

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Hello, and here, have some lavender tea; does wonders for when I feel like that gif myself. ;)

 

First, I think what would be a lot of help is to dismiss the idea that there's something 'wrong' with you; there's NOTHING wrong with you. You have very set ideas on what you don't want, and that's perfectly fine. It does sound like whatever went on during your childhood has an influence on how you're feeling, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it alone is what brought you to this point.

 

Second, there are plenty of people who are interested in giving extra attention to someone they care about (technically romance if you take all of the broad metaphors out) without maintaining much contact; I personally found it REALLY hard to kiss someone up until I met my then-future-husband (because icky SPIT!) and I've yet to have my first sheet romp.  Just don't want it. But I share a connection with him that I don't with anyone else; we understand each other on a more spiritual level and pretty much ignore the repeated protests that you HAVE to have intimate physical contact to strengthen the bond between us. We've done fine for 7 years without it.

 

It does sound to me like you're dreading getting into any kind of more-than-friends relationship because of how you feel and anticipating that they might not want to stay hands-off like you do. Again that's not a bad thing; it can help you weed out the people who just want to get what they want and scram rather than staying with you for you. On the other hand, nobody says you have to be looking to start a relationship yet at all; mine came when I wasn't looking for it.

 

The many definitions of romance are a good guide for people who want to try and find out more about how they're feeling, but in the end you're the one who makes the final determination. They're also not the only definitions in the entire world by any means, so don't feel too stressed out if no single one entirely fits. ;)

 

It can be a devil of a time finding yourself out, especially if you've kept it all away for so long. I sincerely hope talking things out with us in here will help shed some more light on the subject for you. ^_^

 

 

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