In love with an Asexual person

[DrDoctor]

Hello all... As the title suggest I fell in love with a asexual person. Here's some quick back story.

 

For the past five years myself and the person of interest who i'll refer to as Jay have been close friends. I've ask her out twice before in the past and was turn down both times gently, as her reasoning was, as she states it "I'm not ready to be in a relationship." I was hurt but we continued to be friends. As life continued she went of to university as did I. We lost contact for about three years, she went dark with no means of communication. I stilled tried to make contact every now via text email and Facebook but to no avail she was off the grid. I ended up graduating and moving back home. Within a year of moving back home, she mysteriously reappeared, and our friend ship picked up where it left off. Now fast forward to today.

 

As Jay and I have spent more and more time together my old feelings resurfaced, and I decided to ask her a third and final time to be my girl friend. After we spent Halloween together I awkwardly muscled up the courage to ask her out. Unlike the previous times where the answer was an almost instantaneously polite no, she was quite. She was quite for a long time, it felt like an eternity. I could feel my hopes building with anticipation, I was thinking to myself "this might finally be it, shes going to say yes." then she spoke.

 

Jay came out to me as Asexual. She went into detail explaining herself and again for the third and final time I was turned down gently. We spoke for a bit, with me holding back tears.  She reassured how important I was to her, and much she cared for me. I understood were she was coming from and I understood her reasoning. However the pain of the rejection made me say some things I wish I could take back. I dropped her off home and with us both emotional and embarrassed we awkwardly said goodnight. 

 

Jay is a phenomenal human being a one of a kind. it would be petty, and most of all disrespectful for our friend ship to end just because theirs no chance of us becoming romantically intimate.     

 

Now to anyone who had the patience to read through this mess, if you yourself are asexual has anything like this happened to youm where a good friend confessed their feelings towards you? How did you handle it, where you still able to friends?

 

Jay has become such an important person in my life, I don't have many friends and i'm not the closest with my family. Jay has been a constant resource of companionship and i'm not sure how to deal not being part of her life. 

[andreas1033]

I learnt being asexual when young, that the best thing to do is not to let people like you in that way.

It can be end up being dangerous, as they can take you not being interested in them, in a bad way. Its not something you mean, but people can have very powerful feelings for people, especially when young.

So i was glad, the first time, that i learnt to never let another person so close. As even if your asexual, and do not mean anything to happen, they can take you not going further very badly.

So thankfully, i learnt after the first real time, to never let someone that liked me, so close to me again.

My attitude was they are better of with someone whom wants sexual relations, and there is many out there that will take that chance i will never with some female that liked me. So really, beyond a female that has real feelings for you(which will be rare), if you do not let people near you.

Just because i as a male, do not respond to them, i was sure they were better of with a male whom does respond to them in that way, and that is most.

In the real world, out of all those whom like you in some way, only a few that liked you, will of had any real feelings for you. So in reality, your only upsetting a few in your life. Most will not care.

[QueenOfTheRats]

It doesn't matter whether Jay is asexual or not, you are in the friendzone. Quit pushing your feelings on her, that's incredibly stressful and rude, and she will end up pushing you further away.

[DrDoctor]

Thanks for the tough love, I agree. 

[Kai99]

Quote

Now to anyone who had the patience to read through this mess, if you yourself are asexual has anything like this happened to youm where a good friend confessed their feelings towards you? How did you handle it, where you still able to friends?

Yep, we are still good friends today, but this after a lot of back and forth in the eleven years we have known each other.  We met in high school and he has liked me ever since freshmen year. He confessed in eleventh grade, though I've known since 9th. I turned him down and we continued as friends. Now I didn't know I was asexual until the end of 12th grade and he was the first I told. After high school, while he accepted my rejection, he didn't give up. There were several attempts after the fact to start a romance and I always turned it down. It was kind of annoying, but he admitted now that back than " he would think with his d*ck rather than his head." After many failed attempts on his part, he kind of got the picture. We are still close friends, but to be honest, I wouldn't recommend this direction. He still in love and I understand, a part of him is still hopeful even though I made it clear it isn't going to happen. For others, it is better to let that person go and deal with that temporary pain, than continue chasing someone who has made it clear they aren't interested in you in that way. Continued friendship has a tendency to keep the guy hopeful for a chance one day, and that day will more than likely never come.

 

 

[DrDoctor]

Thanks for the response, I'm starting to think that may be best. However she is still insistent that we stay friends, and it makes be feel like maybe we can work it out and be platonic. 

[Kai99]

15 minutes ago, DrDoctor said:

Thanks for the response, I'm starting to think that may be best. However she is still insistent that we stay friends, and it makes be feel like maybe we can work it out and be platonic. 

Feelings don't just switch off though even if you agree to be platonic with her. You will desire her for a long time with nothing to show for it. If you accept that is your life with her in it, than it can "work". But make sure to set boundaries between you.

[magscats79]

This happened to me yesterday.  I ran into a guy I have known since Elementary school and he wanted me to be his girlfriend.  I said yes but he called me a couple hours later and started asking me questions about what my feelings were for him and that he wanted to touch and fondle me which made me uncomfortable and confused like does he just want sex or a relationship?  I first told him that I was asexual and he thought I was a lesbian.  So I turned him down and this morning he texted me and I told him I was asexual and aromantic and explained both terms and then told him to google it.  Then he got it and left it at that and were still friends and nothing more.  So I would not push any romantic feelings on your friend and just accept her for who she is.

[Brownace]

Do not think she is not part of your life just because you are not in a romantic relationship. Sure, she is not in your life exactly the way you want her to be, but that happens to many of us, and we just have to learn to accept that fact. Our feelings might never change, and it does hurt to know they might never materialize in the way we would want them to, but there is nothing we can do: after all, we cannot - and should not try to - make someone else feel what they do not already feel.

 

About her continuing being your friend, I think she definitely is willing to continuing being your friend. If you think about, she was very aware of your feelings after you asked her out twice, and she still considers you a friend, so chances are she will after this third time. But anyway, these are my opinions, you actually have to talk to her to understand what she is feeling/thinking.

 

Good luck!