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Is touch really that important?


Galactic Turtle

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Galactic Turtle

Hello humans. ^_^

 

There was a thread somewhere on here a while ago that was asking if it's possible to be romantic or in a romantic relationship while also withholding touch or being touch averse/repulsed. I responded yes, I think it is, because I thought of romantic love as a feeling that has nothing to do with touch or the want or need to touch however it doesn't seem like this opinion is a very common one. The closest thing I've felt in terms of positioning myself for a romantic relationship spurred no desire for physical contact on my end. In fact that person respecting my space when I said I didn't like being touched I think was the catalyst for me even being able to entertain those types of feelings even if they were only respected for a short amount of time.

 

Beyond romantic relationships which I have no experience in, I also have found myself wondering about touch in friendships. I have had one lifelong friend, someone who I get along with very well (we even shared a closet sized studio apartment one summer in New York without annoying each other even once) yet I always notice the difference in the way she treats me versus her other friends. On Facebook I see her upload pictures of her being hugged or piggybacked or various other positions that involve lots of physical contact with her other friends. I couldn't help but wonder if even after all of these years she might feel more distant from me because touch is something I reject. Another friend of mine who I'm also quite close to suddenly bear hugged me when she was about to leave to go to the airport to go to Taiwan where she'd be living for the foreseeable future. I panicked, felt immediately repulsed, and pushed her away so hard she fell to the ground. I know I hurt her feelings because for the next three weeks she didn't contact me at all. I started wondering if touch is really that important in friendships too?

 

Then again, I started thinking about the importance of touch when my parents expressed how devastated and hurt they were by me consistently shrinking away or flat out rejecting touch from them since around 4th or 5th grade. I didn't know a lack of touch could hurt them that way. It wasn't intentional at all on my part yet those feelings had been building with them for over a decade. I don't understand how touch is inherently related to comfort or compassion or love or affection but apparently I'm strange for not understanding. Things like hugs and cuddles and still being able to "feel love" are always pushed when it comes to asexual awareness but I'm not sure to what extent my rejection of touch or even being in close proximity to people has been hindering any type of relationship I've had or will come to have in the future. It was never my intention to hurt people or make them feel like I didn't care about them but it seems like this is what I've done. I'm sure I love people, I'm certain I do, but there's a huge disconnect between that and touch or even physical proximity.

 

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I, too, hate touch! And I don't think it's important in relationships.... not always
Some people will feel shunned, but a TRUE friend will love you for YOU and you don't like to be touched.
In romantic relationships, though, it's a bit harder. I'm in the camp thinking that the right match would be alright with it. Someone out there feels the same and is perfect, I'm sure.


I'll also plug the health side of it. As humans, our immune systems actually need touch. Babies and infants may even fail to thrive and die without it. Quite seriously. I despise touch, so to get by this by snuggling with my DOG! Touching animals can have the same health benefits as humans, and doesn't make me uncomfortable, so giving my dog a good hug and a pat and some tummy rubs gets me through each day without any detrimental health affects. I'm sure cats and other animals (horses, pigs, varied animal friends) would work just as well.

I don't think love is about touch. For some it may be, but in my mind it's about conversation and devotion, and adoration.  

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Galactic Turtle
3 minutes ago, OldSoul said:

Touching animals can have the same health benefits as humans, and doesn't make me uncomfortable, so giving my dog a good hug and a pat and some tummy rubs gets me through each day without any detrimental health affects. I'm sure cats and other animals (horses, pigs, varied animal friends) would work just as well.

Now that you mention it I do have far more fluffy sweaters, blankets, and stuffed animals than what might be normal for a person my age. I had a cat growing up who also didn't like to be touched. We spent hours sitting on opposite sides of the room. :P

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Great, great post...  As a touch-averse romantic, I can really relate to this.  I've had romantic feelings for someone but disliked being touched by them, and I think I hurt a close friend's feelings by not immediately going for a hug.   =/  If someone even touches me randomly, as a friendly gesture, it bothers me the rest of the day. 

 

In spite of my usual repulsion, I've begun to initiate hugs for people whom I know like hugs, or (very rarely) someone I actually just want to hug.  And I am ok holding hands with the right person.  For me, it really comes down to control, on a subconscious level.  I dislike like feeling at all physically "controlled" by anyone.

 

To answer your question, yes, I think touch is important, being a love language (like sex) for a lot of people.  I just don't speak it very well.  You can love someone deeply without ever touching them; whether they believe you or not depends on if you can communicate in a different love language. 

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Galactic Turtle
1 minute ago, Euna said:

 

In spite of my usual repulsion, I've begun to initiate hugs for people whom I know like hugs, or (very rarely) someone I actually just want to hug.  And I am ok holding hands with the right person.  For me, it really comes down to control, on a subconscious level.  I dislike like feeling at all physically "controlled" by anyone.

This is true. The few times I've voluntarily touched people over the years it felt a lot better when I was the one initiating it. I hugged my friend in 9th grade and I hugged my dad in 12th grade but since then (six years) the only voluntary contact I've had with people has been handshakes. At a time in college when I was trying to make a conscious effort to open up to people physically, I was forced into an encounter with sexual intent which kind of put the breaks on everything and made my tolerance for touch drop down to zero. Now I find myself feeling stuck and increasingly frustrated when I face the reality that people don't view touch the way I do.

 

But I'm also happy that someone else thinks love is possible without touch! In terms of communication I do think I'm good at talking to at least some of my friends even though I have a track record for being a bit blunt even if I don't mean to.

 

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Im sexual and likes both touching, sex and touching that leads to sex. This is a bit of a problem with my asexual wife,who needs me to step carefully and take care of not constantly violating (to some extend) her personal space. Big problem is/was when she feared that the hug could turn into foreplay and expectations about sex.

 

 For me, touching comes naturally. It is also a spectrum from being close/feeling close to being all over/inside/ be as one body. Moving sex aside in my response, then touch/skin contact feels like a way of saying " i like you". It often equals a smile. Or equals a sweet word. 

Or to say it with the opposite wording. Avoiding touch feels like a natural way of saying "something is wrong and i dont like you". You disgust me or being close to you, disgust me. If i am covered in faeces, then i can wash it off, and the faeces will not disgust anymore.

 

I understand why some couples who feels like they are drifting apart and are losing the love they had in the beginning are recommended to put hugs on the agenda again. The skin contact, for the majority of people, is making them feel seen and connected. I think a huge difference in 'touch' is just as big as the issue about 'sex'! 

 

Nobody should be forced/pressured to either touch nor sex. But if it important to get the message across, that you love someone, then it is important to find a way to say and receive that message. 

 

At least for me, the love and the belonging together is most important. 

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NerotheReaper

I am weird in the sense, I HATE touch from strangers and 99% of people. Like even if someone is in my personal space it stresses me out.  At the same time, I like being cuddled, hugged, gently touched by people I love and those who I am close to. I heard I wish I could provide a source at the moment, but apparently hugging and touching releases endorphins for a lot of people. So this makes creates a desire, what is described as a  'happy feeling' or 'feeling good'  you get from let's say being hugged you get endorphins, and with anything that does release endorphins people will seek that feeling out again, because it felt so good they want to seek it out again. It is almost like this weird natural positive drug your own body produces. People may touch one another to try to get close to them, and the touch doesn't need to be sexual. It can be very innocent, but to them physical contact builds a bridge the same way someone may connect or grow closer intellectually. 

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5 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

Then again, I started thinking about the importance of touch when my parents expressed how devastated and hurt they were by me consistently shrinking away or flat out rejecting touch from them since around 4th or 5th grade. I didn't know a lack of touch could hurt them that way. It wasn't intentional at all on my part yet those feelings had been building with them for over a decade.

I can relate to that - I bitterly remember the few times when I rejected someone wanting to hug me ; their incomprehension, their feeling of rejection (they automatically think I don't like them enough) and my own surprise (I "witness" my own body's reflexes). I think the most important thing is to have an explanation after this kind of "missed contact", to make sure there is no misunderstanding (and I regret not having had this little talk, to make myself clear - no, I DON'T hate you, I jus't can't do that).

 

I have mixed feelings about hugging : on the one side, I yearn for it as the closest physical contact I have ever been with anybody - on the other side, I'm always disappointed and find it bland plus reaaaally awkward when doing it :huh: I, too, initiated it a few times, but always after asking the person for permission - never been really natural (??).

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I'm one of those aces who actually crave touch, holding hands, hugs, massages, feet touching when we're in bed... as long as it all doesn't cross some intimate boundary.

 

If my romantic relationship didn't have any of that, I'd feel like there wasn't enough warmth in it - I guess sexual people feel the same about sexless romantic relationships. If there's no sex, they feel affection-starved. No touch would be perfectly fine in a friendship, but for me romantic relationships have that extra physical affection element. 

 

The tricky part is people may think "if X likes this and that, I can go further and do something more..." It's hard to have an inbetweeny boundary. It's like with a cat - stroke some places, oh yeah purr purr super nice, stroke another and the cat looks puzzled at first and then the claws come out :D     

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Galactic Turtle
6 hours ago, MrDane said:

Nobody should be forced/pressured to either touch nor sex. But if it important to get the message across, that you love someone, then it is important to find a way to say and receive that message. 

I guess that's my problem. It's hard for me to get the message across. Even though my friends respect my boundaries and even though we have what I would consider to be intimate conversations, there's always another friend who can offer more than me simply because they're accepting of touch. I'd say it's a bit concerning more than upsetting. I really value my friendships so to know I might not automatically be contributing my fair share just because I tell people not to touch me... I don't see a way to work around that. I'm just always placed in the corner as the "strange but cool once you get to know her" friend.

 

3 hours ago, NerotheReaper said:

I heard I wish I could provide a source at the moment, but apparently hugging and touching releases endorphins for a lot of people. So this makes creates a desire, what is described as a  'happy feeling' or 'feeling good'  you get from let's say being hugged you get endorphins, and with anything that does release endorphins people will seek that feeling out again, because it felt so good they want to seek it out again.

See to me that's the same as most other people on this site reading an article about all the health/chemical/emotional benefits of masturbating, sex, or even kissing. I can read it over and over again, but there's no connection there for me, not with anyone no matter how close we are. It takes a lot of effort for me to not push my grandmother away because if I do she'll topple over and break something. So intellectually I suppose what you said makes sense, but in real life I'm just at a loss of how to counter that. On one hand I really do love online communications. I've known people for years online and since we've never met in person, not touching is never an issue.

 

3 hours ago, Mirae said:

I think the most important thing is to have an explanation after this kind of "missed contact", to make sure there is no misunderstanding (and I regret not having had this little talk, to make myself clear - no, I DON'T hate you, I jus't can't do that).

The thing is no matter how much I say "don't touch me" or "touching just feels wrong to me so can you please not do it?" people keep doing it anyway or asking me about it or mocking me for it. I told my parents not to touch me for half my life before I finally got the point across by blowing up in their face about it one day. Even now my friends from high school think it's funny. If I say "wouldn't you not like it if people kept randomly coming up to you and shoving their fingers in your mouth?" all of a sudden I'm exaggerating to them. So after all of this I just find myself not saying anything and rely completely on my body language. I didn't meet someone who respected my boundaries until I was almost done with college but over time even they said they were concerned about my mental wellbeing. 

 

51 minutes ago, InariYana said:

I'm one of those aces who actually crave touch, holding hands, hugs, massages, feet touching when we're in bed... as long as it all doesn't cross some intimate boundary.

My intimate boundary only extends to having deeply personal conversations though. The desire for touch doesn't exist for me just as the desire for sex (I'm assuming) doesn't exist for you. I'm starting to think that my connection with people might grow increasingly one-way as I get older.

 

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2 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

The thing is no matter how much I say "don't touch me" or "touching just feels wrong to me so can you please not do it?" people keep doing it anyway or asking me about it or mocking me for it. I told my parents not to touch me for half my life before I finally got the point across by blowing up in their face about it one day. Even now my friends from high school think it's funny. If I say "wouldn't you not like it if people kept randomly coming up to you and shoving their fingers in your mouth?" all of a sudden I'm exaggerating to them. So after all of this I just find myself not saying anything and rely completely on my body language. I didn't meet someone who respected my boundaries until I was almost done with college but over time even they said they were concerned about my mental wellbeing. 

Ouch, okay, I get what you're saying - be brave and patient then ! all my mental force and encouragements to you !

 

When nobody respects your interpersonal space, it can be hell - experienced it once with a girl that apparently couldn't take her hands off me. And no matter how many times I told her to stop touching me, she would retaliate the next moment. I got suuper-hyper angry, called her names (and I'm usually a nice and discrete person, so I was really overwhelmed) and was on the verge of going violent.

 

In these cases, reestablishing distance is the best - I know it must not be easy when it's your own family, but when nothing seems to work, it remains the best solution - if the presence of people who can't even respect you makes you miserable, then why making efforts being near them when they obviously don't (make any effort) ?

(it may bit a bit radical, difficult to apply, but I don't see any other way...)

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Galactic Turtle
15 minutes ago, Mirae said:

In these cases, reestablishing distance is the best - I know it must not be easy when it's your own family, but when nothing seems to work, it remains the best solution - if the presence of people who can't even respect you makes you miserable, then why making efforts being near them when they obviously don't (make any effort) ?

(it may bit a bit radical, difficult to apply, but I don't see any other way...)

I only go home on the holidays now and as for my friends, I haven't seen any of them in person since June so we've defaulted to online communications. I like it this way and since I don't seem to miss people even when we have distance between us it hasn't bothered me. Of course this was only possible because I moved away. There's a chance I could be moving to a place that's less isolated soon but even then I'll be about two hours away from my friends. I hope that kind of like with holidays for my family, when I do go up to meet them we won't run into the type of issues that arise when we spend prolonged periods of time together. It's not the most ideal situation. My dream is still to live with a close friend, but I think something about me makes others uncomfortable or at the very least a second choice roommate just because I might come off as cold (I like to be alone in my room when I'm at home). I still am just frustrated that if I can't change myself my chances of having strong connections with others as I get older will rapidly decrease.

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13 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

My dream is still to live with a close friend, but I think something about me makes others uncomfortable or at the very least a second choice roommate just because I might come off as cold (I like to be alone in my room when I'm at home). I still am just frustrated that if I can't change myself my chances of having strong connections with others as I get older will rapidly decrease.

It's already very commendable of you to challenge yourself like this !! - with all due respect to this dear Tolstoy, you're not "everyone" :D("Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself")

Don't worry and find a way to make your dream of friendly colocation happen without being untrue to yourself - compromises,  compromises... :)

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I'm not touch averse person but can relate to OPs post. I prefer not being touched and don't respond when touched. But I have noticed recently that touch is not just a sign of affection, it's used as communication too.

Example, touch- hug is used as greetings. Imagine if you say hello to someone and they don't respond. Don't you feel they were rude? Ignored? Or you feel stupid for even saying hello in first place, you could have ignored them anyway. It's the same with touch, similar feelings go through a person's mind when they hug you and you don't respond. I am trying to change myself to be more touch-ey person, but it's hard- I am afraid I will hurt them or they will not respond back- so now I understand what others felt when I didn't respond to their touch.

Especially in Europe, I have noticed friends touch each other a lot- grabbing hands to lead them somewhere, patting- indicating approval or agreement etc I have noticed so many, I can't even remember- but every touch made sense even if I sat like a stone Lol. All these touches express different actions and emotions.

In the friends photo which you described, they weren't necessarily showing affection by touching each other- I would interpret as expressing joy (or if the photo seems stupid or silly- they are expressing humor).

After observing the way touches work, I feel like I am a walking statue who can't express any emotion- I am embarrassed of myself.

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Mychemicalqpr

I don't consider myself touch averse, but I relate to what some of you have said about wanting to be in control of touch. Even if I'm comfortable with someone, if they surprise me, I can have that involuntary freak out reaction. Generally though, I love hugs, and I want them. 

 

I think it's awful when people don't respect others' boundaries, even if they seem strange. We all like and dislike different things for different reasons. I think knowingly nonconsensual touch should be frowned upon whether or not it is sexual. It can still be damaging. 

 

I don't think touch is always necessary for a romantic relationship, just like sex isn't. It needs negotiation between partners though. I personally would be fine with having a touch averse partner given that I'm probably only going to date other polyamorous or flexible people and would be free to platonically or romantically meet my cuddle needs elsewhere. I couldn't exclusively commit to a relationship with no touch, but it's very unlikely that I would commit to an exclusive relationship in any case. 

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6 minutes ago, Chihiro said:

Example, touch- hug is used as greetings. Imagine if you say hello to someone and they don't respond. Don't you feel they were rude? Ignored? Or you feel stupid for even saying hello in first place, you could have ignored them anyway. It's the same with touch, similar feelings go through a person's mind when they hug you and you don't respond.

Very good remark ; the lack of reciprocity is delicate...

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Honestly, I don't think I could feel very close to someone romantically if I wasn't allowed to touch them. It would feel like something was missing and there was a wall between us. I'm flexible on what forms of touch, but there has got to be some sort of physical intimacy. 


With friends, I don't particularly like touch much. Hugs are only allowed from a few specific people I'm close to. Most people are not allowed to touch me, period. 

 

Is it needed in a romantic relationship? No. Not for everyone. But, it can be a very big deal breaker to someone, just like the no sex thing. 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Chihiro said:

I'm not touch averse person but can relate to OPs post. I prefer not being touched and don't respond when touched. But I have noticed recently that touch is not just a sign of affection, it's used as communication too.

Example, touch- hug is used as greetings. Imagine if you say hello to someone and they don't respond. Don't you feel they were rude? Ignored? Or you feel stupid for even saying hello in first place, you could have ignored them anyway. It's the same with touch, similar feelings go through a person's mind when they hug you and you don't respond.

Good point, @Chihiro 

Most people would consider a hello-hug to be warmer, friendlier and closer compared to a wave from a distance. Therefore they move closer to communicate their positive feelings through a body-action. 

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On 11/5/2017 at 5:11 AM, Galactic Turtle said:

I have had one lifelong friend, someone who I get along with very well (we even shared a closet sized studio apartment one summer in New York without annoying each other even once) yet I always notice the difference in the way she treats me versus her other friends. On Facebook I see her upload pictures of her being hugged or piggybacked or various other positions that involve lots of physical contact with her other friends. I couldn't help but wonder if even after all of these years she might feel more distant from me because touch is something I reject.

I assume no. She seems to be someone who really gets that you're touch averse, and is at ease when communicating with you in other ways.

 

On 11/5/2017 at 6:31 AM, Galactic Turtle said:

The few times I've voluntarily touched people over the years it felt a lot better when I was the one initiating it.

If touch is a language, it is a foreign language to you. Imagine somebody babbling at you in a language you hardly understand, and expecting an immediate response - it cannot work. I'd be shocked and overwhelmed if that happened to me. But if you can prepare to speak the foreign language, if you have time to learn a few sentences by heart, and you know the typical responses that can be given, you could communicate in that foreign language just a bit.

Maybe that's a way forward, if you want to try? Pick some close friends, explain or remind them that you don't handle it well if you're being touched unexpectedly, and tell them that you would like to initiate touches occasionally. Maybe the'll agree to help you practice that language, without getting into the habit of babbling at you :-)

 

I lived a significant part of my life basically without touches. I've been single and living alone for, like, ever. And I was not exactly in the habit of even shaking hands when seeing friends. Saying Hello is enough of an acknowledgement when you meet somebody, isn't it? I did notice, however, that a few friends and family members whom I'd see only every few months would hug me when meeting or departing. Not a forceful bear hug, but a friendly embrace. I guess they somehow picked up on me subconsciously keeping a distance, and they wanted to bridge the gap. Unlike you, I am not touch averse, so I can appreciate and return these gestures. But they're still rare enough that I consciously register them every time.

Close to ten years ago, I started practicing martial arts. I wanted to improve my physical fitness, and I wanted to learn how to control and use my body more deliberately. As it turned out, the martial art I started with is a close-combat style. When I first realized that, my reaction was "Oh no - I wanted to keep people away from me!". But I kept practising, and became more than just comfortable with it. At the heart of this martial art is a training called Chi Saoo, where you learn to feel the slightest movement of your partner/opponent, and how to respond to it. It's basically about learning the language of touch. I have since started ballroom dancing, too. That's also an activity where touch is key. Leader and follower have to get into a common flow in order to make that kind of dancing fun and enjoyable.

 

Sorry if I started to ramble and reminiscent. You got me thinking there :-) Still, if you want to learn the language of touch, there are ways to do it.

 

All the best to you! :cake:

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At the end of the day it comes down to whether you find a way to express your feelings in a way that is recognized and understood. Could be words, could be touch, could be gestures, could be a combination of any of these or something completely different. All you need is person A knowing "If person B does [thing], it means XY."

I have this one friend who practically doesn't leave the house without makeup. It's partly handicraft, partly her "hiding her real self" from the outside world and partly for medical reasons. It took a while, but she hasn't felt the need to smash her face with paint when I'm around for years now. Point is, I know what that means and it's so much better than any half-assed hug you get just because "that's what people do".

 

It's one way to communicate and it's something you'd have to figure out for every relationship separately. Touch is basically meaningless if you can't translate it to something.

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So in general I'm a hugger and like to be platonicly touched.  However there are times that I withdraw either from somebody in particular or people in general and don't want to be touched.  Yes, my changability had caused problems at time.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I do need touch from close friends and family. I am fine with greeting hugs of co-workers.

 

I use touch and hugs at work to comfort both patients and their families (after asking).

 

It is part of my language of caring.

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I'm very sensual, however I don't like being touched by anyone except those who are the closest to me emotionally. I do respect other people's boundaries and if I had the best friend who doesn't like to be touched, then I would respect that and still be very good friends- in that case, to me it doesn't change anything.

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  • 2 weeks later...

With me it very much depends on the person. I've noticed I'm very physical with my immediate family. We hug, ruffle each other's hair, poke or mock-fight a lot. I have had a few close friends with whom I do similar things and enjoy it. But beyond that I only really tolerate hello and goodbye hugs from friends I don't see often. I absolutely hate it when people expect to be individually greeted with a handshake or a hug when I see them for the third time that week though. Especially when they start hugging you before you even really know their name. I'm generally too surprised and taken aback when that happens to do anything and too uncomfortable telling people I barely know that I don't like being touched. And I've found that when I do try to explain, it's generally met with confusion and a complete lack of understanding.

Ironically, I love ballroom dancing and tango, despite the importance of touch. I think it might be because for me, the touching isn't about the dancers, it's just a part of the dance, much like the music.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

I tend not to hug just in case the person misinterprets or doesn't want it (I have trouble second guessing human behaviour so err on the side of caution), but I don't mind hugs. I hug my daughter all the time and now also her boyfriend (when we are saying goodbye at bus stations eg), but otherwise not.

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Lord Jade Cross

Only sort of hugging I like is hugging my pillow when I do t want to get out of bed.

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