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WithAnOunceOfDignity

Is It An Ace Trait: Desperate Measures?

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WithAnOunceOfDignity

I was reading a post from a while ago that was basically saying that because the poster experiences attraction so rarely, they act insane ("unethically" as they called it) when they do and end up either scaring the object away or not acting at all. Several comments indicated that others had experienced this. 

 

I have experienced this exact same phenomenon. Because it's so rare that I experience attraction at all, I get obsessed and start acting very unwisely when I do because it feels like my last/only chance. The last time such a thing happened, it meant 4 years of desperate suffering in high school and that ordeal is what set me on the path to realizing I'm grace - after it, I realized that I couldn't be attracted to anyone else and went on a long search to figure out why. At first, I thought maybe I was emotionally exhausted from the chasing, or that everyone around me was just subpar, but after a few years of being out of the situation, I realized it was probably something deeper. 

 

Can we talk about this? Because I had the hardest time trying to run self-diagnostics and figure out why I was crazy in high school. If I had known, that other people had been in the same boat and that it was because I was acting on a scarcity mentality, it would've helped at least a little bit. 

 

Have any of you ever done this? Please, share your experiences and how you deal(t) with it.

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Polygon

It might be a bit amplified in aces since fewer crushes over long periods of time -> probably pretty strong crushes, but I assure you pretty much everyone acts crazy in front of their crush/squish/squash. Y'know, tongue-tied, think of a funny joke and it comes out in a flipped word order, generally nervous around them -- all normal things. Just don't think of trying to impress or single out that person in every single interaction because that's what causes the nervousness/clumsiness. Just get to know them as a friend, and that nervousness around them melts away. 

 

It's important to act on it eventually, though. So long as they're not a complete jerk, the worst you'll get is a polite "no", and that'll be the end of it, or best-case scenario it works out. There really is nothing to lose, and nothing to be nervous about. 

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WithAnOunceOfDignity

In my case, it was quite a bit more than clumsiness or social awkwardness. If I'd acted like I did as an adult, I'd probably have a harassment charge against me. I think the person in the post I was reading was on a similar level.

 

All because it feels like your very last chance at love is on the line and to just let it slip through your hands would be to damn yourself. :(

 

Edit: It feels like you're at war with the universe and you have to fight zealously to earn their love even if it's impossible. 

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WithAnOunceOfDignity

It also doesn't help that I have an extreme aestheti-sensual attraction to a virtually non-existent demographic.

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KendraPM

I suppose it could be. I relate to half of it, the "this may be my last shot of actually being with someone" whenever I develop a crush, but I also do not pursue. Never have, I just don't feel comfortable in that role, it does not come naturally to me. So when I get a crush, I watch what I do very carefully and usually go out of my way to be casual around them.

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colossalpenguins

I feel like, in a way, my experiences have been the opposite to this. On the occasions when I have felt like I liked someone in a crush-y sort of way and they've liked me back I've always ended up feeling like they like me much more strongly than I like them and that my feelings aren't strong enough/are in some way subpar. The last person that I liked ended up liking me so much more I ended up feeling smothered by them, like I couldn't be me because they wanted so much more than I was able to give them. Needless to say, that did not end particularly well.

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Innieminnie

There were four times I recognized a crush: once in first grade, twice in an online game, and once to an anime character. I only ever confessed in first grade, and fondly tell it to anyone that'll listen. In the online game, I was a tween who liked the idea of kissing and the look of the other person's character. It did not last long as I was only interested in the *kiss* and that's it (wasn't enough drama for the other person). The second person in the game I actually considered a friend and liked to talk to. Unfortunately, my feelings did not last because of a friend of his. It probably wasn't her fault, but she was in a bad mood and insulted our relationship because it was over the web. I felt awkward after that, the feelings really died an awful death. I waited until he broke up with me. The anime character was probably the longest at four years. A bit embarrassing that, but what can you do? One I was too young for, two I was just a tween for, and the other was....well you know. I didn't particularly like how I acted in any of them, but again, I consider myself too young then. I tend to avoid all situations that concern romance now. I really despise how nervous I get around any of the opposite sex. Ugh. Does that count? I avoided and was generally an ugly person to those I dated online afterwards, mostly avoided.

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FinallyReadyToBeHere
On 11/3/2017 at 2:51 PM, colossalpenguins said:

I feel like, in a way, my experiences have been the opposite to this. On the occasions when I have felt like I liked someone in a crush-y sort of way and they've liked me back I've always ended up feeling like they like me much more strongly than I like them and that my feelings aren't strong enough/are in some way subpar. The last person that I liked ended up liking me so much more I ended up feeling smothered by them, like I couldn't be me because they wanted so much more than I was able to give them. Needless to say, that did not end particularly well.

This sounds a lot like how many of my relationships begin and end...

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colossalpenguins
4 hours ago, FinallyReadyToBeHere said:

This sounds a lot like how many of my relationships begin and end...

Sucks, doesn't it. In this case we had major communication issues regarding what each of us thought going slow meant. I've been told by friends since then that my version of slow was not unreasonable and I still can't decide if that makes me feel better or worse about the whole thing.

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drjohnhwatson

I can kind of agree with this.  The way that some people act that are asexual kind of...scares me?

 

:unsure:.

 

They come on too strong, way too fast, and whenever things don't seem to be going swell for them, they flip over the rails and it's like their whole world is crumbling around them.  I was actually talking to someone on a different asexual site about this, and how I think that everyone needs to just calm down and take a deep breath.


To be fair, though, I think that sort of culture is common with dating--at least when it involves an online aspect.  It seems like everyone wants to be the first one out the gate running, and if you don't nab somebody right away and lock that shit down, you're done.  You're over.

 

Then again, maybe people think that I'm the weird one and their pace is the normal average.  Who knows, haha.

 

:lol:.

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FinallyReadyToBeHere
19 hours ago, colossalpenguins said:

Sucks, doesn't it. In this case we had major communication issues regarding what each of us thought going slow meant. I've been told by friends since then that my version of slow was not unreasonable and I still can't decide if that makes me feel better or worse about the whole thing.

It does. I wonder if this is perhaps a thing that Ace's tend to go through as well: this tortured time of not knowing whether it's you or if it's them.

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colossalpenguins
18 minutes ago, FinallyReadyToBeHere said:

It does. I wonder if this is perhaps a thing that Ace's tend to go through as well: this tortured time of not knowing whether it's you or if it's them.

I've been reassured by friends who are worried that this'll put me off the idea of dating forever/make me think that all sexual people just can't take it slow/respect my aceness that it's not just an ace thing and that plenty of sexual people  have these issues too. I'd imagine that it's probably something an awful lot of people go through when navigating romance and relationships. For us it can just happen at a later time because we can be more hesitant to get into a relationship or take longer to find someone we want to try a relationship with, maybe. Obviously not all of us all the time but even when I was in that relationship I could see a lot of similarities between the problems I was having with communication and teenage angst and drama.

One possible difference between this relationship and standard teenage relationship drama was that I could see where the issues were, just not how to solve them other than breaking up (and we tried to solve them, we honestly did) and either way, it was still frustrating and angst inducing I honestly felt like I was 15 again and that was a really, really awful feeling.

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WithAnOunceOfDignity
6 hours ago, drjohnhwatson said:

I can kind of agree with this.  The way that some people act that are asexual kind of...scares me?

 

:unsure:.

 

They come on too strong, way too fast, and whenever things don't seem to be going swell for them, they flip over the rails and it's like their whole world is crumbling around them.  I was actually talking to someone on a different asexual site about this, and how I think that everyone needs to just calm down and take a deep breath.


To be fair, though, I think that sort of culture is common with dating--at least when it involves an online aspect.  It seems like everyone wants to be the first one out the gate running, and if you don't nab somebody right away and lock that shit down, you're done.  You're over.

 

Then again, maybe people think that I'm the weird one and their pace is the normal average.  Who knows, haha.

 

:lol:.

 

I totally understand coming on too strong. I'm guilty of it. But, I think it's easy for people who are sexual and actually find more than 1 human per decade attractive or people who are aromantic to relax about it, but it's a whole other world of scarcity when you're graysexual and you finally find "the one" that you actually think is attractive and they shatter your romantic ambitions in seconds. 

 

It's like... horribleness. Great weeping and gnashing of teeth.

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chandrakirti

I gave up trying to second guess the human race some time ago, I can never work out what's going on, so I stick to platonic friendships. I'm not sure I could ever have a romance or anything approximating that.

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OldSoul

I think this has nothing to do with asexuality, and more to do with personality and experience.
Just as many people who are sexual are overzealous in their first attractions as asexuals are. Maybe they just get more practice in.

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anlin
On 2017-11-03 at 6:37 AM, KendraPM said:

I suppose it could be. I relate to half of it, the "this may be my last shot of actually being with someone" whenever I develop a crush, but I also do not pursue. Never have, I just don't feel comfortable in that role, it does not come naturally to me. So when I get a crush, I watch what I do very carefully and usually go out of my way to be casual around them.

Oh I do the exact same. Which means work very hard to not do anything that could be suspicious in any way...suspicious of me having an interest in someone. But for me the worst part is not how the person I have a crush on will react, it is how other people around me might react or think of me if I'm rejected or if the relationship doesn't work out. I'm afraid that they will think less of me or pity me or think i just got what I deserved or something like that. It's easier to avoid a crush than others around you if things end badly, I think.

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KendraPM
On ‎11‎/‎9‎/‎2017 at 1:51 PM, anlin said:

Oh I do the exact same. Which means work very hard to not do anything that could be suspicious in any way...suspicious of me having an interest in someone. But for me the worst part is not how the person I have a crush on will react, it is how other people around me might react or think of me if I'm rejected or if the relationship doesn't work out. I'm afraid that they will think less of me or pity me or think i just got what I deserved or something like that. It's easier to avoid a crush than others around you if things end badly, I think.

Never really thought about how others would think of me. Maybe because I'm gray-romantic, so I've had quite a few times where I just didn't feel the same about someone, I usually just think "too bad they didn't feel the same" whenever I see someone get rejected. I don't think bad about either party, you can't help how you feel or don't feel. I just assume others think the same.

The only time I start to look at someone with pity is if they won't let it go. Like let's say they like someone, and they tell the person and the person rejects them. If they say "OK," get sad and then move on, or at least try to, I see that as typical and not something to be pitied or anything. If they continue to pursue the person who rejected them, then I feel a mixture of pity and annoyance to the person.

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coolandcute

I was also too invested emotionally in people online, almost all of whom turned out not to be my type in terms of looks and other things, because I thought that they might be my aesthetical and intellectual type.  I also don't feel attracted to most types of men so when these possible and supposed exceptions came along, I felt elated, excited and got eccentrically carried away.  It was absurd and stressful every time.  Now I am more cautious when dealing with men and people online.     

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