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Figuring out romantic (gender) orientation when demiromantic


The Gnat (Natalie)

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The Gnat (Natalie)

This is a question basically for demi- and grey-romantics, but anybody's welcome to chime in, of course. I'm demiromantic, and I mostly feel like I'm demi-heteroromantic, but I'm not sure because I've only ever had one crush. In spite of that, I think I have different feelings towards men than women. When I spend time with male friends and acquaintances, I know I'm not feeling any romantic attraction to any of them at them moment, but it's like there's this underlying feeling of what I would describe as 'capacity for romantic attraction' that I don't feel toward women. I'm just curious if any other demis or greys relate to that feeling. There's also a part of me that thinks that feeling might just be compulsory heterosexuality (or, in this case, heteroromanticism) at work.

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swirl_of_blue

I used to assume I was heteroromantic as well, because I had never had any interest in any woman, so I kind of "defaulted" to heteroromanticism. I can't exactly remember when I first decided to change my label, but I started to think more "to date, I've only had crushes on men but who knows if that's how it will always be?" and started to identify as panromantic (but one whose crushes have so far all been on men, by chance). It took several years before I actually developed a crush on a woman after I changed my label, but it did eventually happen so I guess I had some unconscious hunch of what I really was. So I think at least what I originally thought of my orientation was very much compulsory heteroromanticism, and it took years for me to really start of thinking of other genders as an option. Now I have generally adopted an attitude of "anything might happen one day, but I have no way of knowing it before it actually happens" and would probably identify as a panromantic even if I only had crushes on people of one gender - I simply wouldn't have met the right people who happened to be of other genders than the one opposite of my biological sex, but who was I to say I wouldn't eventually meet one?

 

However, I'm not sure if I would be a very useful "case study" as I don't even think of people as particularly gendered anymore - you could think of it as considering people as being a mixture of different traits, of which sex and gender are only two and those two aren't more important to me than for example eye color or height. I don't think this is how most people think, especially those only attracted to one gender, be it their own or the opposite one.

 

I wouldn't stress about your label. Keep your eyes open, don't let any label you choose to adopt restrain you and just adopt a "wait and see" attitude. Since you feel different about potentially being attracted to men than women there's a good chance that you are heteroromantic, but if you feel it's just because of the society's heteronormativity feel free to adopt another label.

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