I think I have a gender problem?

[Redemptings]

Since I was a kid I've always liked boy things. I had boy Halloween costumes, a Toy Story party once. I always wanted Pokemon toys, action figures, video games, and trains. I didn't mind playing with stuff like Little Pet Shop toys. But yeah, I mostly wanted boy things. I wanted less girly shirts, t-shirts, band shirts, baggy pants, ect. even when I played games I picked the boy Avatar because it seemed cooler and made more sense to me. Anyway, I always felt like something was missing from my life. I never felt happy with myself. Since childhood, I was depressed and anxious. I was also pretty self destructive. Even now, I over eat and think I'm ugly looking. It's not like body dysmorphia though. It's like I feel ugly because I don't feel like myself/correct. Slouching has always been a thing for me even before puberty but now it's worse since after puberty and until now. I got a chest binder a year ago and I don't always bind because it digs into me - I like binding. It feels better to me. There's been times when I went to cut off my chest and drown myself so this gender bs would end. My face is ugly to me, because it looks too feminine.

 

I graduated a few years ago but purposely failed my exam so I didn't have to attend the ceremony and wear a girls gown and her my birthname. I went to summer school later though to get my diploma. My name has always felt gross and wrong to me too. I've always felt I fit in better with boys and even as a kid I was too rough to be with the girls. My dad put me in volleyball in 7th grade and I quit going because I felt uncomfortable being with girls. The part that's confusing is don't most trans guys want top surgery? Sure, I think about it and sometimes I rlly want it badly. But, a lot of the times I'm very scared of it and would rather bind. T is kinda similar. I think about T being kinda neat but hmm idk. Another thing, sex is a big no no for me. Before realising I had a gender problem, I always was attracted to females. I had the problem of sex and kissing though. Maybe it was dysphoria related, right? The other day I broke down crying because I saw some NSFW stuff on a tumblr and it triggered me. I felt like I wanted a guys part in that moment so bad. Usually, I picture myself with a boys genitalia. Looking down at my body is not bad, I mean, it doesn't feel like mine but it's... okay I guess? Idk.

 

There's this character I made whose a trans woman and I use them as a relief for dysphoria. I can fantasies having sex with them because I see myself as a guy with a guy's body. Girl clothes have giving me more distress in the last 5-6 years. I can't wear anything female without feeling stressed or uncomfortable. I've been dressing completely boyish for almost 3 years now. My mum got married a few years ago, and she wanted me to wear a dress and I backed out and got rlly anxious and distressed. I even ignored her calls. She said I could wear a tux, I felt relived and went a long to get a tux. I looked in the mirror and looked... more correct with myself. I don't leave the house because I'm self conscious. Haircuts are terrible, because they call my birthname and it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Sorry, this is long. Do I sound Transgender or something like it? Thanks.

[Yep, me]

Only you can know that, but it’s not entirely about what term you think fits you, it’s about knowing wether you’re comfortable with the way you are, and doing what you need to feel more comfortable.

[binary suns]

sure, you're transgender, makes sense! it sounds like you'd be really happy to present male   it's your decision what kind of changes that help you present as you wanna. I think you mentioned you wanted to take T? whether or not you want T or surgeries or anything else is a valid decision to make, either way, for any of 'em.

 

 

[finicky feminist]

You sound trans but only you can decide best.  Talk to other trans people to figureit out better?