Never Thought I'd Be Here

[Alex Hamato]

The prospect of dying alone has never really bothered me. I've only dated once in my life and by "date" it was more like I forced myself to hang out with a male who showed interest in me because that was the "normal" thing to do. I was eighteen at the time (I'm 24 now) and back then, no other human being had ever shown any interest in me whatsoever. I couldn't bring myself to do more with him than hold hands or... ugh... hug him... It was extremely uncomfortable and I'm so glad I didn't do anything else because he began to show signs of extreme possessive behavior and after researching him online, I found his prison records that said he was convicted for sexual assault with a minor. When I confronted him about it, he confessed it was his seven year old sister. Yeah. I vowed to never date again. Dating just isn't worth it. 

I've never been shy or withdrawn, but I worked all throughout high school and didn't care about relationships or sex at all. Never have. And any of my classmates who engaged in sex would try to get me to join in on their jokes or fun and I'd just be annoyed at it. I suppose it didn't help that the only relationships that my single parent had growing up were extremely abusive ones so I always figured that relationships were just a good way to be vulnerable for other people to harm you and your children. Like a weakness, really. There was no actual point to getting close to somebody like that. I mean, what do you really do all the time? Cuddle on the couch and kiss and watch movies together? I can do that with anybody or just by myself. Getting so attached to somebody where they have emotional control over you just sounded dangerous. Well, I guess it is. I don't know. I'm getting off topic. Ugh. 

The point I'm making is I've never have sex. I don't ever want to have sex but I don't know if I'm an asexual or just have an hormone imbalance...? I have a history of ovarian cysts and have never had a regular period in my life. And I've always chopped up my lack of wanting a relationship with another person as my shady upbringing and inability to trust anybody else. So I figured my physical defect of not wanting sex must be hormonal. Since it's extreme enough where I have absolutely no libido. But then I started to go to college at 21 I made friends who were a part of the LGBTQ community and they said that I was asexual. I didn't know what that was. And for three years I just didn't do anything with it. I mean, whatever. I never fit in with anybody before, why try now? I love seeing other people in love, but I never want that for myself. When I was younger, I would hate romance stories. But now that I'm older I appreciate them more for some reason. You can't not watch Yuuri On Ice and fall in love with their story. Victor and Yuuri are too precious for life. Seriously. Eh, I'm getting off topic again. 

 

So like, I don't want sex, I have no sex drive, and I don't want relationships. Even the idea of holding hands or kissing makes me extremely anxious. Yet I can feel warm and gushy over OTHER PEOPLE in relationships. Like I've never felt jealous or lonely or anything like that, but when I see a happy couple under any affiliation, I just feel really happy. But I don't want this for me...? And I know if I'm attracted to people. I find men and women both equally attractive and can definitely find myself staring, but I don't want to date them or have sex with them or anything like that. And then I've also lived with this female for six years who, uh, I don't know. It's complicated. Well, she's straight. But yeah. I gave up my family pretty much to live with her and I'm wondering if I should try dating... because she's straight...? I mean, I can joke about marrying for tax benefits but it'd be weird to suddenly be like, "Oh, ha ha. No, I'm totally serious about that actually." Because that's so not going to happen. I think I'd rather just like find her a husband or something. I don't know. It's like all the friends I made in college are all married now and even though I don't want relationships there's gotta be something I'm missing. Maybe I just need to go to a doctor and get my ovaries checked out or something. But I hate going to doctors for anything because... ugh... hospitals...

I've never told anybody any of this. I'm not even using my real name. But like... I don't know. It's a miracle if I actually send this through and not delete everything. I think I'm at this crossroads where I don't know if I should move out for the first time in six years and go to a University and leave her behind so that maybe she can be more free too... I dunno... date? But she's not interested in dating either? She's a virgin like me and doesn't date either, but she's a lot older than me. By like eleven years. I think of us like platonic soul mates and always get annoyed when people think we're sisters. Especially since we look nothing alike. Wow, did not mean to ramble about any of these last few paragraphs. But I told myself I would not backspace. I can't afford a therapist so here I am, world! At this point, I don't even know what I'm asking from you people other than, "Help me, what do I do with my life?" Because I sure as hell don't know. Am I asexual? I don't know. I tried telling a dude I was asexual once and he was all, "It pisses me off when people say they're asexual because then they're saying that they're just like a plant." Yeah, dumbass. I reproduce asexually. Just like a tree. 

Do you guys have any, uh... experiences or like... wisdom or anything? It's five in the morning and I haven't slept in like almost two days. Stress, dude... Need to Submit Topic... Just click it... WHY CAN'T PEOPLE BE AS UNDERSTANDING AS CATS!? UGH!!!!!!

[Bloc]

From what you have told you both may be asexual. I cannot tell because I don't know what you are feeling. But this sounds pretty like asexual and aromantic. Maybe you were born this way,  maybe due to a hormonal "imbalance" or due to your experience of your parent's relationships. Is the cause important if you are not distressed by not wanting sex? In my opinion it is more important to find your personal way to happiness than to force your self into something because it is seen as normal. But I can relate to being confused.

 

Your room mate seem to be very important to you. Maybe your relationship fits the model of a queerplatonic relationship.

 

To the ignorant reply of that dude, I cannot give you advise. I was lucky that the people I came out to where understanding. Just a comment:

7 hours ago, Alex Hamato said:

"It pisses me off when people say they're asexual because then they're saying that they're just like a plant." I reproduce asexually. Just like a tree. 

Maybe I am to much a science nerd, but most plant reproduce sexually. Only some plants are both male and female and can pollinate themself. Some plants reproduce by budding, but they also reproduce sexually.

[roland.o]

Hello Alex Hamato, welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake...

 

8 hours ago, Alex Hamato said:

Maybe I just need to go to a doctor

If you know or suspect you have a medical condition, yes, please go to a doctor. As it's not an emergency, take some time to pick one with whom you feel as comfortable as you can. Maybe ask your friends for recommendations. And not every doctor is working in a hospital, at least here in Germany.

BUT: Don't go there to "get fixed". Don't go there expecting that you'll feel different about relationships, touches, or sex after the medical condition is addressed. Just go there to have a check-up and to improve your medical condition.

 

8 hours ago, Alex Hamato said:

I find men and women both equally attractive and can definitely find myself staring, but I don't want to date them or have sex with them or anything like that.

We call that aesthetic attraction around here.

https://secondlina.deviantart.com/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction

 

8 hours ago, Alex Hamato said:

And then I've also lived with this female for six years who, uh, I don't know. It's complicated. Well, she's straight. But yeah. I gave up my family pretty much to live with her

Sounds like a queer-platonic relationship? Or just friends who happen to live together?

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Queerplatonic

 

8 hours ago, Alex Hamato said:

I've never told anybody any of this.

It's great that you came here to share your story. It means that you are taking steps to address some burning questions in your life. I hope we can help you with figuring things out. Putting your thoughts and feelings into words, and sharing those with others, is the right thing to do. It will help you sort your thoughts. And maybe you'll find like-minded people, or useful advice. Personally, I found it very helpful to distinguish the different types of attraction. That's why I shared the links above.

 

All the best to you! And some more cake  :-)

[Alex Hamato]

Well, this dude wasn't much into science. Ha ha ha ha. So he probably wouldn't understand then the importance of bees and why them being endangered and going extinct is so important. But I also wasn't going to go into the debate of plant sexuality into him because asexuality in how I was speaking about it was different from plant reproductive asexuality or whatever. Like how you can take a segment of a plant, replant it, and it'll grow into a new plant. You know, plant propagation and all that. Which is what he was referring to with me. As if I could chop off my arm, stick it in some dirt and make a baby. But since I physically couldn't do that then obviously it's impossible that I'm asexual! Although I haven't finish, my, uh... research or whatever... I just started last night... 

 

Quote

A queerplatonic relationship (or "QPR") is one which is more intense and intimate than what most people regard as a friendship, not fitting the traditional romantic couple model. It is characterized by a strong bond, love, and emotional commitment, yet is not perceived by those involved as romantic or more than a friendship. Being a so-called platonic relationship, it does not comprehend sexuality/eroticism or exclusivity nor it is this what the relationship is organized around. It is defined by the intensity and significance of the emotional connection.

This... oddly sounds extremely accurate. Thank you for finding this. For some really it's cathartic to put words to emotions. Even if's totally one-sided in my case. I would be more than happy to spend the rest of my life with her but I feel like I'd want to do this as more than just a friend. But she's hella straight. Ha ha ha ha ha. So yeah. Six years is a long time but I should probably stop just being here, figure out what I am, and then finally go to that university. Maybe I can meet people from this community there? Usually I hide behind the whole, "I'm just celibate until... marriage..." Which is a total lie since I don't want sex then either. I figured if it was a dude it'd be easier to fake it till I make it but women it'd be trickier? I also know nothing about sex and it's be.. ugh, sex... Oh, no, I got a notifcation while typing this. Do I stop typing and respond and edit later or do I tab out, look and post here without it looking weird? Whatever. There should be an edit button somewhere...

[Alex Hamato]

4 minutes ago, roland.o said:

Hello Alex Hamato, welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake...

 

We call that aesthetic attraction around here.

https://secondlina.deviantart.com/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction

 

It's great that you came here to share your story. It means that you are taking steps to address some burning questions in your life. I hope we can help you with figuring things out. Putting your thoughts and feelings into words, and sharing those with others, is the right thing to do. It will help you sort your thoughts. And maybe you'll find like-minded people, or useful advice. Personally, I found it very helpful to distinguish the different types of attraction. That's why I shared the links above.

 

All the best to you! And some more cake  :-)

Just realized I have no idea how to edit - I FOUND THE EDIT BUTTON. Eh. Whatever. Work. 

 

Anyways! There needs to be a college course on this. Because I've been going through articles and the little snippets of information here and there I find on the site that leads me to links that are very helpful! And that picture was great too. The Aesthetic attraction dude looked just like Benedict Cumberbatch. Which is so relatable. He's a beautiful dude. Distinguishing the different TYPES of attraction is helpful and what I'm struggling with the most, for sure. Especially since I can't really differentiate between "romantic" and "aromantic" that much. It would help if I actually understood romantic better. Or is romantic just like kissing and hugging? Because I was thinking that kissing and hugging can even be aromantic depending on your culture and not seen as having any sexual undertones at all. 

 

Then it's like, is romantic more like showing you love the person by taking care of them? Like putting their needs first? Or if they're gone then you get anxious to the point of not being able to really function right? Well, I guess I can function but it's not fun. I just feel like I'm that fight-or-flight response the entire time if I know she's driving in bad weather and it's been a little too long or she's not in the house and I don't know where she is. Would that be romantic? Or wait, no, I guess parents could get like that too... UGH. Maybe romantic is as simple as wanting to go on dates and whatever. Even though I take her out to eat all the time and we joke about it (even though mines not so much joke as yeah) and we do what other people would totally consider dates on the outside. At least if we weren't in a heteronormative society or whatever. Laptop is dying and I need to go see Thor. I think looking at some colorful aliens and gods and Valkyries beating up bad guys will put me in a better mood.  

[roland.o]

3 minutes ago, Alex Hamato said:

Or is romantic just like kissing and hugging?

Well, kissing and hugging are technically "sensual". Romance is about falling in love... and love is another of those things that's hard to describe. Kissing and hugging are ways to express love, and therefore linked to romance. But there are people who are touch averse, and still can fall in love and experience romantic attraction. So, it's not the same thing.

 

6 minutes ago, Alex Hamato said:

Then it's like, is romantic more like showing you love the person by taking care of them? Like putting their needs first?

Showing love, yes. But it's also romantic to be in love without showing it. And love doesn't require to put the other's needs first. In the long run, relationships work better if you're aware of your own needs as well, and balance them with those of a partner.

It's also hard to tell the difference between platonic (deep friendship) and romantic (love).

 

Take your time. You're not likely to figure things out in just a few days. It took me months of pondering and sharing my experiences to realize what I am. And that's after decades of ignoring the question. Your mileage may vary...

 

10 minutes ago, Alex Hamato said:

I need to go see Thor.

Saw it on Tuesday. It's fun :-)