Am I asexual?

[ilikefilms]

Hi I'm new to all this wondering if I may be asexual I think I may be ive been single a long time now and I'm also a virgin I'm 27. I've always liked the idea of having a Boyfriend but find it hard to find the men on these dating sites attractive so I thought maybe I'm gay? But found their pretty yes buy I'm not sexually attracted to them. I found I'm attracted to male movie stars characters I've had sexual fantasies about them. Well I've been on dates with guys but hated holding hands and kissing on the lips felt weird about having a boyfriend rather just be exclusive romantic freinds get sick at thought of kissing or holding hands feels forced I've never initiated kissing or holding hands

[Alex Hamato]

Awesome. You're about the same experience as me, then. I'm 24 and also a virgin with similar, uh... dating? Well, I only technically "dated" once for a month and it ended so badly I didn't do so again ever. But I tried dating sites but they never went anywhere either. And like you, even hand holding is just horrible for me. I've never kissed anybody nor have I ever thought about trying too. If you're still looking for a boyfriend, there's some forums around here that have discussions about dating for asexual people. Whether it's with other asexual people or managing to compromise with somebody who's sexually active. 

 

Have you always felt this apprehensive about physical contact with other people? Or this something that's more recent? 

[ilikefilms]

I love to hug my mum my brother he hates it haha I'm very close to them but people I don't know or I'm not close too or I'm dating it feels strange to kiss on lips or hug them there's no way I could be sexual with them ! 

[ilikefilms]

I think its something I have had for awhile now makes me worried I won't meet anyone

[Alex Hamato]

Hugging your mother and brother is totally different than hugging a lover. Or significant other, if that's a better title/term/whatever. The actual actions of hugging or kissing themselves are not inherently sexual. You could even hug and kiss your mother and brother without it having a sexual undertone. It's just another form of affection and the action itself has different meaning from culture to culture, but also from family to family, and person to person. Since you can't base cultures entirely off of countries or even communities, since households themselves have their own little micro-cultures and stuff. So when it comes to comparing what you do with your family to who you would consider a boyfriend, I wouldn't really go down that route because that could get complicated fast and you'd just be giving yourself a headache by overthinking things, you know? I do that a lot. Not really healthy... 

 

I'm certain you'll definitely meet somebody eventually. It might not be in the way you expect or even fulfill every need you have. You might find a male who has a really low libido who simply isn't that interested in sex. And whatever libido he has, he can take care of himself. And you don't have to be asexual to not be that physically affectionate. Some people just aren't into holding hands or kissing. Whether that's how they were brought up or them simply not liking to be outward with their affection. So you don't have to think, "I HAVE to find somebody asexual if I'm asexual! But that'll be impossible because there's so few of us!" I think you'll be surprised how many people aren't THAT obsessed with sex. And you're even older than me, so you should know that guys in their thirties (at least the few that a really close friend of mine talked too online) weren't that focused on their sex life. Or at least that's how it seemed with her. Of course, she was on eHarmony and she's a virgin like but, but she's also eleven years older than me. So her filters were set to men who also happened to have sex set to being very low on their priority. 

I guess I'm trying to say simply is that it's totally cool to feel strange about kissing somebody or holding their hand. And your fear of being alone is totally justified and real, but I wouldn't let it consume you either. If I were you, I'd focus on your career stuff. Whether that's college or whatever your job is or your dreams/etc. Then just keep an eye out for people and don't be afraid to make the first move and be upfront of where you stand with people. That's how I am. I'm always like, "I don't do sex. Fight me." That scares away like 99% of people, but then you know that 1% will always stay with you. And that's what counts. 

[roland.o]

Hello ilikefilms, welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake... :-)

 

7 hours ago, ilikefilms said:

wondering if I may be asexual

From what you write, you might be a romantic asexual, also known as "Ace of Hearts". And touch-averse. But you could also be demisexual, or some other shade of graysexual. You are the only one who knows exactly how you feel, and even that could change in the future. Therefore, you are the only one who can pick the labels to describe your feelings. And it's OK to change your labels if they should no longer fit at some point.

 

When going out with people, I'd recommend that you don't do things you are uncomfortable with, just because you think they are expected. It doesn't lead you in the right direction. I've heard that on online dating sites, there's a lot of pressure to hook up and get close within a very few dates, or even on the first date. Maybe you can investigate other ways to meet people, in non-dating settings. People with similar interests and hobbies, for example. And then see if you click with one of those, rather than putting the pressure of dating on yourself.

 

All the best to you!